Source
r/OCPoetry•
west1974

"the beach"

walking back from the beach

tired of the salt and sun and sand

​

my head is hazy and thick

heat rises off of everything

and warps the afternoon air

​

the room is dark and cool

wet shorts stick to my body

the grit washes off

and circles the shower drain

​

i lay naked

on top of the covers

the ceiling fan feels clean and cold

on my red shoulders

​

in the milky midland

equidistant

between awake and asleep

waves in my head

green water in my nose

swimming deep

past the light

​

i feel formless

inert

yet still somehow heavy

like a cloud

made of cement

​

eyes closed

i can see

you

waist deep

in the blue water

facing out across the softly churning ocean

the pauseless push and pull

of the ancient current

flows around your hips and

through your parted fingertips

neither taking

nor releasing

​

​

​

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/ma3kue/a_naturecity_haiku/grtu836?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/mag5uo/how_to_deal_with_an_existential_crisis/grttu9w?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3

Posted Mar 22, 2021, 6:58 PM UTC

38
BriRhymes•

I really like what you've done with the first lines of second and third stanzas, with the bridging (???) adjectives. That is 'thick' describes 'head' and 'heat', and cool 'room' and 'shorts'. 'Cloud made of cement' is also a great line.

More generally, the way the stanzas lengthen as the narrator enters the dream state is a nice way to draw this implicit comparison between a mundane waking world and the richer realm of sleep. Maybe you could stress this more by keeping a uniform meter and line count in the first four stanzas.

2
west1974OP•

Thanks for the input, I may try and rewrite it to see what that looks like.

1
LuigiBonnafini•

Very descriptive, in the last stanza I could feel the water.

2
Low-Tie-9668•

Hey, I think this was really good. The poem had such a nice flow to it, and you’re so descriptive without being wordy, it really felt like I was there having a day dream with you, after a “day at the beach”. I really don’t think I have any criticism, it reads well to me. I even like that you only describe the subject of the daydream as “you”, I think that makes you’re already relatable poem, even more relatable, allowing the reader to put their own meaning to “you”.

2
west1974OP•

thanks a lot for reading it. i was trying to set a vague sort of gauzy sleepy tone.

1
primrosecoffee•

You used great word choice to create vivid imagery. I can really put myself in the situation, and the poem is universally relatable. I like how it fades into a feeling like the person is dozing off to sleep. Well done!

2
bringat0wel•

I love this, the first half made me feel like I stepped into every air conditioned hotel room after the heavy, happy, sleepiness of a hot day at the beach. The second half felt different, like a new story but still so well written. I feel like there is a connection there between the person you dream of and that first stanza that could be stronger. But you write beautifully.

2
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1