Source
r/SingleDads•
eduwhat

New single parent, what are my shortcomings ?

My wife passed away unexpectedly 2 weeks ago. My 2.5 yr old son and myself are in therapy for it. I'm wondering now what my shortcomings as a Dad would be. I show my son a lot of physical affection, dedicated play time, take care of everything. Am I missing something unique that women provide ? I'm starting to worry that women can provide something men can't and am wondering if I should start looking for a female partner, so my son dosent grow up without any deficiencies if that's the closes word I can find. I want the best for him.

Posted May 15, 2021, 6:03 PM UTC

1827
Jesusisajedi•

You’re doing great. Keep it up.

15
eduwhatOP•

All I can do is my best. Cheers

2
JimEasy•

I wouldn’t pursue a relationship at this point, it’ll find you eventually. Your wife just passed. I understand you want the best for your son. If you think a woman’s mind might help with things maybe look at a live-in nanny. You won’t get far looking for a relationship as though you’re doing job interviews for a new mom.

Also, there are plenty of gay couples raising perfectly healthy children... and that’s two guys.

Try to not place too much emphasis on shortcomings related entirely to gender. IMO for the most part they aren’t there - as long as you’re a good dad, and a good person first-and-foremost.

9
Commercial_Win5721•

I agree with this comment so much! I wish I had my own advice to give. My heart is with you as a parent. When you are ready to add someone into the picture my only advice would be: Don’t settle in just anyone💥

3
eduwhatOP•

Yeah I guess now would be the wrong time as you pointed id focus more on "hiring" a mom vs finding a partner for myself.

2
artrandenthi1•

I’m so sorry for your loss. You and your kid are in a vulnerable place right now. As this commentator eloquently explained, focus on yourself and your kid and do the best you can.

Yes, we men can’t replace motherly love especially at at that age, but we can provide love and that is very important for kids. And it’s not easy to replace motherly love with you trying to find someone.

3
JimEasy•

If you’re really that concerned - go with what they want. I grew out my hair as a covid thing. Then my daughter wanted to pick my Halloween costume, went in werewolf drag. She wants to do my nail polish on toes - sure, let’s do it! Don’t assume you can’t do what you assume they’re going to be missing without a mom.

If you haven’t learn to braid - even friendship bracelets - the skills transfer and are worth learning.

2
werdsmart•

I would suggest you post this in r/widowers Although you will get some solid answers here, that group will have more direct experience they can share and support you under these unique circumstances.

7
eduwhatOP•

Will do thanks

1
TETHTONE•

Hey full time single dad here to a 14 year old boy. You lack nothing and your son will do great. There are study’s out there re single (full time) fatherhood and if the father is attentive, kids don’t suffer. It’s single mother’s who have a negative impact on children.

7
eduwhatOP•

Interesting. Part of my worry was that single mothers with boys, show high incarceration rates. Based on what I.came.across anyway. Thanks for that

1
KaleidoscopeThen6454•

You’re always more then enough. Don’t go looking for a female partner to help aid him. If it happens naturally so be it. The best thing is to show him not tell him Dad is willing to do anything for him. As long as you show him love and strength you will always be enough on your own. Yes he will miss out on his mother’s love but you can tell him stories, tell him Mommy would be proud of him. Trust me though you by yourself is enough. Sometimes woman come in and you start paying more attention to that girl then that could be damaging.

3
spydahman•

I am very sorry for the loss in your family. If you want the best for your son, you will be able to provide just that.

3
_GroundControl_•

As a "former" single father I can tell you that it WILL be hard BUT you'll get it, dude. Seriously. It may be tough at times or all the time but give affection, try different things and you'll learn from there. Your son will come to understand the amount of everything you've given and love you for everything you've done and everything you're currently doing. Some days are shiy. Some days aren't. You'll struggle with who are as a Dad some days but also be proud of yourself on other days. Remember, its okay to be proud if yourself. Its alsonokay to feel like you're failing some days because its those days that help you grow as a single parent. Talk to family, friends, online groups, local groups, etc. Use any number of those for support. YOU GOT THIS.

3
EnglishmaninNJ•

Sir, please let me begin by offering my sincerest condolences. You and your son are taking the first steps on a difficult journey, but even in this time of grief you are reaching out for support, and by doing so making sure you're doing right by him.

It's going to be a long time before things will be "normal" again. Stay in contact with friends and family. Your son will need you, but if you don't look after yourself, you can't look after him.

As someone who is looking after an 8 year old solo, all we can do is our best. You are strong, do your best, play to your strengths, and be present.

3
[deleted]•

[deleted]

3
CrochetMama13•

Are there any women in your family that can help with teenage things when she gets to that point. I will tell you, as a woman... my Mom messed me up. Plenty of friends and parents of friends were there for me and I have about 6 "extra Moms" that span over 2 states. I was always a Daddy's girl. I promise, your daughter will be fine. Men can mother even better than women sometimes. Just the fact that you're actively thinking about it and worried about it means you're a great Dad and your little ones will be just fine. I'm very sorry for your loss.

2
eduwhatOP•

I have a son, but thanks for your advice. I do have female close relatives.

2
slab3•

Stay strong buddy may God bless you and your son!

Remember all hard times will pass.

2
Ambitious-Cheetah-36•

Dang man, sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine. I really can’t. That said, be you be dad. Teach him how to be a great man, respect women, etc. I think growing up something that could get missed it the nurturing, kissing booboos, probing into silence and emotion. Some times we as dudes are just too comfortable with silence. Engage and pursue.

The other thing I think of is just typical woman environment. Moods, reactions, thoughts....to the presence of tampons and periods, smelly shampoo, etc. I had a mom/ sisters so this was normal, but I can see how that might become foreign. Just make it normal and keep the lines of communication open. I realize he is 2.5yo so this is a long ways out but yeh.

Again so sorry for both your losses.

2
MentalDrummer•

Firstly, I am sorry for your loss!

The fact you are questioning yourself means you are doing a great job. It's not easy. I wouldnt rush into anything right now but keep doing therapy and focusing on you and your child. The partner will come later on and there's no time limit in processing what you guys have been through.

1
deadliftForFun•

Similar situation a bit further down the road feel free to reach out

1
Mundane_Hamster6066•

I'm a single dad of 3 and my wife suddenly passed 8 months ago. I don't think you should look at is as if you have any shortcomings. If anything I would just say be more affectionate than normal. Do your best, be open and honest, and if you do that, your kids will be great. ✊

1
dogs94•

It's not so much that he needs to learn things that only a woman can teach. What would be helpful is to see his father having a relationship with another person. That's his example when he's a young man in 15-20 years and has to do the same.

1
eduwhatOP•

Good point. Also something my wife stressed

1
dogs94•

Yeah.....how to function with another human is probably the biggest gift we can give our children. Way more important than most of the other things parents pat themselves on the back for.

Do give it a bit of time though. Imagine what you'd say to your sister if she told you she'd met a really nice guy whose wife had passed 2-3 weeks ago and he'd asked her out? You don't need to wait a year or anything, but 2-3 weeks is probably a bit soon. You also don' want to run the risk of your son just clamping onto someone.

Also, be a little thoughtful with those first few dates. I mean, I remember it well after my divorce. That lady who asked "Have you been separated long? Have you dated much?" and I said, "You'll be the first. A couple months. Wanna meet for dinner?" and she said "Sounds good!" I mean, bless that woman's heart. She belongs in heaven with all the dogs. In hindsight, you almost wonder if she was doing it as a "good deed" to help a guy knock some rust off.

So, think of that. But.....also keep in mind that those first couple of women ain't gonna be relationships. Treat them respectfully and pay for dinner. Use the situation to knock off some rust: how to dress, how to speak to a woman without stammering, how to walk into a restaurant to meet someone without looking like you have nervous diarrhea. So, if you think there are a few women you know who might be possible relationships? Save them for your 6th or 7th date. :)

1
eduwhatOP•

Great pointers. Would be very rusty indeed.

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