[475] Modern Outlaws

This is the opening scene of a story I have written. I'm only sharing a little bit because I would like specific detail in your critique, and for it to be brutally honest. Tell me what you really didn't like.

I know my writing is not that great, which is why I'm here.

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For a bit of context: it's a story about a group of con artists travelling across the states states running scams. The story starts off with one of them in a restaurant.

Story: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_bBV-f0VhitEM219nb9IMy_domxHP3BSjvC5GvWlF-A/edit?usp=sharing

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Critique: https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/lencwx/1911_jimmy_the_dead/gmijl5h?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3