It doesn’t at all interfere with my perception of it, in fact, I think I prefer it more. Great choice to add that!

Thank you, your response is very thoughtful and uplifting. Super small question, but I added the word "look" before "down" in the last line, because I realized it was missing a syllable needed for it to be a sonnet. Do you think that it interferes at all with your perception of the poem?

Looking through this thread and the advice given, I really really like how you revised this, especially the ending. The change in perspective really does include the reader more. The original was already relatable to me, but this version is is even more so. The revised ending is also fantastic, and a great shift from the pessimism of the first if that wasn’t what you were trying to achieve. “You have the chance to look through, or down” is amazing, giving the choice of pessimism or persistence. Again, loved it!

I think the ending sort of does that by saying "your head is in the clouds" it brings it back round to the reader and considering their own perspective on the poem and how it affects/ relates to them. I'm not sure how this would sound in other sections of the poem

Thank you. That is an interesting take on the difference of perspective. I will really consider that. Would you think it would be absurd to begin and divide the poem in sections that are directed at "you", separated by sections in which  the speaker predicts your thoughts on the subject and uses  "I"s as if they were mimicking you? Does that make any sense?

I can't believe you've expressed this so well I can really relate to every word in this poem, it flows really nicely. I think I personally prefer the original, because I can read it and feel that it's me expressing those feelings which are difficult to put into words

I doubt anybody will respond to this, but I tried revising the poem by taking the advice from this thread. I would love to know what somebody thinks about this revised version.

&#x200B;

Not knowing, having no experience.

That is how you might see yourself. Blinking,

blankly staring in indifference. 

Having lived little, without much thinking.

&#x200B;

And as an adult who asks the questions

that are asked by children during high school,

Who doesn't hit milestones or learn lessons.

Yes, as a blank-staring, blank-slated fool.

&#x200B;

For all your years you've been incubated,

and only now are you starting to see

some of the ways you’ll be inundated    

if you fly from the nest accordingly.

&#x200B;

But you realize your head is in the clouds.

You have the chance to look through, or look down.

Thank you again. I think I might make the ending more ambiguous by turning it into some type of question.

Of course! And it guess it doesn’t have to be purely melodramatic or optimistic - life is often confusing and very rarely seems like it’s only going to get better or worse. We all probably have our best AND worst days ahead of us. 

Great great great emotion here though.

Thank you tremendously for your feedback. The ending *is* probably too pessimistic . . . I  meant it as how difficult it will be to face reality (to get your head down and out of the clouds) and to grow up now that the realization is there. But I did also have in mind the idea of life getting worse, and that's probably not strictly true. I think I will revise it in someway. I think it makes the poem melodramatic.

I also think you gave me an extremely useful piece of advice that I will try to use forever: you're right, using "I"  excludes the reader. I want my poems to be extremely personal and to show introspection or retrospection, but that doesn't mean that I have to isolate the reader. They should still be able to feel these thoughts if I express them well enough, but using only "I" only takes away from that. Thank you.

The only way is not down! The entire time I’m reading this I’m thinking “alright, this is a great moment in their life - realizing you’re ignorant often means you’ve 1) been making progress and 2) are self aware to not be self absorbed. Chin up! 

As for the poem - this is a very personal poem, but I’d cut out a few of the I’s. I (me personally) want to feel myself in the poem, and to many I’s remind me that you wrote it. 

excited to read more.

Thank you, you were especially right about the shift in language. It did feel off, and your observation of that really helped me understand why it felt like there was something missing in the ending.

I really enjoyed this poem, and this is a feeling I can relate to as well! I agree that the tone is a bit pessimistic, and it might help to put a positive spin on this feeling at the end. I also thought that your use of the phrase "it sucks" strayed a bit from the more formal language in the rest of the poem and made the ending feel less satisfying. Great job overall!

Thank you for your kind comment. It is existential dread of unknowingness, about the world and yourself. And you feel like an idiot most of the time too, but sometimes it's exciting as hell to realize that you are discovering yourself, albeit at a snail's pace. I seriously am just getting into writing, and I hope it becomes something I can identify myself with. That is exactly what I need. I understand that I will never have it figured out, but again, that is both a bad thing to think of and an exciting thing at the same time.

I feel like my nineteen year old self reading this. I relate heavily to this existential dread of unknowingness. If I can say anything, it would be that you really do have your whole life to live. There is no timeline, and that's something I forget often. The pressure to succeed or have it "figured out," that is in just about everyone. And nobody has it figured out. I've had 60 year old's laugh when I say, "I'm figuring it out" and they reply with, "Let me know when you do." You adapt. You find ways to make it work. You find the things that bring you joy. You find ways to cope, hopefully healthy ways. You will find yourself in all these findings. Everyday is a new experience. Every person you meet carries the world inside them. Ask people about their lives. Facts are interesting, stories are soulful. A friend once told me, "every moment is a new day." And I think about that often. Not every moment feels like a new day, especially if you don't allow yourself to feel it. Greet every new 

Not knowing, having no experience.

That is the way I see myself. Blinking,

blankly staring in indifference. 

I’ve lived little and without much thinking.

&amp;#x200B;

I am an adult who asks the questions

that are asked by children during high school.

Yet I don’t hit milestones or learn lessons.

I am a blank-staring, blank-slated fool.

&amp;#x200B;

For nineteen years I’ve been incubated,

and only now am I starting to see

some of the ways I’ll be inundated    

if I fly from the nest accordingly.

&amp;#x200B;

It sucks to realize your head’s in the clouds,

it sucks to realize the only way’s down.

&amp;#x200B;

Feedback:

[https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/lqow1k/online\_school/gohn8no?utm\_source=share&amp;utm\_medium=web2x&amp;context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/lqow1k/online_school/gohn8no?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3)

[https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/lqndha/overgrowth/gohkox7?utm\_source=share&amp;utm\_medium=web2x&amp;context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/lqndha/overgrowth/gohkox7?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3)

Not Knowing