Source
r/AskReddit•
applebit

Which makes you more uncomfortable- a lesbian or a gay man and why?

For note, I'm a lesbian. I don't mean to offend anyone by asking this question, I just realized that since coming out to some guy friends, they either treat me like a guy friend or (the people I know less) treat me with a little caution now. I realized my gay guy friend saying the same thing happened to him. Females are typically more embracing of gay guys, so I find it odd that men aren't as embracing of lesbian gals.

If you feel uncomfortable with one or the other (or both!), mind explaining to me why? If you don't feel uncomfortable with either, well, uh, good for you! Huzzah!

Don't worry about me taking offense to what you say.

Posted Oct 12, 2011, 2:06 PM UTC

654
DreadfulRauw•

Neither, really. I'm way more uncomfortable around aggressively straight folks, and I'm straight.

12
jakeyp•

To this point, I think I'm just uncomfortable around aggressively sexual people in general.

While I'm not made uncomfortable around gay people, I do get annoyed by the gay guys I know that go really overboard and essentially try to model their personality around every gay stereotype.

At the same time, I get pretty easily tired of my more bro-ish friends that talk about plotting their genitalia into anything with a pulse 75% of the time I hang out with them. WE GET IT. YOU LIKE SEX. THIS IS THE MOST OBVIOUS SENTIMENT ON THE PLANET. BE MORE INTERESTING.

6
DreadfulRauw•

Now see, I do love sex. I consider myself a bit of a sex nerd. I like having sex and I like talking about sex.

I also like chess. I like playing chess and talking about playing chess with friends. I do not like going up to everyone who looks like a good chess player and aggressively requesting to play chess. I don't like sitting around talking about how awesome I am at chess and how many games of chess I've played. And I certainly don't claim to be the greatest at chess, then get weirded out when someone starts talking about a chess strategy I may not use.

5
NinjaDiscoJesus•

Well, some lesbians can be overly condescending towards men

Some gay guys are too flamboyant for me

So it depends.

I don't really have any constant lesbian acquaintances that I know off, but have several gay guys

3
applebitOP•

Mind I ask an example of the condescending bit? I'm just now worried that I do it. Gulp.

Would you say it's easier to be friends with a gay guy than a lesbian gal? If so, is it because of the whole guys can be friends with guys easier than females thing?

1
DreadfulRauw•

I think it can be tougher for guys to be friends with lesbians as a whole because there's a level of defensiveness within the culture. Men are pigs. Lesbians have no interest in men sexually, but men have interest in women sexually. So a lot of "stereotypical lesbian behavior" is based on convincing men they're not really welcome. There's a perfectly good reason for that. But it makes straight men less likely to go near women, even as friends.

That being said, I have some wonderful lesbian friends, so it's not set in stone. It just seems lesbians are more insular than gay men.

3
NinjaDiscoJesus•

Just my limited experience with them.

Mainly through some of the people I drink with who are gay.

I found them condescending, as if men weren't worth anything

1
Psionx0•

There is a lesbian in my graduate school (I'm gay btw). I thought that naturally this would help form a friendship. Instead, she treated me like crap. Wouldn't laugh at jokes (pointedly ignoring mine while laughing at others), overly hostile (I would ask a question and she would immediately become over defensive and attack anything I said). Right around the time of the SF pride parade last year, I started to ask her if she was going to participate in Dykes on Bikes. She rides a motorcycle. As I said "So are you going to the Parade, and are you going to participate in Dykes on..." She yelled at me like I was a child for daring to ask such a .... personal question.
Note: I was the only male in our classes. I was the only one she was hostile to.

1
applebitOP•

Eesh... (For the record, Dykes on Bikes... that sounds awesome.)

1
Psionx0•

Yeah it's cool. A lot of them ride through the parade shirtless. Which is why I was so shocked at her response. I mean, letting it all hang out in a parade and then yelling at someone for asking about it? Oiy. Oh yeah, I found out from a mutual friend that she did indeed participate in Dykes on bikes.

1
joeblough•

I guess it depends what they're dong to me at the moment to decide how uncomfortable I am. I don't like being in a full-nelson, regardless of the orientation and sex of the "nelsoner"

3
Sylraen•

Freudian slip?

3
joeblough•

The Freudian Slip doesn't bug me much...but The Rodeo, the Donkey-Punch, and the Filthy-Sanchez all really make me uncomfortable.

2
joculator•

Has to do with attracting the third person: If you're a guy and you hang out with a gay guy, people will think you're gay too and it will be tougher to pick up women. If you're a guy and you hang with a lesbian, other women will be slightly less likely to enter your group, unless she's really hot; then it's really worthwhile.

So that's the problem; it's all about how one will be perceived by others.

2
applebitOP•

I oddly never thought of that.

0
Sylraen•

Absolutely. I've also been burned in the past by gay guys who don't know how to be just friends with men, so I find myself trying to be uncomfortably explicit with the friendzoning whenever I want to chill with a gaybro.

0
Belruel•

I do not accept your statement regarding being considered gay as true.

If you're a guy and you hang out with a gay guy, people will think you're gay too

This is one of the stupidest things I have ever read. Why would they assume you are gay? If your 'idea' is true, why would they not just assume that he is straight since he is hanging out with straight guys?

I have never in my life seen a straight man hanging out with his gay friend and thought 'oh my, that one fellow is gay, so his friend must be too! Goodness knows that gays are like magnets, they attract each other an repel all else!'

-1
Jingy_•

You may not think that way. I may not think that way. Mature reasonable people in general may not think that way.

However, here are still plenty of judgmental people out there who make shallow knee-jerk assumptions on appearance and attribute qualities to others "by association". Hell, it's a trademark of "sheeple". (mature reasonable people are after all, not the majority)

But even putting that aside, it doesn't really mater how many people actually "do this", it maters far more how the guys Joculator was referring to, "expect" people to think. It's their assumed judgment from others that leads to their discomfort. it doesn't mater if that judgment even exists at all, just as long as the stereotype/insecurity exists in their mind.

3
joculator•

It's been my experience at least a couple of times.

1
Sylraen•

I'm not sure why you don't think this is true. Maybe you don't think that, but joculator isn't trying to attract you specifically.

1
[deleted]•

Neither...but I will say a gay man acting too silly and prissy annoying.

2
r0cksteady•

Lesbians because its hard to hide a boner when wearing pants

2
Sylraen•

much harder to hide a boner when not wearing pants

1
applebitOP•

easy to hide a boner when not wearing penis

3
kanji_sasahara•

Gay male weird me out, so I'm really uncomfortable around them. I'm friends with a few lesbians, and they're fucking awesome.

2
FredSteak•

Why would someone's sexual preference make me uncomfortable, doesn't bother me who you prefer to fuck as long as your a decent person..

2
Blackholiolio•

Coming out does not change you. Anyone who thinks otherwise is an idiot! Congratulations!

2
applebitOP•

I've been out, but thanks! I came out to them a whiiile ago

1
meangrampa•

I'm not uncomfortable around either. I'm straight and have a few lesbian friends and a few gay ones. I don't care either way what their orientation is. I'm an atheist so my 'religion ' doesn't dictate that I hate them. I love them and wish to see them happy and succeed in their endeavorers and will help them in any way possible. It's what real friends do. I've always felt this way and my age hasn't softened my criticisms. But I really only have genuinely nice people as close friends. That has taken many years of work and cultivation.

2
Sylraen•

Lesbros are the best bros.

2
applebitOP•

I've definitely been abused for my wingwoman powers before. I don't mind. Here's to hoping the cycle is completed!

3
Sylraen•

I would be thrilled to introduce you to some of my lesbros.

1
brett84c•

I'm a straight guy, my roommate is a gay man, but he's also one of my best friends. He's friends with a lot of gay men, has a close lesbian friend, and i work at the Cheesecake Factory with a few lesbians. My parents always raised me to look at people's hearts. A few years ago, when i started hanging out with my roommate, i had never really 'hung out' with any gay people before that. It felt a little odd at first just b/c of the whole tabu society had put in my head about how promiscuous and sexually assertive gays were. I would, and still do, get the occasional flirt or pass(which, to be honest, is actual very complimenting), but the thing is, there are people with awesome and shitty personalities everywhere, regardless of sexual orientation. Some gays just try to put on a show and want attention or wanna be gross and say vile things, and some are level headed, normal people that just happen to prefer their same sex over the opposite.

I have noticed, however, that gay women tend to be slightly less stable although i don't feel any less comfortable around them and as long as they treat me with the same respect i give them, then there's no problems here, but that's relative to any person, regardless of sexual preference.

Basically, life is too short to try and get everyone to like you. There are much more open-minded people out there then you think, but you gotta take into account whether people had strict religious backgrounds (i had and am religious, but was never the convicting kind), the area they grew up in, the area they live, how old they are... I'm actually very surprised how many straight friends of mine are totally fine and normal around my gay roommate and his friends. Good people gravitate to good people, so as long as someone genuinely cares about my friendship and enjoys my company, then i don't care what your ideas or orientation are, as long as that mutual respect is there.

2
yourbabiesdaddy•

Both because they're getting action and i'm not.

2
applebitOP•

Everyone! Stop having sex!

2
[deleted]•

haters gonna hate.

1
snoobs89•

To be onest i find gay guys are uncomfortable round me.. i dont know what it is women like me. i dont have any problem with that but i work with 4 gay guys and all of them basically just shy away whenever i talk to them... Straight guy's no problem i have alot of friends. but it's just those 4 gay dudes go quiet as a mice the second i enter the room..

1
MtFujiInMyPants•

Maybe it's the whole "Harry Met Sally" mythos where many men/women don't feel like they can be friends with members of the opposite sex without some level of physical attraction between them, even if it's unrequited. I wouldn't say it's something you're doing or the way you act. This is a part of that individual's gender identification.

1
applebitOP•

Wouldn't being friends with a lesbian gal give you a way into the opposite sex's group?

1
[deleted]•

[deleted]

1
blindinganusofhope•

Really butch lesbians that are way into identity politics are a little too much for me.

Gay guys that have the "gay inflection" and are way into identity politics are also a bit overwhelming.

1
featherfusser•

Lesbians - which I am. Typically gay girl friend groups are mini meat markets. Plus, I'm not into drama.

1
corby315•

Neither really. But the ones who make it the most uncomfortable are the ones who havent come out yet, although every one knows. In my experience a couple of friends were proven to be gay by certain sources, yet they act like they are not. So it is wierd to say things around him because of the way they might take it, even though they do not know everbody knows they are gay.

1