Thank you for dissecting my piece so thoroughly. I wish I had an award to give you. Yeah as you may tell BoJack was a huge inspiration for this piece since it's my favorite show. I did feel like there were some weak points in my story but I didn't know how to address them, so now I have an idea of what direction to take this. Perhaps I was too invested in making this a horror story that I neglected to make it a good story in some areas.

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I'm glad you liked it otherwise. Have a beautiful day.

2/2

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Scene 1: party

I like the dialogue but you miss out on any chance to develop the narrator’s character (thi should be your goal in every scene imo). What did she think of their conversation? Reflect!

I like her dialogue with Arnie

Scene 2: the creep

I love the creep and this scene. He’s amazingly creepy, you do a great great job. The contrast between her relacing in her fancy house and this creep is great. Just a great scene.

The only thing I hate is the 135 BPM thing. Too specific, and out of place. I’m not on a treadmill. Just say her heart raced or pounded or something.

Scene 3: Heather

Intresting dialogue, worth keeping, but I would make it a little less cliche than “heather’s just a bratt” Maybe a bit of dimension?

Also, another point you should but more reflections and inner information about narrator. Use these scenes to illuminate her thoughts. She feels like a horse I’m riding through the sotry instead of a human I’m traveling with.

I don’t like the use 

Critique Time!

1/2

The Good:

You have something good to work with here. I enjoyed the read, which I usually don’t on this sub. So great job! It was intriguing and I never felt bored reading it. It offered a pretty intriguing subject area (I guess it’s not unheard of to have stories about the downfalls of fame, like BoJack Horseman, etc. but it’s not overdone like a lot of the fantasy we get here and you do a good job portraying it). I thought the length and pace were generally decent. The writing was usually decent enough to not disallow my enjoyment of the story.

The Bad:

I read the other critique of your story, and I whole heartedly agree: it’s plain and it lacks enough character depth. What is your story really about? Your narrator, a character. It is thus extremely important for this character to be interesting, developed, and dynamic. She’s not very dynamic, and arguable not very developed. The core issue with the story is that in most of the scenes, I don’t actually feel lik

Thank you for your critique. It seems like not capitalizing on plot points and style seems to be the main concern for the story, which I can see why.

I appreciate you taking the time to giving my story a thorough feedback.

Replendence Critique
Hello! I rather enjoyed your piece, it gave me strong Perfect Blue vibes, which is a good thing if you’re going for creeping horror. A more thorough breakdown is below, but largely I think your prose and style is solid, but that the storybeat require more detail. (Other readers have said that, but I hope to provide my own points)


The Good:

**Characters:** Sunni, thankfully, has a lot of character. There’s a lot of flair in the dialogue we have. Likewise, for Arnie. This sentence:
> So why don’t you be a good wittle assistant and fetch my coffee Leichenberg?”

Is a big oof because you really don’t want Sunni saying that since it’s clearly not a healthy thing to say. Arnie’s reaction is equally believable, since he doesn’t just shrug it off but is deeply wounded.

**Dialogue:** Sort of touched on above, but the dialogue is snappy, and doesn’t need too much tagging. This helps keep things moving because the story is eminently about Sunni.

**Plot:** The plot certai

Thank you for devoting time to reading and to writing feedback, even if it wasn't a full critique per se. Writing it, I suppose the reveal wasn't all the shocking. 

I'll take everything you said under consideration next go round.

Not a crit.

That was decent. Not usually what I'm into, but decent.

The only things:
It felt a little plain for my taste.
Could have been a bit longer to explore the characters deeper.
From the moment the security guard asked for a photo I knew it was him, and then a few seconds later I was certain.
The cops saying "he's probably left" and the rat scratches told me that he was hidden.
Remove the BPM stuff, it felt a bit overused and you could probably find a better way to convey the tension.
Remove the "as I later learned" from the "a local outside hire", it destroyed the tension—my first thought was "so nothing crazy happens here".

Conclusion: I think this would benefit from some expansion. More depth into early life (for the endings sake), draw the individual scenes a bit deeper. That is if this is something you intend to build on, it could work.

And, a caveat—I like reading things with alot of introspection, poetic styling, and imagery, so my comment of "a little plain" should b

Thank you for providing such an in-depth look at my story. I meant to get back to you sooner but I was exhausted. Although yes, this is meant to be a horror story, perhaps I was too caught up in trying to fit it into the mold of something scary instead of something cohesive (a concern I shared with another user). It seems that unanimously lack of character depth, detail, and some out-of-the-blue moments are what's keeping the story from being as good as it could be. I am going to get rid of the head-in-the-box and Tasha scenes just to keep it more grounded in what's already established.

Again, thank you so much for dissecting my work. I'm glad you found it an entertaining read at least :D

**Miscellaneous**

>The sand sung in whispers between my toes.

I liked this description. Another commenter mentioned the plainness of your language, and I somewhat agree, but you do have good descriptive moments in this piece which I felt weren't acknowledged. "Mimosa sun" is another description I really liked.

>I didn’t even know what it was titled until I arrived at the record store and saw the posters.

Good way to further indicate her strained relationship with her label.

>Silence lingered like a lynched corpse.

Also a nice description. Paints a very morbid atmosphere. Although, a suggestion: maybe 'hung' would be a more appropriate word than 'lingered.' As it plays on both the image of a hanging man, and also the pervasive lingering silence.

There were a couple of spelling/grammatical errors throughout. Ideally, you should be doing a cursory read through of your piece before submitting to clean up such errors. The main grammatical error I caught was missing commas when referr

I think this story could improved in two ways: POV utilization and reconsidering/elaborating on some plot elements. I think this story needs to be longer to do justice to all the ideas and give them room to breathe. The good news is that this is eminently readable. I planned only to read a fraction of this and then continue the next day, but I ended up reading it in one go.   


**Opening**  


The opening establishes a distant, reflective tone. The story has already happened, and it is being told to us. I was reading it as analogous to a voice over. Honestly, I wasn't fan of the opening sentence because it seemed quite basic and generic, but I'm not staunchly against it. It's a basic introduction that set me comfortably into the story.  


We're getting an overview of events that have already happened, and so there's little engagement as a reader. Sure, it's readable, but it's also plain. It seems the opening paragraphs are set in the fictive past, and from the this line onwards:  




Hey folks. My short story is a psychological horror about the side effects of fame at a young age.

Concerns: Any and all. Specifically, I want to know how the plot/story moves along for you (emphasis on the last act because I'm not entirely satisfied with how it ends). I wanted to highlight the stress that comes with being both loved and hated by the world. Also, any notes on character is greatly appreciated.

Happy destroying, show no mercy &gt;:D

Story: 

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1shvIswlTN68SabtE_rPIPxsgixCs3k0J07goHaqMZn0/edit?usp=sharing

Critiques:

The Rise and Demise of the Nine to Five (3029)

https://old.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/kjr0m0/3029_the_rise_and_demise_of_the_nine_to_five/gh4yipn/

The Shrub God (2169)

https://old.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/kgs5dt/2169_the_shrub_god/ggj37cu/

[3809]Resplendence