Your expectations aren't my fault,
The same effect for you,
But it's an awful feeling,
When there's nothing I can do,
To be your perfect person.
I hope that I can make you smile,
When I say a simple joke,
I'm sorry if it's out of place,
But it's just the way I cope,
Whenever my dark thoughts worsen,
Because I'll never be your perfect person.
Posted Jan 5, 2021, 5:02 PM UTC · edited
I like that the crux of the poem being between line breaks and breaking the pattern of rhyming. It really makes you stop and sit in the pain of the words for a moment. I also really like the line “your expectations aren’t my fault”. That’s something I’ve definitely both received and have given to other people. The last two lines break the meter. I think they’re really good verses, but I wonder if a line break would help it flow since it is different. I liked this a lot! Thank you so much for it!
Thank you for your kind feedback. I typically write in a more orderly fashion with a stricter rhyme scheme but recently I've been trying to challenge myself to write in a different and more uncomfortable way so I can write in any form and perfect a flow even through changing schemes. This was my first post in this subreddit because I've always loved writing poetry, but I never thought about sharing it, and so now that I'm experimenting with different styles I would love some feedback from other writers. Thanks!
I’ve been trying to do more free verse stuff too because I find that I also get stuck in rhymes and meter. It’s definitely a challenge, and I think it’s awesome you’re doing it!
Thanks!
in the same kinda situation rn :( this poem captured it well and you did a great job of showing that pain. i think playing around with some of the commas could help the poem overall but this is still very guud
Thank you. Good luck.
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Thank you!
The first stanza is really meaningful because it's something I can relate to. The "awful feeling" part is something I can struggle with at times because I feel as if I can do better or do something differently. But, I think your poem did a nice job of sending out the message that there is no "perfect person".
Thanks for the comment!
Wow, it was a great poem technique wise, and was just clean, but man I have been to that place before and it ducking sucks (you can read my last poem to see what I mean, they really are quite similar) I don’t know if you have emotionally endured this same feeling, but if you have, I feel sorry for you and I hope your life works out and turns a new leaf.
Thanks, you too.
I like the interchanges/comparisons between action and reaction. I hope to... make you smile" but the partner responds negatively "it's out of place." The poem can tell a short story by keeping that as a template.
The words in the verses that set the tone are: "my fault" "awful" "sorry" "dark" - so it's not a happy relationship. The speaker has hope and good intentions, but the partner is not affirming the speaker's positive intent. Play with that juxtaposition.
One idea I learned from a Coursera songwriting course, is to try a three part approach: Talk about the start, the middle and the end of the relationship. Think about memorable incidents at each stage.
I tend to pay more attention to the story being told than the formal structure. You can see that in examples on my poetry blog: www.expressoromance.com
Tell the truth, then work on the pacing and meter. Keep writing!
Thank you so much for giving me these tips! I am trying a new form out and you have been very helpful to me about structure and even storytelling so thank you very much and I will use these tips in the future.
It’s actually a great time I hope that I may be able to purchase it in a poem book later on in Barnes and Noble
Thank you! I feel like that's a bit much, but still thank you so much.
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Thank you.
These poems are really hitting close to home for me tonight. If anything today, i realized i will always be not enough or too much for everyone, and that I’m never gonna be perfect for him, and never gonna be perfect for anyone else.
I really, really like it because of how close to home it hits, and how simple words get put into simple sentences and work so good together that it creates such a strong emotion. Keep up the amazing work :)
Thank you. I'm glad to hear that it's not just me. Good luck with life and relationships you may have.
Wow, I love this. This is excellent.
That first stanza said it all. You communicated a lost and wanting feeling, one that was sad but resigned, both hurt and forgiving of the one you love. It was full of glow, and there's a graceful simplicity. You could even delete everything after the first 'To be your perfect person' and have a brilliant poem here, because the rest is effectively trying to describe the same feeling again.
I have two tips:
- A good rule of thumb is to replace 'it's' or 'it is' or any other conjugation of the verb 'to be' and replace it with another verb, any verb that fits the tone of the poem. All things 'are', so you can use a different verb to characterise whatever you are describing more finely. For example:
'I'm sorry if it's out of place'
can become:
'I'm sorry if it falls out of place'
The verb 'falls' adds an imagery of the catastrophic feeling of the bad joke. You could have any verb to express your feelings here
- Secondly, consider taking out the the repetitive 'I's. a little rule I like to think of when writing in any kind of romantic voice – you don't want to come across narcissistic, using too many I's and directly referring to yourself all the time. Arguably the poem is one big self reference. You can say a lot of the same things if you restructure your sentences a bit and refer to yourself indirectly. For example:
'I hope that I can make you smile/ When I say a simple joke'
can become:
'There's always a hope I can make you smile / caught up in my simple joke'
Three repetitive 'I's become one 'I' and a 'my'.
I enjoyed your poem a lot, thank you.
Happy writing, and all power to the pen!
Thank you very much! This is my first post here and I'm trying a new style, so this is very helpful! Thank you so much!