I can't trust my thoughts.
They crawl into crevices and seep into wounds.
Digging away where they see fit.
Dissolving the walls between delusion and reality.
They consume my world.
every single stride.
Every breath, every tear shed, every keystroke, every word spoken.
Every night alone, and day spent among strangers, every fragment of my broken existence is covered in their abhorrent grasps.
Just as you had me in yours.
Posted Nov 24, 2020, 9:16 AM UTC
Damn, that last line really flipped it in another direction I wasn't expecting. I love the imagery in the second stanza. The third stanza really gets brought together by the final line of the poem, as it shows how strong the love was between the narrator and whoever he/she is talking about. "every fragment of my broken existence is covered [in your grasp]."
I would like to tell the narrator to trust the first line. Thoughts are almost their own living being and to be taken with many grains of salt. I don't trust them all either, frankly.
If I had to pick at something, maybe find a way to use a different word besides they to start the second stanza? Honestly, it's a work of art anyways and I'm just trying to nit pick. Thank you for the read
Very good imagery that helps support the initial statement. However I think the poem could potentially more moving if you made the first line the last line. The effect of this would have the reader questioning whats "crawling into crevises and seeping into wounds" only to conclude by the last line ying everything together.
They crawl into crevices and seep into wounds.
Such powerful imagery right from the get go, "crawl" and "seep" giving thoughts this monster like persona. Definitely gave me the creeps a bit so well done! This line also has such a good rhythm to it.
And I dont know of this is intentional but that rhythm seems to fade away at the end:
Every night alone, and day spent among strangers, every fragment of my broken existence is covered in their abhorrent grasps
It almost reflects the frustration and fragility of the narrator and the anger they feel towards their thoughts. Fantastic job!
The imagery of this poem really resonates with me. I love it! But I feel like this poem could use a little more structure. I know thats way easier said than done, but theres great potential here and I'd love to see it develop even further. I feel like giving the poem a proper structure and maybe even a rhyme would do just that.