Source
r/OCPoetry•
[deleted]

Left unsaid

Hugging cold evenings,

Gazing setting suns,

when I find myself wrapped in solitude

I think of you

​

That day, in the gleaming summer sunlight

I knew, when I looked at you,

That eras could pass and eternities could end,

and I wouldn't have looked away

​

Something so beautiful, it's said not in words,

but in dew-covered moonlit nights,

and in the melancholy of unsaid goodbyes

​

I wish I knew you, so I wouldn't have to doubt,

whether you were as true as I felt you to be,

and not a broken mirror,

in which I saw only what was me

​

I wish there was a hill, bathed in the golden sun and the songs of a stream,

where I'd sit, with grass under my hand,

and you

​

There, I'd have sat, under the infinite sky,

talking, smiling, laughing,

hearing nothing else but the sound of your voice,

me, you,

and all the joy in the world

​

In solemn days, in silent nights,

I'll think of a lifetime, where you weren't just far enough

And I'd wonder about everything,

that I left unsaid.

​

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Posted Mar 13, 2021, 4:49 PM UTC · edited

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[deleted]•

Thanks a lot! I appreciate you taking out the time to write this.

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Ok_Resource9404•

It speaks to the reality that consumes us when we are alone and mindful, trying to avoid regret. I don’t think it’s sad, it’s a realisation of a opportunity and a profound belief in a person who is privileged enough to be the object of your desire. When we believe in others, we mirror our own need to believe in ourselves. Such experiences should be coveted. I think if your meter was a bit more consistent through the poem, you could establish a cadence that rather lends the prose to something like a heartbeat. Good luck!

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kiltedweirdo•

unless you see the irregular heartbeat is already has. troubled by the past.

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Ok_Resource9404•

We are all troubled by the past - bad stuff sticks like Velcro. But the good stuff doesn’t stick as well- like Teflon.

Perspective and heart medications can help.

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kiltedweirdo•

so can kindness, its what helped me. i looked back at my childhood. at what could make me feel like i actually mattered. it was when kindness between strangers occurred. i've been chasing it every since. i love your use of teflon there btw.

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Ok_Resource9404•

Yes, kindness makes the heart grow...stronger

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[deleted]•

Appreciate the feedback, and I really like your interpretation of the poem. Thanks for the kind words!

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BugsyOP•

I really enjoyed this read. the line:

"I wish I knew you, so I wouldn't have to doubt,

whether you were as true as I felt you to be,

and not a broken mirror,

in which I saw only what was me "

I took as, only seeing the parts of someone that you wanted to know, instead of knowing them as an individual person. Whether intention or not, I think this line was beautiful. Thank you for sharing!

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[deleted]•

Yeah you are right, this was the intention behind this stanza, thank you!

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jpBehler•

Astonishing use of language, pristine as it can get, simply beautiful to read such metaphorical statements these: "something so beautiful it's said not in words, but in dew covered moonlight nights and in the melancholy of unsaid goodbyes". My only critique is that it would hurt to make it rhyme. Cheers!

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[deleted]•

Honestly, I am a newbie and I think I still have to develop the sense of rhyme and meter. I'll definitely work to improve in this direction. Thanks for your critique!

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jpBehler•

There's potential in that, keep on with the good work!

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[deleted]•

[removed]

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[deleted]•

Thanks for the heart!

Or maybe you were saying that the poem is less than a 3, lol

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kiltedweirdo•

the hopeful turned to somber tones is a brilliant roller coaster. the way you capture the longing for a different past is breathtaking.

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[deleted]•

Glad you liked it, thanks a lot!

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[deleted]

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[deleted]•

I'll take that thank you and give it right back. It's good to know that the last line has the impact I wanted it to have.

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lays9•

I am so glad I discovered this one! I agree with the other comment, the stanza

I wish I knew you, so I wouldn't have to doubt,

whether you were as true as I felt you to be,

and not a broken mirror,

in which I saw only what was me

is the best one, it makes me enjoy the poem a lot more because before that stanza you're not saying anything new, it's just another love poem (no offense to love poems). I like how you dive into the complexities of discovering someone.

I think this stanza could be improved, I feel the rhythm doesn't quite fit with the rest:

I wish there was a hill, bathed in the golden sun and the songs of a stream,

where I'd sit, with grass under my hand,

and you

Similarly, I think the verse

me, you,

in the sixth stanza breaks the rhythm and I would remove it.

​

That said I really enjoyed the poem overall and the feelings you're trying to transmit.

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[deleted]•

The rhythm of the poem, I feel, is a reoccurring critique, and i think it is because I deliberately tried to keep the rhythm a bit inconsistent to give the stanzas a raw, unadulterated feel. But I do realize that might have not been the best thing to do.

I'll keep your critique in mind when writing future works, because I really feel this is a direction I should improve in. Thanks a lot!

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Daeyarn•

Actually brought a tear to my eye man, i like this a lot

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[deleted]•

Damn, thanks man. I don't think there's a higher compliment a poem can get.

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