SuperPantaleon•

I understand and empathize with what this poem is trying to do, but I feel like I'm wanting more from the speaker. This poem may be better served with more concrete imagery. When did I know you needed me? When did I call you mine? I am eager to know a concrete image, anything that is descriptive of this relationship between parent and son.

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nineplusben_OP•

Thank you for the feedback. I appreciate it. Every comment makes me strive to become better at this craft. I guess the goal was to imply that the parent has loose grips on the relationship with their son, and wanted to be back to "a" day when they knew that their son needed them. I will revise.

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ThroughTheEaves•

I like the implication of an estranged relationship at the time this poem was felt. I can't comment much on the structure of it because, well, it's a haiku, and I am not educated enough of the intricacies of them to be any help, but from an emotional standpoint I think it's wonderfully poignant! I immediately assumed the narrator was the father, and didn't even realize it wasn't explicitly stated until I read it once more, I'm just in a turning point with my own and your words tugged at a nice little heart string I didn't notice was there! There's a certain lament already shown in the first line that's expanded on well, and I feel like there's a nice connection between the child needing their parent, and therefore the parent knowing their child was their own still.

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nineplusben_OP•

Thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed!

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no-impulse-control•

I like the theme you're going for, but I feel there's an odd disconnect between the speaker and the listener.

It might just be how short a poem is, maybe a haiku wasn't the right choice for this theme, there just seems to be something lacking - an unfinished story of sorts.

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karitased•

Although, other people complain that there is not enough context, I absolutely love the message you communicate briefly, and was immediately clear for me: you, a father (or mother but I have an image of a father in mind primarily), try to reconnect with your son and let them know that you deeply care about them by recollecting a memory of a day where you could be there for them. It might be the case that you need to live through this experience either as a son or a father for this poem to elicit a strong feeling - which it did in my case.

I don't have any critique, I think this is great.

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nineplusben_OP•

Thank you so much!!

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