Desire
Posted Jan 22, 2021, 10:49 AM UTC
37
This is a pretty sensual haiku and I can appreciate the moment you’re trying to capture and the way you’ve done it. Since this is your first haiku in English I would point out that, if you’re trying to follow the 5-7-5 syllable rule you just missed. Everything is fine but line 2 which has 8 syllables, so it ends up being 5-8-5. This can be totally fine, but if you’re trying to be within the realm of the 5-7-5 standard then I just wanted to point that out.
I like the naturalistic aspect of this: ‘a moment of calm’ (time, feeling); ‘honey drops gently on the tongue’ (sensory).
Overall I really enjoyed this, thank you for posting :)
1
Thank you! I appreciate your kind feedback. I wanted a 5-7-5. It is pretty obvious that is 5-8-5 and I did not notice until now. It seems that at the moment of writing I forgot to count.
2
Gorgeous. If this is your first poem in English, I'm seriously impressed. The title makes it seem like this is a pretty sensual poem, but it just reads to be as incredibly tender. You've created so much intimacy and yet so much introspection in just a haiku. Great job!
1
Thank you! Your words are feeding my ego. And it feels good. :))
1
I think the term “the meat” is more crass than you intended based on the rest of your lovely piece. I’d suggest finding a different term unless you literally mean a piece of non-human animal meat
1
I can see that. I am thinking that "flesh" is more fitting. Thank you for showing this to me!
2
This is my first Haiku. In fact, this is my first poetry in English. Feedbacks and advices are welcome.