Ooh don't be sorry! I think it's good you ask follow-up questions, you should make sure your work is as good as it can be!

&#x200B;

>I tried showing these traits, but do you have any suggestions on making them more clear?

Yes! I could see a sliver of these traits, yes. This is made most clear when he says he hates children, but he decides to be as sober as he can be, just to make sure of their safety. I think that you could just add some of his thoughts in between the description, or the smaller details of his body language. For example:

>James leaned forward on the bed and shut the curtain. He had stared long enough. 

This one could be "James leaned forward on the bed and shut the curtain. He had stared long enough, **and the sight of the addict made him sick.** ***I would never end up like that,*** **he thought to himself.**"  
Or whatever his thoughts/reaction might be. 

Or, another example:

>The darkness made it difficult to see the details of her face clearly, but he could 

Hi there,

Thank you for the feedback! Clarity is something I struggle with in my writing, so pointing out where you were confused was greatly appreciated. 

Regarding James, he's definitely my most complicated character. He sees himself as being nothing like the others who are addicted to the Pion, despite being addicted himself. As well, the way he interacts with people is much different from how he feels about them internally. He's very manipulative in that sense. I tried showing these traits, but do you have any suggestions on making them more clear? 

Out of curiosity, what were the questions you were wanting answers to the most? They're all answered in the next couple of chapters, but if I can fit some of them in earlier for a better read, I will try. 

Thank you again and sorry for the follow-up questions!

Hello! Let's start!

**The Story**  
I had a couple issues with this story. I think I've read it about 3-4 times, and some things only became clear to me at the third read. It's a bit of a confusing story. There's a lot going on with the addict, James being wounded but also an addict, this mysterious girl/woman Laurence talked about, and more. I think the reason it's confusing, is because of a few things:

Firstly, I don't think the window to James' thoughts is wide enough. Especially in the beginning of the story. He's the protagonist but often I'm not sure what he's thinking, or feeling. For example, at the beginning, how does James feel about the addict on the bed? Is it common for him to see people like that, or shocking? Later on it's revealed James is also an addict. Especially because of that, I feel James should have an internal reaction to this person.  
The same goes for James' relationship towards Laurence. I don't really get at what James thinks of him. At one point, he cal

**STAGING**

I think here is where most of the issues lie. There's no clear imagery on how the characters behave themselves in the environment surrounding them.

Let's go back to the man cuffed to the bed. He asks for the curtains to be drawn and James does that for him. You mention James leans forward on *the* bed. Since *the* only bed mentioned before was the addict's bed, I assumed James came in from another room, leaned across the addict's bed and closed the curtains. My mind filled in those details because there was never talk of a second bed, or of a second character inside the room lying on said bed. This confusion portrayed for the rest of this scene.

There are also some inconsistencies that contribute to unclear images in this first part. Let me highlight them for you:

>The soldiers had dragged the addict in moments ago

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>Considering the emptiness in the room, it seemed that was the most attention that man had received in a long time.

Why the assumption if James h

 **GENERAL REMARKS**

This... is very confusing. I didn't understand half the things I read, and I was still left with several doubts even after a second read. As a reader, going through this was frustrating and my patience was hanging by a thread. However, I was curious enough about what the hell was happening to keep reading, hoping to have my questions answered. Unfortunately, this did not happen. I am unsure if I would continue to chapter 2 if this was a book. All of that said, with some proper work and rewriting, I think this story could be something really good. It has potential, it just needs to be brought to the surface.

**MECHANICS**

*Title*

The title is what made me click on this thread. I like it, though I initially thought it would've been just about smoking or something of the likes. While that impression isn't exactly wrong, there's clearly more to it and to your world than just the Pion. It's intriguing, it has potential, and the title reflects that. Solid choice.

*H

Hi all,

Hope you're doing well. Any and all feedback is greatly appreciated. This opening Chapter deals with suicide and addiction quite extensively, so just a heads up about that. 

My Story: [https://docs.google.com/document/d/1eblNtu0GrzQpyjANdR8Giyumcb7U3aaZKHkFndNcuis/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1eblNtu0GrzQpyjANdR8Giyumcb7U3aaZKHkFndNcuis/edit?usp=sharing)

My Critiques:

\[2043\]: [https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/labadu/2043\_lex\_chapter\_1\_revised/gloathk/?context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/labadu/2043_lex_chapter_1_revised/gloathk/?context=3)

\[1200\]: [https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/l7bwx1/1200\_intervention\_final/glcao65/?context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/l7bwx1/1200_intervention_final/glcao65/?context=3)

[2670] Black Lungs, Infected Mind