Source
r/DestructiveReaders•
bluelightwizard

[2972] Chained Fates

Fantasy

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WURerQmFd4YPbR7Mr_MZ8GUnb1pj2JFVT-AA47YV93s/edit?usp=sharing I'm a science student that has been bitten by the artist bug recently. This is a first chapter in a novel (if I ever get around to finishing it). I want to write an expansive, thought provoking adventure through a somewhat familiar fantasy world.

My questions beyond the regular feedback and criticisms are:

Is this interesting to read?

Would you continue reading if this was a book?

Any descriptions you though were too much? Not enough?

What questions are you left with?

Are the characters engaging?

Critique: (2984) (900):https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/keqs4e/900_a_bleak_existence/gg8dgq6?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3

(1414):https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/kf3jm2/1414_funeral/ggsczzw?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3

(670) https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/kjifxb/670_the_journey/gh1dbvy?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3

Posted Dec 26, 2020, 2:14 AM UTC

918
Kymriah•

Answers in post 2.

1/2

I think a lot of people are missing the forest for the trees here. This isn’t an issue with specific prose. There are a handful of systematic problems with your piece that, if corrected, would dramatically increase the clarity without much work refining your writing. I will try to demonstrate these issues with examples from the text.

  1. Description:

Unless there is a specific reason otherwise, we need to understand the physical architecture of a location before items within that location start popping into existence. Let's look at some text examples:

Light rays falling, almost presenting the massive hourglass in the center of the cave.

As he stepped closer, he saw how the aqua-green sand twisted as if flowed upward barely touching the glass

Violet hopped up onto a boulder to the side and said,

Cal stepped back to admire the shiny grey pillars that held up the top and bottom

... distorted in the glass along with her scrappy brown witch hat

None of these descriptions are mentioned before they pop into existence in the middle of something else occurring. It seems like you're doing this to avoid "be"-verbs ("was", "were", etc.). There are no sentences with a structure like: "In the center of the cavern was a tall hourglass" which you're probably thinking is a good thing, because be-verbs are weak verbs, unlike action verbs, which are strong verbs.

But you're not structuring your description such that your word choice is rich and evocative, you're magicking things into existence in the middle of other things. The effect is to leave the reader feeling lost in the void, with actions occurring in a space that we don't understand, until, mid-action, things pop into existence. They're in a cavern, Violet jumps, and suddenly there is a boulder that she lands on which did not exist before. Cal is looking at the hourglass, he steps back for reasons that are unclear, and then admires shiny grey pillars that we did not know existed because you did not describe their existence until he was in the process of stepping back to admire them.

Another symptom of this problem is the profuse usage (profusage?) of "they" to obliquely refer to your characters before "they" have been introduced, rather than just saying "Cal and Violet". The two main characters in this scene do not exist until the end of the first paragraph, when we're told that Violet, who we have not yet been introduced to, is tapping on the hourglass. We've descended, we've caved, we've hourglassed, and only now do we know who is actually present in the scene.

This problem is easily solved by including descriptions of rooms and places and things before they are acted upon. Let's look at how much clearer this scene would be if you used a handful of those dastardly be-verbs instead.

Cal and Violet stepped through the archway into a cavern. Stalactites littered the ceiling like little teeth. In the center sat a gargantuan hourglass, which was full of aqua-green sand that twisted and flowed without touching the glass exterior. The top of the hourglass was supported by tall steel pillars that were anchored in the base plate. Beside the hourglass was a boulder about Cal's height. The boulder was dwarfed by the immense mass of the hourglass, as though it'd been added to the room as an afterthought, so trivial it was in comparison to the centerpiece.

This immediately solves the problem of your characters existing in a disembodied void until things randomly pop into existence, and it also gives us a sense of scale. I have no idea how big the boulder, the hourglass, or the cavern are -- I can only deduce that the hourglass is large enough to place your whole hand on, and the boulder is large enough to hold Violet. This actually becomes problematic later when the dragonborn and the commander arrive, and Violet is speaking to a nervous Cal, and we have no idea whether the commander can hear what she's saying because we have no idea how far the hourglass is from the stairs.

In sum: Describe the things that exist in your world, or it will end up feeling like a void with nothing in it.

Edit: clarity

5
Kymriah•
  1. Exposition

There is no exposition in this scene that is not revealed in dialogue. Dialogue exposition is fine when it's done properly, which necessitates that I know who the characters are and why they are expositing to each other. If I'm not clear on why Cal or Violet don't know the things that are being explained, or if their relationship is totally unclear, then sudden exposition dumps make no sense. This is actually worse, mechanically, than if you'd just devoted two or three paragraphs to explaining in excruciating detail who the Winged Allia are, why Cal is a fugitive, and what a self-taught mage means in the context of your story. Because if you'd done that, at least I would understand what is going on.

As it stands, I have no idea who Cal or Violet is, why they're together, what their goal in the scene is, how they know each other, or what their relationship is. If Cal and Violet are important characters, then this scene should establish their dynamic. I should come away understanding, for example, if they've just met each other the morning of the trip or if they've known each other for a while. But I don't learn anything about that. In fact, their dialogue is entirely devoted to exposition, which again seems to exist in this strange void that leaves me feeling utterly lost.

Let's look at an example: Cal and Violet are looking at the strange hourglass. Violet is wondering why it reacts differently to her touch than Cal's. Cal is unsure. I'm not clear on exactly how it's reacting differently to them, because it's not clearly described in the text (but that's neither here nor there -- see point the first).

“I have never seen an artifact that reacts differently depending on who is touching it, I doubt the Winged Allia is capable of making such a thing.”

“Winged Allia? Oh, right you are that fugitive mage from the dragon capitol the commander talked about.”

There's a comment in the Google Doc that says you're on the right track here, but I completely disagree. The context is that Violet is inquisitive about why the hourglass is behaving differently when she interacts with it. Cal does not answer her question, he reiterates it by saying that he has never seen anything like it (rather than trying to answer her inquiry). Rather than continue this line of conversation, Violet immediately reacts to "winged Allia" (like she has a copy of the script!), turns to the metaphorical camera, and delivers a line of incredibly confusing exposition.

Within one line we are introduced to:

i. The winged allia

ii. fugitive mages

iii. the dragon capitol

iv. a commander

v. the fact that Violet thinks about this in response to the mere mention of the Winged Allia

Functionally, this line of dialogue should show something about the Winged Allia. Right now it shows that merely knowing of the Winged Allia at all (as Cal demonstrates by mentioning them) is enough for Violet to deduce that Cal is a fugitive mage from the dragon capitol. That's right: The structure of the exposition demonstrates this fact whether you've intended it or not, because of the way Violet reacts to the mentioning of the Winged Allia. The implication is that anyone who mentions the Winged Allia as Cal has done implies what Violet says in response.

This bit of dialogue is symptomatic of the larger problem you have with exposition. Although your characters spend the entire scene expositing to each other rather than having a real conversation, I still don't know who the Winged Allia are, who the commander is, or the functional consequences of the fact that Cal is a fugitive from the dragon capitol. You have stated facts that are true in the story without communicating why they are important. I don't know what Cal's fugitive status means regarding his relationship to the commander. I don't know the importance of Violet's knowledge of his fugitive status. I don't know the importance of the Winged Allia more generally. All I know is that these are things that exist.

I want to be clear: This isn't a problem of introducing something that we, the reader, don't understand but that will be explained later. This is a problem of introducing something we don't understand coupled with a lack of communication about the value or function within the scene. It's like you've chopped up a Wikipedia article about your story and had the characters deliver the topic sentence of every paragraph without any judgment of the value or the interpretation of that information.

There are sentence-level issues here -- plenty of them. But until you have corrected the issues enumerated above, there is no purpose in critiquing prose-level issues. These are critical structural flaws that must be corrected.

  1. Answers to questions.

Is this interesting to read?

To be blunt: No. It is very frustrating to read because of the issues I discussed above.

Would you continue reading if this was a book?

No. This is not intended as an insult or to discourage you from continuing to get better. There's promise in your prose. But you have a lot of structural work to do before this is ready to be circulated with the intention of people reading it for enjoyment.

Any descriptions you though were too much? Not enough?

See above. The descriptions need work.

What questions are you left with?

See above.

Are the characters engaging?

Frankly, no. I feel like I've learned nothing about their goals or motivations because they exist in this strange, detached way where they are vehicles for topic sentences rather than human beings with goals, motivations, and feelings. You seem to be writing from Cal's perspective, but you never once elaborate directly and clearly on his feelings about Violet (internally -- that's the point of perspective). Until you've ironed out the big structural issues the characters are going to take a huge back seat for anyone reading.

  1. A word on repeated prose-level issues and other nitpicks.

i. You frequently write dialogue with the dialogue tag before the actual dialogue. This is not necessarily a problem if it's done sparingly for a specific reason relevant to the rhythm of the dialogue (that is, how you want the reader's mind to understand the cadence of the speech). But it is a bit jarring when it's done, and you've done it many, many times. You also set off nearly every bit of dialogue with a "s/he said..." even when it is clear within the context of the paragraph who is speaking.

ii. Trouble with as- and -ing sentences. These structures have specific meanings. They are both communicating that multiple actions are occurring simultaneously. Let's look at one of your first sentences as an example.

As they reached the bottom, a conical archway beckoned them beyond it.

The structure of this sentence implies that the archway is beckoning them beyond it only at the moment they are reaching the bottom of the stairs. That is, between stepping off the last step and reaching the ground and at no other point in the scene. If this is not what you were trying to communicate, reword this. But, more importantly, pay attention to when your sentence structure implies that actions are occurring simultaneously.

5
184758249•

That was great. How long did you spend on this feedback?

2
Kymriah•

I’m glad you enjoyed it!

I spent probably 60-90 minutes on it. A lot of that time was me talking about it with my wife. For some reason she enjoys when I editorialize and lecture about my thoughts on critiques/writing. The actual synthesis was probably 30 minutes of dedicated writing.

1
bluelightwizardOP•

I don't agree with some of your assessment but all of it is very insightful. Thank you for taking the time to give me this feedback!

1
Fucking_Sarcastic•

Hey there,

So, I've left several comments on your Google Doc that I hope are helpful. In a nutshell, I think your story was very immersive, and the writing was excellent for a first draft. I'll answer your questions first, and then discuss a little about what I think is working and what I think you should consider when writing your next draft.

  1. Yes, this is interesting to read. I write literary fiction primarily, and I don't usually enjoy fantasy, but this story kept me entertained. I particularly enjoyed both Cal and Vio's humanity, and they felt like you had considered their personalities when creating them.
  2. Yes, but with the caveat that there are some things that need to be ironed out before you attempt to write this story in novel format. A novel is a HUGE, often multiple-year commitment (I should know, I've written four) and it takes a lot of planning, editing, and revising.
  3. The descriptions worked, for the most part. There are two specific areas where I wanted more description as a method of characterization--the description of the Commander, and the description of the orc with the hammer. I think both of those areas are lacking in imagery. You can do a lot just with the description of clothing, facial expression, and body positioning. Explore it.
  4. My main question is why didn't Sulzaire just use his magic teleportation knob to teleport the hourglass to safety? Also, what are Cal and Vio going to do with the sand? Where does the wet journal fit in here? You mentioned that but never came back to it. Finally, what are the stakes here? What is it about Cal and Vio that force them to engage in this hourglass debacle? Why can't they just walk away?
  5. Yes, but we already talked about that.

Okay, so I think there are quite a bit of good things about this story. I particularly like the way you doled out expository information in small doses so that I could wrap my head around a concept before I moved on to the next one. I like the inherent conflict between Outlanders and Inlanders, and I think that there can be a lot done with that inherent conflict. There are two sections (I marked them in the document) where the dialogue expressed characterization. I found those spots to be exceptional. The writing is also decently tight for a first draft.

There are some things that need to be addressed when you revise. First, there are the questions that I posed in my #4 response.

Second, I think this entire piece needs to be revised at a sentence level so that each sentence conveys only a single meaning. There are several sentences where there were four or five verbs fighting for dominance. That shouldn't happen. One verb per clause, and if you need to make compound sentences then separate those clauses. Make sure the subject is doing the action to the object, and not the other way around.

Third, there are a lot of cliches in this story (I've marked several in the document). Finally, the number of tense shifts in this story makes it hard to determine whose story this is. I feel like it's Cal's primarily, but there are also times when we shift into Vio's head and the Commander's head, and those shifts are jarring. I think if you want to explore everyone's perspective, then you might want to do that in separate sections rather than all at the same time.

All in all, I really liked this story and feel it is one of the better drafts that I have read. I hope the comments I've left you are helpful.

Happy writing.

2
bluelightwizardOP•

Thanks for taking the time to leave comments! It really helps having those things pointed out and gives me a lot to work with.

1
Haplostemonous•

Would you continue reading if this was a book?

I'll go through your questions but most of this critique will be line edits since I think a lot of your prose doesn't really work for me. It's not all bad but if this was the beginning of a book I picked up in a store I would have stopped reading within a few sentences. If it were a free webnovel... I've read worse, I'd probably keep going. As someone who (like, afaict, yourself) recently started trying some creative writing, I can't always see the flaws in my prose, which is why critiquing is helpful.

I'll get to your other questions at the end since I haven't actually read all the way through yet.

Regarding the title: sounds a bit melodramatic to me. Not sure what audience you're going for but I probably wouldn't even pick this up off the shelf except out of amusement.

Chilled air left droplets of water on their skin as they descended the stairs carved out of stone, taking care not to slip.

"Carved out of stone" doesn't work for me - just say "stone stairs". Nor does the "taking care not to slip" because its imagery isn't very strong: in the vein of "show, not tell", you can describe more vividly exactly how the characters are taking care, e.g. "one treacherous step at a time", or "gripping the mossy wall for support".

As they reached the bottom, a conical archway beckoned them beyond it.

I have no idea what shape a conical archway is, and I've thought about it for five whole seconds which is more than a casual reader will probably do. Do archways really beckon? Also, did it really happen as they reached the bottom? Surely the arch was there the whole time. Does the "it" refer to the bottom or the archway? My own answer to these questions would be "An arch stood at the bottom of the stairs", which now seems pointless and so the actual solution might be to get rid of the sentence entirely since it doesn't add much.

Fresh air, with the scent of moss hit their nostrils.

Alright - I didn't realize the stairs were enclosed (my bad, but also you could mention e.g. the stairs being dark or musty). Fresh air in a cave? That seems odd to me and maybe should to the characters as well idk. The comma is weirdly placed. You could either have "fresh air with the scent of moss ..." or "fresh air, with the scent of moss, ..." but not halfway. "fresh air+moss scent" isn't a massively appealing description. Maybe "Fresh mossy air hit their nostrils". In terms of perspective, it feels here like you're narrating from both of their POVs but later it looks like just Cal's. Cal wouldn't think "fresh air hit both our nostrils" (sounds like they have one each lol) but rather "fresh air hit my nostrils". Combining with above suggestion, maybe: "Fresh mossy air gusted through the arch at the bottom of the stairs."

Stepping through, Cal’s eyes widened at the open cavern with stalactites littering the ceiling like little teeth.

Super pedantic but Cal's eyes didn't step through, Cal did. Simplify: "Cal stepped through and looked up. Stalactites littered the cave's ceiling like little teeth." N.B. 1: we don't need "Cal's eyes widened" since we know it's his perspective so it's what he's seeing and it reads like you're just telling us it's a nice view since his eyes widened. N.B. 2: don't combine with previous suggestion because you'll reuse "through". Maybe "An arch stood at the bottom of the stairs, and as Cal stepped through a gust of fresh mossy air rustled his hair. He looked up. Stalactites littered the cave's ceiling like little teeth."

Btw I really like the description of the stalactites.

Light rays falling, almost presenting the massive hourglass in the center of the cave.

Hmm. This isn't a full sentence. "Light rays fell, almost ..." would be better. "Presenting" isn't super clear here, although (after a second) I know what you're thinking of. Maybe "Light rays pooled at the cave's center as though trying to draw attention to the massive hourglass that lay there."

As he stepped closer, he saw how the aqua-green sand twisted as if flowed upward barely touching the glass, turning black as it seemingly dissolved, and more emerald dust condensed below.

You mean "it" rather than "if". Again "he saw how": we know he saw it, this is all from his perspective. This description is confusing - sand is flowing up and disappearing? Also reusing words isn't completely a crime, you can say "sand" more than once. I'm still only 90% sure that "aqua-green sand" and "emerald dust" are the same thing.

The glass rang out in echo when Violet tapped it as though made of crystal.

This reads like "Violet tapped it as though made of crystal" - like you tap crystal things differently to other things? Maybe "Violet tapped the glass and it rang out in a pure crystalline echo."

Cal stepped back to admire the shiny grey pillars that held up the top and bottom.

... shiny pillars! This is almost comically more mundane than the previous few sentences. The pillars, really? That's what he's admiring about the hourglass?

On a language note - you have a "grey" here but a "center" earlier. Is it deliberately not US English?

Violet hopped up onto a boulder to the side and said, “What do you think? Why would they be keeping something like this down here?”

I like it.

“I… can’t even begin to guess,” said Cal. “I’ve seen some intriguing magical artifacts but this…” he said gliding his hand across the glass. “Look it doesn’t even leave a smudge, and the sand, look at the sand!” he said.

This is weird: Speech, said Cal. More speech... he said with description. Even more speech! he said. All in the same paragraph. Cut some of the "he said", maybe the first and last. We know who's speaking because he's replying (in a new paragraph) to Violet.

The speech itself is quite dramatic and kind of immersion-breaking. I don't quite feel like the hourglass deserves the awe the characters are heaping on it - it's kind of like you're just telling us (through the characters) that you think it's cool, but you need to really convince us. I would buy more curiosity/milder interest and less excitement.

He moved his hand in a circular motion, the green sand which up until this point moved up smoothly has become more turbulent around the place of contact, looping in on itself as it moved up.

I agree with the other critic about the tense change here.

“Oh! Let me try!” Vio jumped down and slapped down both of her child like hands on the glass. The sand started to move in wavy patterns and glow a faint chartreuse green around where her hand landed.

Childlike, not child like. "Wavy patterns" isn't very descriptive. If you're gonna call the green "chartreuse", at least go for something more elaborate like "sinuous" or "swirling" wrt the patterns.

her smile's reflection distorted in the glass along with her scrappy brown witch hat.

This is another case of an A B C sentence when C connects to A but not to B. (See the crystal glass tap from before.) Here you mean the hat and the smile were distorted in reflection, but you say the smile (A) was distorted in the reflection (B) along with the hat (C). Reorder ABC so that A and C are adjacent. You have four options: ACB, CAB, BAC, BCA. Try writing each of the four sentence orders out and pick the one you like best.

“I wonder why mine is different than yours.”

Good question, but

“I have never seen an artifact that reacts differently depending on who is touching it, I doubt the Winged Allia is capable of making such a thing.”

bad answer imo - her hand was still while his was moving, right? This seems like jumping to conclusions. It seems like you're using the characters to tell us stuff that we should conclude ourselves, i.e. show don't tell. Also this is two sentences which should be separate. Given Vio's reply here, I'm not clear why he brought up Winged Allia at all, or what relationship he has to them.

“Winged Allia? Oh, right you are that fugitive mage from the dragon capitol the commander talked about.”

Alright I laughed a bit here. Some worldbuilding being shoehorned, fair enough. But it just seems so abrupt. "Darth Vader? Oh, the evil enforcer figurehead of the tyrant Empire who is reputed to have force powers just like the vanquished noble Jedi Knights of yore and who wears a black mask and cape?" is dialogue that doesn't appear in any star wars film for good reason. Also be aware that "right you are" means "alright then" - maybe say "Winged Allia? Oh right, you're that ...".

In terms of actual explanation, I'm still in the dark. Is Winged Allia said dragon capitol/nation?

Cal tensed up, “Damn it... I pleaded with him not to let anyone know. I’m not a fugitive, all right? I’ve… I have done nothing wrong! I’m just trying to save my own skin here.”

"Pleaded with" isn't what a normal person would say here. In fact, Cal says a lot, which doesn't fit with my image of him as being flustered. Again it takes on the odor of a worldbuilding dump. We get it: Cal's in a bad spot, no fault of his own, good guy, etc etc. We don't need to know this in the very first bit of dialogue. In contrast I really like Vio's characterization so far: there hasn't been much except childlike, excited, needling Cal, which works well for me.

Vio struck a smug expression, “Sure sounds like you’ve done something wrong and now they want your head.”

Should be a period not a comma.

“Oh, besides that you are a self-studied mage? Nothing. But you can learn so much more about people by probing a little deeper.”

Self-studied mage? Yawn. More telling. This "self-studied" bit probably has to be told at some point (unless you really want to describe him self-studying at some point) but again you're cramming a lot in here.

I really like the rest of that dialogue line though.

2
Haplostemonous•

“What do you mean?” he asked

Missing period.

Vio strode back mounting the boulder like a throne, crossing her legs and putting on a devious smile like a mask.

"and mounted", "crossed", "put". Don't overuse "ing". "Like a mask" doesn't work for me - just say putting on a devious smile. "Putting on" already implies mask-like anyway.

She reached into her cloak and pulled out a wet journal, shaking off some droplets like a fan.

ABC again after the comma. As it is it sounds like either the droplets are like a fan, or she's shaking off some droplets the way a fan would, when what you want (I think) is her shaking the book like a fan.

“I broke into his safe and found this! He has so many juicy details about each person staying here, didn’t get a chance to read the whole thing but some notable entries sure stick out.”

Hah.

“Hey and you are calling me a fugitive! What if he finds out and kicks you out! What if he kicks me out as well because of this! I-”

Too many exclamation points.

“Oh relax, I’m extra careful.”

She (presumably) was extra careful. Minus points because, since she still has the book, she isn't (present tense) being very careful imo. You could say "I'm always careful."

“And a crook apparently”

Missing period. I'm not sure the "and" works here: would you call someone "extra careful and a crook"? Maybe "An extra careful crook, apparently."

“Says the fugitive with a price on his head,” Vio said.

Nice

Calesarvo glared at her unimpressed.

Don't like the inconsistency in name abbreviation. Put a comma before unimpressed, or (better) get rid of it.

She ignored him and continued, “What's weird is many initial pages had their ink smudged and it seems to be always wet, know any protective magic that can do that?”

Mixing informal styles ("What's weird is, blah blah", "know any" without a "do you") with formal ("initial pages", "had their ink smudged") reads weirdly.

Cal said, “That just seems like cheap pages and ink.”

I like it. You don't necessarily need the "Cal said", especially at the start of the line.

“What about that book on your hip?” she said. “Blue dyed leather and gold trim, can’t be cheap, where’d you get it?”

Oh his hip? As in exposed to the elements? No wonder the other one was wet lol. Maybe this is normal in your setting though, hip-books instead of sheathed swords? Cool! Still, "on your hip" sounds weird: would you ask "What about that sword on your hip?" or "What about that gun in your holster?" in real life? You'd probably just say "What about your sword?"

“I…borrowed it,” Cal said, lowering his voice.

Ugh. What a wet blanket. Cal, you know, you don't have to answer all the witch-lady's questions, especially personal ones. A normal person would probably be like "None of your business" except in fouler language.

Vio smirked, “Ah, I too like to borrow things permanently.”

Yes, we get it. He didn't really borrow it. Even though I complained about Cal's response above it's a decent example of showing rather than telling, but you kind of ruin it here by telling as well for no reason. Honestly just "Vio smirked." would work, or "Vio smirked. After a second Cal broke eye contact."

Violet broke out laughing, “Ha! Of Course, you will, don’t worry I won't tell anyone when you ‘forget’.”

Again, we get it. We got it before Cal even said he borrowed it. Have some faith. Btw Course shouldn't be capitalized and you should remove the first comma, but imo the real fix here is to get rid of most of the dialogue, have Vio grinning and Cal blushing or something. I just feel like he gave up and admitted it too easily.

Calesarvo

Please, just Cal. You established Cal, Cal's fine.

Calesarvo froze, finally seeing two figures descending the stairs making light conversation.

Finally?? Again too much "ing" in this sentence. The light conversation thing kind of detracts from the slippery stairs as described before, and also are the stairs not enclosed any more? Then why the arch, and the fresh air hitting them as they go through? Or have the two figures just arrived, stepping through the arch? Minor details but I don't have a clear picture of this.

Beside the Commander walked a mountain of a man, a dragon born whose gilded scales glittered with gold.

Gilded means they have gold covering them. I'd drop gilded and just say they glittered with gold. Nice description though.

A chipped horn and a scar decorated his snout as a badge of honor. Military issue half plate clad his body with blue and gold trimmed tabard. Vio looked over and stiffened at the sight of the commander.

Generally nice description, but not really sure what you mean about the badge of honor unless it's a dragon born cultural thing you'll expand on later? Should be half-plate, and blue- and gold-trimmed. The descriptions aren't super imaginative though but I kind of get the picture.

The rhythm is odd though: next to the Commander is this guy, blah blah blah about this guy. Then Vio stiffens at the sight of the Commander. Well, why'd you bother with the guy? Clearly none of the characters care about him, why should I? Also how does Cal (the perspective) know who she's stiffening at the sight of?

After a moment she said, “Huh, I guess he is back a little early and he’s got a friend. I wonder what an inlander is doing here, from the Winged Allia no less. Hey Cal, you ok there?”

he is -> he's, otherwise it sounds like she's emphasizing "is". Huh, I guess he is back a little early. Not what you probably want.

"here," -> "here? And"

She looked over seeing Cal tremble ever so slightly and a bead of sweat forming on his forehead.

Don't love this description. "She looked over seeing ..." - filler. "Tremble ever so slightly", "bead of sweat", both quite cliched.

“Oh.” Vio said. She jumped down and grasped Cal by the elbow making him jump. Vio said, “Don’t worry I won't let them take you away, I don’t think the commander will either. Let go talk to them.”

"making him jump" = telling not showing. Don't need "Vio said" (in general you should put this after dialogue, not before). I'm missing why Vio gives a shit about Cal, a complete stranger until just now (it seems). Period instead of comma here.

“W-wait…” Calesarvo sputtered out unprepared by the strength of the little girl as she dragged him forward.

Ah, is she actually a little girl? Doesn't quite fit with my impression but ok.

“...And there are those two!” Commander said, waving. “Violet the budding witch and Calesarvo the self-studied mage.”

Nooo not more telling!!!!!!!!! Stoppp. Her witch hat, his book. We get it. Seriously no one would introduce people this way.

Cal was not sure what was more shocking, that the girl he has been spending time all morning is probably better at magic then him or that the Winged Allia soldier before him has not driven him through with a blade yet.

... all morning with was probably better...

... had not ...

The commander seemed to notice Calesarvo’s face losing color by the second,

Period not comma

“This here is Sulzire, a great commander hardened by the Winged Allia military,

Period not comma. I'll stop pointing out punctuation errors now, but the next few paragraphs have quite a few, mostly commas where there should be sentence breaks.

Killing a dragon is a pretty mean feat and had Cal conflicted.

Telling not showing about Cal's conflict which I don't understand at all.

He paused for a moment looking at the hourglass, or rather right through it as though looking at a crystal ball trying to see the future.

Hrmmm. How can Cal discern this subtle difference? Then describe that to us instead. Show, don't tell.

“In fact, I know you will, Fate isn’t chained like the sun you know! The future is in your hands!”

This sounds like some video game intro stuff. Thanks, Prof Oak! :D

“Hi!” said Vio.

Oh, they're introducing themselves? You're wasting time you could be out catching pokemon, Vio! I jest.

“Oh, that little thing?” said the Commander, “Clearly that's a sand timer!” everyone turned to stare at the commander.

Capitalization inconsistent on Commander, Clearly and everyone. Also, is it Commander or the Commander? You've used both.

Vio remarked, “Gee and here I thought it was chariot, I kept searching for the wheels.”

Just use said, and put it after the speech. I thought this bit was pretty funny.

“Ha! Sharp eye,” paused the commander.

How does someone pause "Ha!"? Maybe "grinned" if he's supposed to be joking?

Man were they angry!

Oddly informal here.

You stole this from the inlanders?!

Please use interrobang like a normal person. Jk, just a question mark would be fine here.

“You should have seen their faces when we made off with their discovery of a lifetime!

Come on, you were running, not looking at their faces. Admit it, Commander.

“But, but surely they will want it back! And something with such an arcane signature will surely lead them here!” Cal said.

Arcane signature? Cal didn't sense any arcane signature that we know of - maybe foreshadow this?

Well show them what outlanders are made off! We have you here after all, so I know we’ll be fine.”

made of. Now this really does seem like a video game - the Commander blithely cheerful, the hero with as many saves and restarts as he needs, slowly building his mage+dragonborn party.

Honestly, the Commander thus far seems really jarringly unrealistic. I think you should rework his dialogue to be either more obviously a joke (and less prolonged) or to be wholly serious and let Vio be the comic foil (which was working very well imo).

The commander sighed as he looked at the trio before him, relaxing tension in his face and fading his characteristic smile. “This artifact before you will secure the future for outlanders, I’m relying on all of you to help bring a better future. We all have a part to play and I expect nothing short of your very best.”

2
Haplostemonous•

Again it really feels like the Commander has brought them together for something, for some reason he doesn't feel the need to explain. Why are these three so important, other than for convenient main characters? Look, in the first Harry Potter book Ron wasn't introduced till the train and Hermione wasn't their friend until the troll. You can get your golden trio but if we don't work for it it feels cheap.

Looking back, he said, “If I am ever gone, I give the duty to lead to you Sulzire, make me a promise that whatever happens you will not let the hourglass fall back into the inlanders hands.”

Not sure why this just came up, it's apropos of basically nothing.

And then they leave...? Why bother coming down to this cavern?

“Hey! I know, I just… nerves acting up. I narrowly escaped and I don’t want to tempt fate.”

Yawn, more telling.

loud eruption noise

Not very descriptive. Loud bang would be better.

initially startled he looked behind it seeing nothing but the barren end of the cavern.

"initially startled"? Just startled.

“Did you see something?” Vio asked.

“No, I heard a bang there, like some fire spell going off but I don’t see anything.” Cal said.

What? This loud sound, Vio didn't hear it?

“Oh, you are just hearing stuff again”

Again?? They barely know each other!

“Yeah, I guess I am.”

This foreshadowing is unconvincing. I'm not sure how to make it better except to explain what I don't like: it's a loud sound, specifically "like a fire spell" lol, which they brush off too easily. Just makes me roll my eyes a bit, sorry.

A piercing sound of an alarm bell cut through the night as it echoed through the halls and caverns.

It's "piercing", it "cut" and it "echoed". Echo=reverb=a softer sound imo, so the cutting/piercing imagery conflicts. "A piercing sound of an alarm bell" reads clunkily: I prefer "An alarm bell's piercing screech" or something.

The sleeping one by one shot up out of their beds

ABC. Maybe: "One by one, ..." But also "one by one" implies kind of slow and steady, orderly. But they're "shooting" up because of the alarm which again conflicts.

Clashing of steel and footsteps could be heard on the levels below.

"could be heard"? whose perspective is this?

Cal shot up out of bed, reaching for his bag.

Ah. Not another "shot up", please. Maybe: "The alarm's keening mixed with the sounds of footsteps and clanging steel from the levels below Cal." with the awakening just implied (since everyone else is waking too).

He crushed a tiny piece of charcoal and moved his hands in the motion he practiced so much in the past weeks.

had practiced.

The sleeping quarter was in chaos with the sound of shuffling feet and rubbing of cloth accented the acidic smell in the air

This doesn't make sense.

Fear ruled the room

I like it

Cal ran over to the arrow slit in the wall, a window into the outside world.

Yes, that's a window. Get rid of the second half.

An orc in heavy plate that glittered in the moonlight brought his warhammer on an arrow slit a level below chipping away at the stone.

Ok, too much in this sentence. Recursively bracket the parts you can delete: (I added down for you)

An orc (in heavy plate (that glittered in the moonlight)) brought his warhammer down (on an arrow slit) (a level below) (chipping away at the stone).

Get rid of some, or make a new sentence, or separate with a comma+connective, etc. The other critic is so right that I'm going to quote them from the gdocs:

This sentence pattern is not doing you any favors. You're trying to put too much info into each sentence. Trim the fat, or write new, more precise sentences. There's no limit to the amount of sentences you can use in a story.

There were no doubts about it now, the inlanders found them.

Replace with: "Inlanders." More realistic of how a person would conceive that thought, more tension-building cuz of short sentences, and less explainy.

Quickly the inlander started to make work on the weakness in the cliff faced fortress smashing the small window.

Too much, again. Should be cliff-faced. "started to make work on the weakness in the cliff-faced fortress"? What weakness? His feet are at window level and he's climbing a wall, how is he smashing it?

With every blow the cracks in the stone spread like a vine.

Seems unrealistically weak for a cliff-faced fortress.

Cal decided not to see what happens

What would happen. I won't correct any more tense errors.

and ran out of the room.

Nice.

He had to join the others at the hourglass, surely, they had a plan for escape, maybe the hourglass was some weapon they could use?

He doesn't know they have an escape plan? That's what the "surely" implies.

Calesarvo galloped down the stone steps and into the cave. There Sulzire and Vio were struggling to push the hourglass along minecart rails to the back of the cave.

Ah yes, the main characters. Good to see no pesky side characters are spoiling the purity of this story. Also, minecart rails? You didn't foreshadow those! I think your description of the cave at the start should include these.

“Who they hell made this contingency plan?” yelled out Sulzire. “Why have the rails not been checked and maintained?!”

I like it, but: "yelled", not "yelled out", and please never use ?! in actual writing except when you really have to I guess. Why is Sulzire yelling at a little girl?

“Well, no one even told me that this thing was on rails so get off my back,” Vio said.

I can't, literally can't believe that no one noticed the rails. It's impossible, I'm sorry. Either retcon this or justify how the rails were hidden. Also Vio's not speaking like a child, just in case she's supposed to be.

Cal ran up to them breathing heavily, “Where is everyone?”

Ya he's breathing heavily. Don't just tell us, e.g. Cal ran up to them. Between gasps, he asked, "where is... everyone?" Actually that's also pretty bad.

Sulzire said, “They went ahead already, there is a secret escape back there. Now stop standing there like a stump and help us get this out of here!”

Ah, the main characters have to do the important bit: mine cart minigame!! w00t w00t

Seriously though, no one else helped with this super duper important thing?

“It’s useless, the axle rusted through. This thing isn’t going anywhere.” Cal said.

Ah, a true hero, easily solving problems others won't or can't. Imo Sulzire and Vio should have figured this out already by the time he got there.

Sulzire quickly turned on his heel grasping one of the pillars and trying to lift.

on his heel = backwards, i.e. he was facing away from the hourglass before?

“It's a magical artifact, right?” exclaimed Vio. “Surely it needs all the pieces to function, let's just take some important part of it, preferably a light piece.”

Lolll. If that's acceptable, why didn't they just destroy it?

“The sand! We can take the sand!” Cal said. “There must be a way the sand was put in there, so there must be a way to get it out.”

Brilliant thinking, except the sand is constantly appearing and disappearing inside the hourglass right?

Cal quickly slid under the platform, “Here it is!”

Ok, someone else should get the limelight than Cal. Pretty please?

He reached around what seemed like a soft round cork, putting the satchel underneath he pulled the plug.

Bad grammar. Better: "He reached around what seemed like a soft round cork, put the satchel underneath, and pulled the plug."

Describing it as a cork then a plug? A bit weird. "He reached around"? What is he even reaching around? Maybe I don't want to know.

Laughter echoed through the caves as though muffled by water

I don't know what this means.

and then cut short by the crass sound of metal sundering flesh.

Which sounds like...? Show, don't tell.

Calesarvo’s hands and breath shook, “D-did you two just hear that? The… the Commander…”

“Heard what?” Sulzire and Vio said in unison.

“The commander is gone…”

No explanation. If this is weird magic stuff, you could say "he somehow knew that...". As it is it sounds like you telling us stuff via the characters.

Sulzire grabbed Cal under one arm and the sands in the other and dashed to the minecart tossing both in.

Too much "ing": the tossing happens after he arrives at the cart, he isn't doing it on the way there as "ing" implies.

pulling away into the dark tunnel.

There's a tunnel?? You said it was barren at that end!

Just then four shadowy figures appeared at the top of the staircase

I thought they were already in the tunnel

In an instant they all stopped moving and a ball of light shot out towards the escaping.

"they" = who? "the escaping" = missing a word. Maybe "the escaping trio"?

“Fuck get down!” yelled out Cal as the ball hit the cavern wall near them.

Are they in the tunnel? I have no idea.

The ball instantly grew engulfing the trio in a massive ball of fire. Sulzire reacted with precision placing his body over the other two, the flames singeing his scales.

I like it.

Just as it appeared, the flame subsided, Sulzire sat up checking on the other two passengers, their skin slightly pink.

And how did it appear? Also too many commas.

“Hey, no time for sleep! We made a promise that I intend to keep!” Cal and Vio both slowly rolled upright looking around blankly.

Who's talking? You want a line break after the speech imo. Why are they so blank?

There the chained sun started to break over the horizon illuminating a meadow in the center of which stood a large wagon filled to the brim with people.

Too much with no breaks. Comma after "meadow", and/or after "horizon".

The three of them ran up and climbed into the wagon barely fitting in.

Not the brim, then. Comma after wagon.

2
Haplostemonous•

As the dragonborn stepped in those inside tried to not make eye contact with him.

Another sentence starting with "as" that probably shouldn't. The no eye contact thing is continuous, it doesn't "happen" as he gets inside. Compare: "as I walked into the kitchen, the toast popped out" with "as I walked into the kitchen, the dog slept on the floor".

Mistrust of the inlander was an open secret, no one was sure what to think.

This is Cal's perspective, he doesn't know exactly. Also you're telling. Also this should be two sentences. Also, secret? Whose secret? How about: "Mistrust of the inlander was barely concealed among them." and drop the second bit.

A plump man was in the middle fiddling with a magical contraption that looked like a lantern.

Drop "magical" since it's just telling; saying "looked like a lantern" is enough to pique interest about what it actually is, and you can reveal the magical part later. Plus, how would Cal know?

Cal looked on with interest while he applied a damp cloth to his burns that one of the humans gave him.

Hrm, I'm doubtful they'd have one on hand but ok.

Sulzire reached down turning a nob and pushing it in. “Everyone hold on, some of you might get dizzy.”

Loll. Knob not nob.

The passengers felt weightless

Another: this is telling not showing, and you're narrating from everyone's viewpoint.

and with a flash the wagon stood in the middle of a deciduous forest.

ooh, cool. See now we know it's magic, no need to tell us.

The first thing everyone noticed

telling from everyone's perspective again.

was a bonfire and

end the sentence here

tending to it was a broad-shouldered elf with unknown hides and fur draping his rippled musculature.

say strange-looking rather than unknown.

Calesarvo froze and his expression changed from relief to fear.

“Relax Cal, this time it's a genuine elf and not a masked dragon.” said Sulzire.

Cool, even though it's a bit out of place and tell-y. Maybe don't say "not a masked dragon", let the reader wonder.

“Are you by chance Valudar?” asked Sulzire

“Yes,” said Valudar. “You are late.”

Cool! I like it.

Back to your questions:

Any descriptions you though were too much? Not enough?

I think I've answered this on a line-by-line basis.

What questions are you left with? Not as many as I'd like - I feel like you were almost too eager to answer them. The enduring ones I have concern possible plot holes: I wonder (of course) what the hourglass is/does, but why didn't they take the stuff out earlier? Why was the axle rusted through? Is Vio a child? I couldn't tell. Was the Commander high? How did Cal know that he'd died? What, I guess, was the banging sound? Why was the hourglass on wheels on the same track as the cart? Why didn't the bad guys attack through the woefully undefended rear tunnel that also led to a valuable artifact? Why was it so easy to get out that way? Who's the elf guy, why was he waiting for them?

There are more obvious questions: what's the deal with the war, the dragons, what'd Cal do, etc, but I'm not as interested as I could be in those answers. Sorry.

Are the characters engaging?

Not really, sorry. Cal seems like a Main Character which isn't great. The dragon guy is a blank canvas atm. Vio I do quite like. The Commander was weird, and his death was telegraphed very hard so idk. There are no other characters actually doing anything except the orc I guess which lends your world a kind of thin quality.

2
bluelightwizardOP•

Thank you for the feedback! lots for me to think about.

1
Pakslae•

Thank you for sharing this. Most fantasy I've seen is oh-so-serious, and everyone speaks like Shakespeare. I liked that you had a completely different tone, even if it is sometimes a little slapstick.

There are some issues. I made several comments in the document, mostly to indicate missing punctuation or sentence structure issues. This is a long piece, so I didn't get nearly all of them. I suggest that you feed this to Grammarly or Pro Writing Aid, which should catch most punctuation, tense, and other language issues. As it stands, those problems detract from what is really a delightful read.

Opening Paragraph

That opening paragraph is way too complex. You first describe them descending the stairway, then you describe what they see, and finally have both characters react to it, all without a paragraph break. Another commenter mentioned the sentence structure, but the complex paragraph exacerbates those problems.

Names

In your narration, each character can have exactly one name. You first introduced them as Violet and Cal, and those are their names. Switching to Vio and Calesarvo is confusing. This is especially true since you use Cal and Calesarvo within the same paragraph several times. For example, Calesarvo nervously glanced at Sulzire, “You stole this from the inlanders?!” said Cal*.*

You can switch it up within dialogue, but there should also be consistency. For example, you can refer to Violet, but have Cal call her Vio. If you do that, let him be consistent about that usage, unless he uses the full name when worried, angry or stressed (think of a mother using a kid's full names when he's in trouble).

Viewpoint

Be careful to stay with a single character's viewpoint. Cal's is the main viewpoint, but your narration shifts viewpoint a few times. Here are a few I picked up on, in the space of a few paragraphs:

  • She looked over seeing Cal tremble ever so slightly and a bead of sweat forming on his forehead. Cal doesn't know what she saw. He can guess of course, but in this case it doesn't even matter. Also, Cal stands there, transfixed. He's not paying attention to Violet at that moment. Perhaps he hears her speak, and then feels her grabbing his elbow.
  • The commander seemed to notice Calesarvo’s face losing color by the second. This is slightly better, because it can seem to Cal that the commander noticed it, but it's still a bit odd. Once again, Cal is stressed, and now he's intuiting that the commander is paying attention to his own complexion. You're better off cutting it altogether.
  • He paused for a moment looking at the hourglass, or rather right through it as though looking at a crystal ball trying to see the future. Same thing. Cal can see the commander looking at it, or he can think that the commander seems to be looking through it as though looking at a crystal ball, but he can't see the commander looking through it.
  • He took a moment to look at the hourglass, watching the sand dance upwards in an unending cycle. Once more, Cal doesn't know that the commander is watching the sand dance.

You get the idea. There are several of these, and I suggest that you work through the entire document and cut or change anything that can't be known by Cal.

Character Voice

Each character should speak and act in a way that is clearly different from the others. You have Violet (who is great), and then both the commander and Sulzire who sound just like her when they speak.

The tone of the commander is very casual, almost like a male Violet. That may or may not be a problem, but it is different. I can just imagine him sending troops into battle with some goofy remark, like "knock 'em on their noggins." He's odd, in that his tone doesn't match his station. I don't think troops would respond well when being sent into mortal danger by someone who lacks gravity.

With Sulzire, it's worse, because you introduce him with a "gruff and sturdy voice" and his first words are very formal. He comes across a bit like Warf from Star Trek. But when he and Vio are both present, he matches her way of speaking. All of these could have been said by her:

  • “I assume this is not just any kitchen sand timer”
  • “Who the hell made this contingency plan?”
  • "Unpractical is what this is!"

That doesn't mean he can't be humorous. It works for me when he tells Cal to "stop standing there like a stump." I think it works, because you can imagine it being said in a stern way.

Small Talk

I liked the banter between Vio and Cal, but when combined with the wordy dialogue delivered by the commander, it adds up to a lot of talking without action or conflict. Taking a scalpel to some of it, will improve pacing. So will removing the uhms and ahs that some of the characters use.

Punctuation

You need to end every sentence with a period and have a punctuation mark at the end of each bit of dialogue (before the quotes). You tend to miss the period at the end of paragraphs, and the punctuation at the end of dialogue when you follow it with a dialogue tag.

For example:

“Did you see something?” Vio asked. This is fine.

“I assume this is not just any kitchen sand timer” said Sulzire This is not. You need a comma before the closing quote, and a period at the end.

Quickly the inlander started to make work on the weakness in the cliff faced fortress smashing the small window. This needs two marks: cliff-faced is a single concept and needs a hyphen to join them, and you are combining two actions within one sentence. You should use a comma before "smashing," to indicate that a second thing is happening.

Anachronisms

Fantasy is such a well-established genre, that I automatically assumed that your story happens in a Middle Earth-like period inspired by the middle ages. If that is the case, you should pay close attention to metaphors and plot devices to ensure they fit that time period.

Here are a few things that I don't think make sense to have in such a setting:

  • The railway. In the middle ages, most heavy things were transported down rivers. I know the gummy bears had minecarts, but they (the minecarts) really didn't exist until around the sixteenth century.
  • Kitchen accessories (referred to by Violet).
  • "With every attempt the seconds ticked away..." This is a reference to mechanical clocks, where the second counter makes a distinct "tick" sound. These were invented in the fourteenth century. Technically, it may just about squeeze into the time period, but it would be a stretch.
  • The piercing sound of an alarm bell. A piercing sound is high pitched, like a modern electrical alarm. In the middle ages, the alarm would be a physical bell. You get high-pitched sounds from small bells, but they are not loud. For it to be an effective alarm for a mine, the bell would be bigger, and it's tolling would be at a lower frequency.

Overall

Forgive the pun, but when you introduced the railway, the plot went off the rails. I'm not sure how to fix that without a big rework unless they were able to take a boat down a stream instead of a minecart down a railway.

What you do have, is a funny and snarky character in Vio, several vivid descriptions (the scent of moss, the emerald sand, staring contest with the hourglass), a mysterious back-story for your protagonist, a Maguffin (the hourglass), and a sense of humour. I think you can keep most of the current structure while addressing the problems.

2
bluelightwizardOP•

Thanks for the feedback! This gives me a lot to go on and make changes.
This is set in like a mid fantasy undergoing a "magic" industrial revolution, I should probably drop some more details to solidify it in such a setting.

1
Karzov•

General remarks

There's a lot of work to be had on this piece. You have a world and characters and a plot, but most of it is nothing new and predictable. The problems you have one place recurs elsewhere, which is good, because that will result in a domino effect once you solve it and you'll notice remarkable changes rapidly.

Seeing as you've gotten plenty of critiques, I'll try to not reiterate the same things over and over again, but know that if you see some things come up over and over again, then that's what you ought to focus on.

I must also say I am glad you chose to come on this forum. By critiquing and posting yourself, you'll get better a lot faster than if you try to do it all by yourself. However, if you struggle to solve the problems I and many others outline in our critiques, I would advise that you consider buying one or more of these books on writing: Steering the Craft by Ursula Le Guin || On Writing by Stephen King || The Art of Fiction by John Gardner || The Elements of Style by Strunk & White || Playing with Words Shelley Davidow.

So, my first advice would be to format correctly: Times New Roman and double-spaced. The text is so compressed it becomes harder to read.

Prose & mechanics

There are some good parts in your prose, something which shows me that you have a good template from which you can hone your skills hereon out. That does not mean it is without issues. Sadly, that’s far from it. There are quite a few grammatical errors, some tense shifts, and excessive use of similes some places. I don’t know if you’re English or not, but there are ways to improve grammar even if not. You can use Grammarly to find every single rule that exists. I would suggest reading up on run on sentences at first. The books mentioned in General Remarks help quite a lot with rookie mistakes as well.

Here are some of the notes I made as I went through:

Opening line leaves me disinterested from the get-go. I would skip right to describing the ceiling of the cavern, though changed to better fit the opening line “sell”.

Run on sentence paragraph 3. “He moved his hand in a circular motion, the green sand which up…” -> “He moved his hand in a circular motion***(followed by: , and, period, semicolon or em dash)*** As someone else mentioned, there is a tense shift in this paragraph as well.

Paragraph 4. “Child like” -> “Child-like.”

Calling something for a “witch hat” ruins it. Describe it for us, don’t tell us. With that said, it does further the immature tone of this work. The question is: is this what you want?

End of first page. “mounting the boulder like a throne” followed by “devious smile like a mask” followed by “shaking off some droplets like a fan” ß three similes after each other sounds too repetitive and clunky. Needs variance.

Tense shifts as others have noted in the doc.

Don’t use “paused” or “remarked” as dialogue tags.

Plot & Setting

Both the plot and setting come off as generic, which seems to be sort of what you’re angling for since you want to write an adventure in a somewhat familiar fantasy world. This is all good and dandy, but problems occur when you use terms that have pretty much been coined by a video game (dragonborn), and then there’s the orcs and elves, which I grant is not unusual, yet it lends to the idea that you’re not creating something yourself here, you’re just rehashing existing things. The key is to use existing things in new ways, not relying on them for the work you want to create, because then it doesn’t feel like your own creation.

Everything not pertaining to the above problems are better. I.e. the gauntlet—great! It gives us questions, we want to know more about this. We don’t have any previous associations with this term, so it leaves us a mystery to ponder and wait to be solved. Another example is the conflict with the inlanders, you leave the reader wanting to know more, and that is exactly what one should strive to do. Same goes for Outlanders. As you can see, you have some creative ability, so don’t doubt yourself. Why use orcs or elves when you can try to create something unique, something which leaves the author yearning for more? Or, if you use them, how can you describe them in a unique way? Show, don’t tell. Leave us wanting, leave us questioning—that is your goal as a writer.

Dialogue

This is the most glaring issue pertaining your writing. It tells me you have a lot of work ahead of you, and in fact it reminds me a bit of me when I started out many, many years ago. First off, all the dialogue is cliché and taken / rehashed from something else, even if this was not your intent. This is not how people talk. It seems you’re trying too hard to mimic what you think would fit rather than thinking about a person would say in a given scene. Pay attention to the dialogue in the novels you read, or how people talk (they often have internal contexts that leaves you to deduce the rest), and even the dialogue in TV series or movies if you watch those too.

With that said, you do have the personalities (though mainly stock characters) that are unique in their voices, which is good. Violet is definitely the clearest one.

By and large, most of the dialogue is bad and some of it is ok. Don’t be discouraged by this—if you apply yourself (which coming on this subreddit proves that you do) you will be able to improve. There are some things I have omitted because you’ve gotten feedback by others already, but here are some notes I made as I went through it:

You don’t need to add “he said” twice in a paragraph (check paragraph 3 with Cal).

The dialogue feels cliché and childish. I suppose this is YA fantasy, and I don’t read that so I might not be able to give you the best advice. With that said, you can definitely do better than rehash overused lines.

I would advise one exclamation point in dialogue when applicable. E.g. Paragraph 4, instead of “Oh! Let me try!” write “Oh, let me try!”

“I have never seen an artifact that reacts differently depending on who is touching it, I doubt the Winged Allia is capable of making such a thing.” ß telling

“Winged Allia? Oh, right you are that fugitive mage from the dragon capitol the commander talked about.” ß more telling.

Cal tensed up, “Damn it... I pleaded with him not to let anyone know. I’m not a fugitive, all right? I’ve… I have done nothing wrong! I’m just trying to save my own skin here.” ß no one would ever react this way.

Some dialogue is ok, e.g. “We outlanders have to stick together!” Do you see how this doesn’t explain much to the reader, but we can still infer certain things? Again, we can see this when he mentions the hourglass thing as being “excavated by the gauntlet.” And again: “you stole this from the inlanders?”

You really need to calm down with the exclamation marks.

Don’t use fuck / what the hell or any other curse words that we normally would use. In a fantasy setting it almost always falls flat.

All in all, my best tips here would be to try to think of how real conversations go, try to study dialogue in novels / movies / series, check YouTube videos about dialogue, and, most importantly, restrain yourself from wanting to tell us everything. In fact, just give us 1+1 (don’t worry, we’ll figure out that it is 2).

Final remarks

As to your questions, I fear I don’t have much to say. I would not call it interesting, I would not continue reading, the characters were somewhat engaging yet too cliché to truly hit home. The descriptions weren’t too much, but rather the descriptions themselves are problematic. The questions I’m left with are mentioned above, so in other words it’s the things you did well (inlander, outlander, gauntlet).

I don’t mean to come off as too harsh, but I don’t believe in sugar-coating my critique either. After all, this is not the subreddit for those types of critiques. The good thing is, that once you fix these issues one by one, you will notice remarkable improvements in a rather short amount of time, which will only push your desire to write even more, and then next time you might fix some other issue, which will push you to write even more again, and so on until you’ve perfected your craft to the best of your ability.

2
bluelightwizardOP•

Thanks for the feedback. This is my first draft of my first written piece larger than a page. All the feedback has been very helpful in showing me where to go and what to work on to grow and become better. Implementing the feedback has been difficult as to not have the writing stall, with so many things to keep in mind at the same time.

1
Caidybell•

Yes, this was an interesting read, I enjoyed reading and would love to read more. I hope you do turn this into a book, it seems like it would be filled with many complex and interesting themes. I want to know more!

I really don't have any critiques besides watching spelling and grammar and try to keep the complex sentences to a minimum. Those can be difficult to read.

Very interesting and I am so curious about what the hourglass is for!

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bluelightwizardOP•

Thanks for your input!

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