[1192] Intervention, 2nd Draft

I posted the first version of this about a week ago and have learned a lot. This is the result. The basic story and mechanics are the same, but I've either rewritten or reworked almost everything. Except for the title, which I still don't like.

The writing prompt was Freedom, and I am supposed to have exactly 1200 words.

Whether or not you have read the original, I'd love to get any feedback at all. If you did read the first draft, I'd appreciate some specific feedback, listed after the links.

This is the story.

And this is my critique of [2972] Chained Fates.

In case you're interested, this is the first draft.

For those who read the first version, I'm very interested in whether I've improved the following areas:

• Overall, is the new one better?
• I changed from past tense to present, because past tense felt more distant, or "telly." Do you agree that it's better for this story?
• I changed the beginning: both in the hopes to improve the pacing, and to make some of the relationship dynamics less extreme. The original also felt weird when I switched to present tense.
• The more I read the first version, the more Kristen annoyed the crap out of me. She was all teary sentiment and no substance. In fact, she felt more like a tween than a forty-something woman. So, I tried to make her less whiny, more assertive, and just more complete overall. Do you think I succeeded in that?
• Frank should be less of an ass, grandpa less naïve and condescending.
• The first version's conflict escalated like nuclear war and was then resolved with a pat on the head. I'm still constrained by the word count (and talent), but I hope the dialogue and the conflict are smarter.
• The pacing was waaaay off in the first one, with the start being very rushed.
• Imagery is still the one area where I feel completely clueless. I don't think it's good now, but I hope there is a marginal improvement.

Thank you very much, and sorry for the long list. Please feel free to answer as few or as many of these as you want to.