Source
r/Fencesitter•
Alchemysecrets

I did a full 180. Now I want many kids

Introductions

This is going to be very Incoherent rambling..

I don’t know what to think. Anyone who knows me since I was a child, knows that I have always said I don’t want kids and I don’t want to be a mom. I’m not motherly. I don’t want to be a “Mombie”. I was active in the childfree sub for many years and I never liked kids, at all. I always had a lot of problems in being feminine or having female friends too, I felt like I was suppressing all those things in me.

My friend has a two year old, when she was a small baby I couldn’t care less.. Now that she’s two and started to talk I realized how much I like her and care for her. I started to see that my own dysfunctional small family history is still hurting me. I’d love to have a big family.

Im married to an older man. he has a daughter from his previous marriage. I realized that I envied their relationship and the bond they have. I want to experience that too, and I don’t think I’d be ok with the regret on my death bed if I never get to experience motherhood. His daughter told me that I’d be a great mom.

I stopped following the childfree subreddit. It felt like it was extremely hateful sometimes, even a childish place. I respect everyone who wants to be childfree or doesn’t, but that Reddit that seemed to have bunch of eternal child-adults projecting their own resentments into random people’s kids. I get it tho, I don’t like it either when there’s a crying baby in the airplane. Its a nightmare.

I want to have everything in life and I feel like society has been sending out this message that kids ruin woman’s career, that maybe so.. but I don’t think it’s completely true. You make your life what you want to be. I’d love to have a successful career and many kids, at least 2. I am an immigrant who moved to my current country alone, I’d love to have my own family here.

I also think biology might have something to do with it.. or most likely it has a major part. I’m in my later 20s and the shift has been so rapid and strong that I can’t explain it any other way. Anyway, I’ll see how my life goes. I don’t think there’s really a right time.. im also really worried about ruining my body, I know it’s childish. Thanks for anyone who was able to read all this rambling. I’m still kind of confused about all these feelings.

Posted Feb 8, 2021, 10:25 PM UTC

7032
thecatladykatie•

I have flip flopped back and forth a million times over whether I want kids or not. I am 33 now and for my entire 20s I was convinced if I didn't experience the bond of motherhood I would regret it but now that I am nearing my mid thirties I am realizing that need, that PULL, to have kids has dwindled significantly. I am not saying this is what will or even could happen to you but if you went from one extreme to the other I would really analyze why it happened. Babies are not always sunshine and rainbows and there are a lot of hard times that happen from conception to that cute two year old stage (which you probably only caught the best part of).

Being a parent is most likely one of the most fulfilling roles on this earth but I would really REALLY take a hard look at the hardships that come with it.

I am the youngest of 7, so I have had my experience with a big family and a ton of experience with kids (15+ nieces and nephews plus I was a nanny for 4 years) so I am not blind to the joy and happiness kids bring but they are also a lot of heartache, exhaustion, and work.

54
AlchemysecretsOP•

Thanks for bringing another perspective. I absolutely will think about this at least few years and if I flip flop back to no kids, then so be it. I really have take all things into consideration

11
AzureMagelet•

Wow, I’m also 33 and through out my entire 20’s was sure that I would have children and probably more than 1. In the past year or two, that wish/need has dwindled extremely. I’m loving life without kids. I love kids. I have two niblings I dote on. I’m a teacher. But knowing all of the hardships and inconveniences that come with having my own kids, I feel pretty comfortable not having children. Quite frankly if the me from 5 years ago heard she would never believe it.

It’s nice to see someone who travelled a similar path. I feel like most people go the other way, not wanting kids to wanting kids.

11
[deleted]•

[deleted]

3
AzureMagelet•

We’re in California also and we also have two cats! I definitely remember imagining my future life with kids, making lunches and going to soccer practice. Now I imagine lazy weekends with my husband and cats. Being able to go to Disneyland without kids. Being able to go out whenever I want (in normal times) and not worrying about if someone can take the kids.

3
FFiFioFionFionn•

I have also flip flopped a ton! I was the opposite though. Spent all my 20's wanting kids but wanting to wait until we were more financially stable. In my early 30's, I finally declared I was ready, but when the time came to actually start trying, I found myself terrified. I was (and am) scared of the time, commitment, and responsibility of bringing life into the world.

My Mom actually gave me some good advice this weekend. She said that the only reason you should have kids is if you want them so badly, you can't stand it. You love them and miss them and can't wait to meet them. She said that feeling is everything. Because there will be days when you're covered in poop, and hungry and exhausted and overwhelmed... but you do it because you know deep down, you couldn't imagine life without this kid.

She said this to me because I am personally coming to the realization that I love my life just the way it is. It doesn't feel like anything is missing for me. And if I really...REALLY wanted kids, I would have found a way to make it happen sooner. But I've come up with excuse after excuse to not do it. And she said realizing parenting is not for you is perfectly okay too!

If you're feeling that pull to have and love a child, listen to it! If it's not there, take note of that.

Best of luck to you, friend. I know you'll be okay no matter what you choose! =)

28
AlchemysecretsOP•

Thank you so much. I’ll take your advice to heart. I am gonna give myself a few years to think about this and see if I flip flop back

3
Quiet_Discipline_23•

I love your mom’s advice!! So helpful!!

2
agree-with-you•

I love you both

1
Ray_adverb12•

I totally hear you. I’m not married yet (but have a long term partner) and you articulated two things I can totally relate to - the “wanting everything in life” and “later 20’s”. It’s like when I turned 29 a switch went off. I obviously haven’t made up my mind - hence being on this sub - but I suddenly was like, I want this. I want to do this crazy, risky, potentially rewarding, definitely scary but fulfilling thing. I don’t have a career I care about and am entering a new career path that is unlikely to pay much. I’m not very career oriented anyway, so that’s never really been a concern for me.

I brought it up tentatively with my partner and it definitely came as a shock, but as we continue to talk, we’re both definitely right on the fence. I wouldn’t feel like a failure or my life wasn’t fulfilling without a child, but it is something I want to experience.

It’s hard because right now, we’re both very much in Big City Living. Bartenders, drinking cider and smoking and watching Better Call Saul all day, sleeping till when we want and living in a tiny apartment in a major city, and we’re both in school. So a lot would have to change in the next 5 years - but I’m starting to realize I want those changes.

Obviously I’m not 150% sure yet, because of the financial difficulties and scary outcomes (serious physical disabilities, lifelong drug addiction, shitty relationship, moving across the world and never speaking to them, death, regret, etc). But OP, I really appreciate your post. I’m honestly leaning towards wanting to be a mother.

11
AlchemysecretsOP•

Thank you. I’m so glad my post resonated with you, I think these feelings are quite common in our age. For me finances are not a big issue but my career has been on hold due to moving to a new country and then covid. So I’m feeling a huge pressure about that. My friend who has the two year old kid kept her career going and just recently got promoted. I think women can have both, kids and a career.

I agree with you though, I want to experience the scary fulfilling thing too. I heard someone saying it’s the best relationship you’ll ever have.. I don’t know about that but it’s a nice thought. Sacrifices usually pay off in one way or the other

1
leldridge1089•

Social media seems to show this modern parenting ideal that your kids have to consume you in order to be a good parent. Especially moms. The whole my kids never go to a sitter and I'm up to my eyeballs in pinterest projects all around kids. It is an absolute lie. The best parents I know are well rounded humans. They still get nights off and their children aren't the absolute center of their universe.

You can be a parent and a person.

I have a 9 year old and am pregnant now with #2. I have hobbies and my own life and my kid has only enhanced my life.

6
AlchemysecretsOP•

Thank you. This is encouraging. I absolutely agree with you that it’s a lie. Especially now that I’ve seen how my friend handles motherhood, she’s still the same person, “dresses up”, has her hobbies and even got promoted recently.

1
zestytwirls•

Totally not childish to be worried about damage to your body. Letting you know you're not alone there!!

5
AlchemysecretsOP•

Thank you, it’s a scary thought especially to us normies. Celebs can just use all the money in plastic surgery

2
zestytwirls•

YES it is true apex of my hesitation on pregnancy, right up there next to actual health consequences that are semipermanent/forever.

2
Vegetable_Nail237•

I'm just here to validate and say your confusion is perfectly normal. Good luck with your future plans, whatever they may be!

4
[deleted]•

OP: Never thought I'd marry, never thought I've have kids. Married at age 35; kid at 40.

Both have been an enormous blessing and revelation. But yes, it's work! lol

4
Ray_adverb12•

Would you mind sharing more about your experience as an “older” mom? What do you think we’re the hardest adjustments, other than sleep?

2
[deleted]•

I'm a man, baby. But my wife was about 30/31 when we married; child at 35. "High risk."

Our economy itself seems to work against family. Think of peak fertility years, male and female, and look where we are.

1
Ray_adverb12•

Oh my god I’m sorry, that’s embarrassing. But it does make much more sense!

1
[deleted]•

Meh. I'm just trying to understand things here, especially how people in their teens and twenties view family, marriage, kids.

1
AlchemysecretsOP•

I’m glad to hear that!

1
monkeyfeets•

Oh yeah, this was me until my late 20's. I was adamantly no kids, anyone would tell you I hated kids and didn't want anything to do with them. Then something flipped (probably that damn biological clock) and I started ogling all the chubby-cheeked babies I saw in restaurants. For better or worse, I am someone who doesn't waffle much and just goes full steam ahead when I'm pulled in any one direction, so I ended up getting pregnant IMMEDIATELY. Now I have 2 (and do NOT want anymore), and I love it. But it IS a lot of work and I totally realize that it could have gone the other way (where someone decides it's not for them).

I think part of it was that at first, I really bought into the mombie thing (like you) and did NOT want to become like that. But as I got older, I saw more women I admired at work with kids - even if they didn't "have it all," they gave me a completely different perspective on motherhood and how women can be mothers and still maintain their own identities, hobbies, careers, etc. And that become a much more appealing alternative than the black and white choice I had seen of ambitious-career-woman OR mombie-who-has-given-up-her-own-life.

4
AlchemysecretsOP•

I feel like we’re the same person haha. That’s exactly how I see the career thing. You make your life what you want it to be and don’t let the kids to be an excuse to lose yourself and your interests, even if they’re a lot of work. Thanks for this

1
monkeyfeets•

Oh and I saw your comment about being worried about your body. I totally felt that too. It’s all genetics so your mom might be a good indicator of how your body might change or bounce back (or not!). It’s taken some time but I’m definitely in the best shape of my life at 37 than I was pre-babies.

2
[deleted]•

I don't know if it's biology-driven, it would make more sense to have that urge in your early 20s rather than late 20s or early 30s like most people do.

4
losingmystuffing•

Good for you for acknowledging and investigating these new feelings! Humans are not static and what we value and want shifts over time. I was on the fence for my entire 20s, but got a lot of clarity in my early 30s and am glad I decided to make the leap and have kids. My life isn’t perfect, but following your heart rarely leads you astray. The good news is you are still young and so can take a little time to explore why you’ve had the change of heart before you go for it... or just go for it! Good luck.

2
Sinister_Purpose•

The childfree subreddit definitely leans toxic. For a more supportive and nuanced perspective you could try r/truechildfree

2
quantumtoad•

Same. I never wanted kids growing up but now I'm dying to have one. The switch has been insane. Also late 20s. I'm worried I may have missed my chance to have one, but I'm hoping I can.

-1†
Ray_adverb12•

Why would you have missed your chance? Many women have kids in their late 30’s-early 40’s.

7
quantumtoad•

Financial instability. I won't graduate with my undergrad until I'm 29. I may not be able to secure a job after I graduate, so I may have to get a masters. I am likely not going to be able to keep a partner during all of this. I'm chosing education over having kids. So I truly may have missed my chance but I dont regret it. My life before I went back to school was miserable and I would have never wanted to put that on a kid.

2
AlchemysecretsOP•

My sisters friend gave birth to her two daughters in late 30s. It’s not too late!

2