Thanks, this was very helpful feedback

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>Doublets, Reeves, Dukes, Mercantile ships, alchemy (magic): High  Fantasy Intrigue genre. But setting? I kept expecting Doge to know I was  in Venice-like. But honestly, there is a wide range I would go given  the furniture technology stuff and clothing.

It sounds like you got more or less the right idea of the setting, since it should give a hint of something analogous to Northern Italy in 1350-1550. That's a pretty big swath of time, but I'd rather keep it a bit loose so certain elements can be used or not used as appropriate. Like I don't want to have widespread use of gunpowder, due to all the complications that creates.

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>I really enjoyed Death of Servant and Mysterious Entity, but Alchemy  ruined the story for me. I think your assumptions are correct: the  middle and the world building are a bit too dense/heavy.  
>  
>The middle third, the alchemy? It really gummed up the works. I am not  that interested in the ins an

Thank you for posting. Hope this helps. 

**Overall** It is hard for me to really give an overall impression. It feels like three very distinct slightly disjointed pieces. Death of Servant. Alchemy. Mysterious Entity. I really enjoyed Death of Servant and Mysterious Entity, but Alchemy ruined the story for me. I think your assumptions are correct: the middle and the world building are a bit too dense/heavy. 

**Setting** Doublets, Reeves, Dukes, Mercantile ships, alchemy (magic): High Fantasy Intrigue genre. But setting? I kept expecting Doge to know I was in Venice-like. But honestly, there is a wide range I would go given the furniture technology stuff and clothing. I don’t recall any reference to things like steam engines or flintlocks. So, pre-Napoleonic? IDK. Maybe it is not completely important. An assassin could show up with a blunderbuss or a compound crossbow or a long bow and I would probably roll with it. Still, I guess I am assuming gunpowder here given the level of alchemy

Thanks for the feedback, I appreciate it! Quite a bit here, and I've been turning it over in my mend for the past few days thinking about how to address the issues you've pointed out.

MY INTERPRETATION (Feel free to correct me anywhere I incorrectly state anything)

Hugo is investigating Esther's death.  She died holding a letter that is shockingly coherent for a sick woman at her age and state of health.  The Castellan brings Hugo the note and lets Hugo read it first.  Hugo doesn't let them know the contents but the letter is an enigmatic poem.  Month's prior, Esther tried to bargain for her son's life after he was accused of stealing Saffron.  The three men - Hugo, Albrich and Pirro discuss the clues from her death and the letter.  About halfway through, Hugo notices additional writing on the letter and decides to hide it from the two other men.  The two men leave Hugo's office and then Hugo uncovers a hidden Alchemy circle hidden under his rug.  He sits in the center.  He begins by using certain metals and other items in his circle and he enters trance state and sees things that will guide him to the answer.  The trance becomes a seance and the room's beams and w

Thanks for the feedback.

Admittedly the early descriptions are a thing I've been having issues with. A lot of the things you're citing were deliberately added to avoid white room syndrome, and I may have either over compensated in some places while still not doing enough in others. It's something I need to fine tune I suppose.

Thanks this, along with your earlier points, are very helpful.

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>What's so wearisome about the fact that the two circles are the same? Is it that it needs a lot of preparations?

Well, to quickly explain, he's just a bit amused and irritated that the grieving woman always seems to know his business. I suppose I should clarify.

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>The issue here is tone. In the beginning of this section, you’ve set up a disgruntled character who’s methodically working through the steps to prepare an alchemy circle. Then he reminisces on the importance of those concepts. Okay, that’s fine. You’ve still got the meticulous, disgruntled, factual dude thing going on. Then we come to: “More than that, he had to appreciate...” So far, it sounds like he is reciting how important it is to know these things. Then, all of a sudden, you conjure up whimsical images of childhood, good memories, and wistfulness. The jarring change in tone gave me a double-take, because I couldn’t reconcile those col

**Good Parts / Final Impressions**

>volume after volume of ancient rites and quixotic augurs

Some may find it wordy and unnecessary in the same way that description about Hugo focusing was, but I really liked the structure of this sentence, the floweriness of the descriptions, and how it set up for Hugo’s discovery of the tome.

I really enjoyed the ending part with calling upon those spirits... the long sentences, your choice of words and syntax, and Hugo’s gradual  change from the physical to ethereal world ramped up the tension really well. I loved how you managed to show that minor dissonance growing louder and louder. And then, at the end, those short sentences were very well-placed.

I also really enjoyed how you \[almost\] ended with “consume a daemon’s soul”. It gives us a sense of what his mission is and the knowledge that something interesting will happen without being too detailed, which makes readers feel compelled to read more— what *exactly* is he going to do? What are 

Hi! I hope I haven't come too late, but I would like to offer some feedback.

**Wordy**

Just from first impressions, I feel like some of your sentences are a bit wordy. Your descriptions are sometimes repetitive and could be more concise-- for instance, the bit about Albert's blunt and emotionless and flat voice could be shortened to one of those adjectives, while the subsequent section with "as he spoke about the dead woman" could be cut out completely or shortened; we already know he was speaking about a dead woman.

>began searching through the crumbling manuscripts,  going from the outside in

This part is repetitive, which in turn also makes it wordy. "Began searching" already suggests that he's working from the outside in, just because doing otherwise would be illogical if he's searching through the entire stack. You don't need to linger on this fact, as it's relatively minor compared to his ultimate findint of the old book. You don't need to emphasize it, either, because doing 

I'd like to share the prologue to a story I've been writing for feedback.


**Story:** [https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ZFjqD7pf0Suk7SEL97JNv1b08VCKfrU6pRw9RcjzebE/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ZFjqD7pf0Suk7SEL97JNv1b08VCKfrU6pRw9RcjzebE/edit?usp=sharing)

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Any critiques would be appreciated. Specific areas of concern for me:

* I'm worried it drags a bit in the middle. I'm trying to cut down on the "world building" details, and hope the initial mystery and characteristic dialogue is enough to keep up reader interest, so I'd appreciate it if someone could let me know how that's working
* Is this an interesting enough hook for a broader story?

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**Critiques**

[Missing](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/ituqgt/3120_missing/g5npzfx/?context=3)

[The Project](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/j2eiko/2740_the_project/g78qzz6/?context=3)

[3721] Eidolon - Prologue