I would upvote this ten times if I could. Thank you for taking the time to go through my story in such detail, and to give me so much thoughtful advice. Some of those suggestions are just fantastic.

The question remains... how the hell did the "double a" survive three weeks of editing and about a thousand re-reads? Oh my.

**Tone**

I think this could be improved in some sections. I found certain paragraphs left me struggling to determine what exactly you were wanting me to feel. For example, in the opening paragraph:  
**Sentence one:** This description suggests I should be feeling fear/danger, as there is potential that someone has been injured or died.  
**Sentence two:** In the middle of this sentence, it transitions from one of fear (trembling from shock) to one that almost seems like you want us to laugh from the sassy-like thoughts from Dad.  
**Sentence three:** Very clearly using humor.

The problem here, especially that it’s your opening paragraph, is that I don’t trust you yet. This is my first time reading your work, and within the first three sentences I’m not sure how I should be feeling. While that may be intentional, it comes across like you are uncertain in your writing, which I know isn’t the case because you’re clearly a capable writer.

Even a particular choice of wording can affect t

Part 1/2

Hi there,

I looked at your other drafts and would like to congratulate you on what is very much an improvement in your writing. As well, good for you for actually submitting a piece of writing. It takes a lot of courage to take that leap. Wishing you all the best with that!

**Characters**

**MC/Dad**

Here, the Dad clearly has a disconnect between the way he sees himself and the way his children sees him. I think this is a wonderful way of showing the struggle of coming to terms with ones deteriorating health, and while there were incredible moments of bringing this complex character to life, I felt there were some inconsistencies.

**Inconsistency #1: When Dad lets Frankie handle the situation with the angry driver and the police**

Later in this story, we learn that the Dad is actually quite defiant, wanting to prove to his children that he is capable of being independent. However, this passing of responsibility to his son is showing the opposite. The saving grace here is

Thank you very much for the kind words. It's incredible how much I learned in the three weeks since I submitted the first draft. The problem then, is to get the execution right. So I'll admit to being perhaps ***more*** freaked out about posting the story this time.

Nice work!

The emotional balance of the characters is definitely better articulated here than in the prior version. 

Frank is more than a heartless boogeyman this time around. And the narrator feels like he is less defensive about his driving skill and more frantic about losing the last important rituals he has in his life (church and graveside visits). 

The last version left me a little cold and listless—if I’m being perfectly honest. But the emotions are quite palpable this time around.

Grrr... I knew the em dashes looked odd there. I'm elated that you liked the story and took the time to give me some feedback.

The first draft had a short scene shift to the hospital as well, and I tried to make space for expanding both the accident scene and the confrontation by compressing the transition between them. I absolutely agree that the shift between the two scenes is abrupt, but I haven't yet figured out a way to fix that within the word count. But that's why we keep practising, right?

He he. The bouquet nearly didn't survive the final revisions. I'm not planning to continue hammering this piece into shape, but that was one item I was still very unsure of.

I love the rewrite you did of the kitchen scene. To be honest, having a wider variety of sentence structures only came onto my radar after a commenter on the first draft mentioned it. I knew there was something too simple and almost stilted to the prose, but couldn't put my finger on it exactly. I think *that* and my use of imagery will be the areas of focus of writing exercises I do for the next little while.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and give me such great feedback.

**General Remarks**

Interesting read - it's full of emotion, and some parts really hit home. I think it does a good job of telling the experience of the dad. It was pretty easy to read and to follow.

The parts that didn't work for me quite so well were that it's almost like a reverse climax - it starts with a car crash and an emotional confrontation and then sort of slows into gradual acceptance and then resolution. And, its told in a very direct, sort of clinical step by step that struck me as a repetitive at times. Also, it's a bit sappy for my taste, but that could just be me.

**Plot**

To elaborate on my reaction to the plot (and I'm not sure I would say it needs to be changed in a 1200 word piece), but it seemed like the emotions were the most heightened at the beginning then slowly faded. So, I found my attention drifting about midway through because I felt like the "exciting" part already happened.

I'll be honest and say I don't really have a good suggestion of what to do di

I didn't even notice how I hit all the stages in the Kübler-Ross model, but I definitely felt that it was more believable when I added some of those lines you mentioned. I suppose it's innately familiar.

Thank you for the encouragement. I definitely plan to keep posting stories and scenes here.

This isn’t a critique, I just wanted to quickly weigh on some of the comments you’ve gotten already which have been great. Overall, I have to agree with another commenter that this was a little sappy for my taste, ending with a big group hug and such, but that really is a matter of personal preference. And I still enjoyed the story because the emotion of the father was really well-conveyed. 

I agree that the “tapping his chest for emphasis” line is well-done, except for the end. I would say that “I’m the victim here” is definitely a cliche and kind of a universal symbol for someone refusing to take responsibility. 

The one thing that really made me want to comment was the critique pointing out how you could base this father character around the stages of grief. The weird thing is, the minute I got done reading this, one of the first things I thought before reading that critique was that you were portraying the five stages of grief really well.

There’s the denial:

> “That’s not what

I've left all my comments in the Google Doc, and I do think there's a decent amount of cleaning up that you need to do.  Critiquing the story after you've read it is one thing, and a couple people have done that here, but I looked at it through a first-time reader lens. I'm introduced to characters that I have no idea about, and the story moves along without explaining who they are. 

You need to bring readers into your story and understand the characters. With a story like this, I think inner dialogue would be a massive improvement. I want to know what the dad is thinking throughout all this.

This is the version of Intervention that I ended up submitting, and it hits the word count exactly (yay!). The other group said many nice things about it, but I guess they are just not used to being so destructive. So at the risk of my ego, here is the gold version of my story. Do as you please.

Story: [Intervention](https://docs.google.com/document/d/19xdR5OD7C4beYLyDifxr-Vu9OSbu0MygRAYw3ASj16c/edit?usp=sharing)

Crit: [\[2864\] The Lure (Revised)](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/l72i6t/2864_the_lure_revised/gl5qkak?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3)

I decided to keep the accident scene, and tried to smooth it out a bit. And I took another hatchet to the dialogue, nerfing it to the point that I even think Frank comes across as a passable person.

I also tried to build out the main character, by being more explicit in letting him actually respond to the things going on and the things being said. I really hope I nailed it, but [real life is a shitty movie](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/l0z7ox/weekly_what_are_you_reading/gjy1ykj?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3) (I said I was stealing the line).

In case you are interested in how such a work of art came about, here is the [second draft](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/l0vb3v/1192_intervention_2nd_draft/), and here is the [vomit draft](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/kvb8k3/1199_intervention/).

[1200] Intervention - Final