Riding on Empty
[deleted]
Posted May 22, 2021, 10:08 PM UTC
[deleted]
Posted May 22, 2021, 10:08 PM UTC
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This has a nice breezy flow and contains interesting hints. But the material is thin.
I'm not sure you need to expand it as suggested in another comment - that would make it into a different poem and lose what's good about this one. Maybe just needs another stanza in similar flow but signalling the metaphor more strongly. The challenge is not to let that part of it get overblown.
Good stuff though - writing a poem is hard, keep going.
[deleted]
you've got a good basis here - there's friction, and awkwardness, and regret that imbue the text with drama. i would love to see a draft that fleshes these ideas out and shows them even more, something like this for example:
just an illustration, but i think you know what i mean? make me feel the awkwardness of asking the ex and the bike shop bros so that when i read "even this i did rarely," it all makes sense to me.
[deleted]
ah, yeah, sure. i live and write those myself lol. i thought it could symbolize relationships or even self-defeating patterns in general.