[332] A fight scene
This is nothing but a fight scene. Short and simple. It comes at the end of chapter 7 in my WIP. The setting is already established, the characters are fleshed out, so please don't tell me I need to develop those aspects of the scene in your critique.
Background: Earlier in the story, the MC made the mistake of pissing off the wrong person (Rocco). This scene is the result of that lapse in judgement. Other info: MC is exhausted from the events leading up to this scene, but he's highly trained, former special ops, so he can still function.
EDITED TO ADD: In order for this to work, he obviously needs to be impaired significantly, so I kept him awake for thirty six hours without food and had him dig a grave for the last 3 hours leading up to this scene.
The result of this fight sets the stage for the rest of the story, so I want to make it as engaging and realistic as possible (not epic or heroic, just engaging). As is, it just feels...meh. I've watched a ton of fights and read countless "how to's" on writing fight scenes, but I can't seem to translate it to paper.
What I'm looking for in a critique:
- Do you understand what's happening in the scene? Are the movements clear? Can you tell who's doing the moving?
- Is it realistic? Does the MC seem like he knows what he's doing, or does it read like the author has no freaking clue how to write a fight scene?
- Is it too dull? Too long, too short?
- Advice on how to make it better is much appreciated.
Thanks in advance!
Scene [332] https://docs.google.com/document/d/15Hr43uUsif7-biZVHvhft7FjVo2zsdF9eKfd3m71qIU/edit?usp=sharing
Critique [568] https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/nmnv8c/568_the_otherbody/gzrmiah?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
Posted May 28, 2021, 5:00 PM UTC · edited
Yes, I can understand where all the characters are in relation to each other and who is doing what.
When I think of spec ops, the first thing I think is situational awareness. That shit is drilled into them as a (literal) matter of life and death. You say your MC is exhausted, but is he exhausted (or out of practice?) enough that he wouldn't notice another dude sneaking up on him? Is he somewhere that is especially sneakycreep friendly? You say that the two-by-four hit the frozen dirt after flying out of Sneaky's hands. So presumably they're outside. Are they outside in a place that provides a lot of cover? Because if they're in a field or in the woods or something then I don't buy anything about the second half of this scene.
Also, speaking of Sneaky, why is a two-by-four his weapon of choice? Is that like his signature thing? Or are they fighting behind the local Home Depot?
This dude's ribs are straight up broken at this point.
If this physical encounter is supposed to 'set the stage' by putting him on a roaring rampage of revenge because Sneaky beat him up, that'd be a big nope from me.
This is a loooooonnnnnngggggggg sentence in the context of a fight scene. Fights happen quickquickquick. Try one, two MAX, actions per sentence in the least amount of words necessary.
Like this. This is good.
Extra nit-picky things;
This makes me think of one of those anime scenes where one guy is running in from like 50 feet away with his fist up the whole time.
Yeah no shit. Punches do that.
I actually like this. My veteran husband says to go for elbows instead of fists when you're in close, but it's something I hardly ever see in fight scenes.
How?
Overly explain-y IMO.
The only thing behind him right now is the ground. Unless they have him on his belly? You should probably specify which way they pin him.
Thank you!! This was amazing feedback. Exactly what I'm looking for. I have a few follow up questions, if you don't mind.
On point 2. I'm glad you mentioned this. The situational awareness was the main problem I was having when trying to come up with a plausible way to incapacitate this guy. I needed him impaired, so I kept him awake for thirty six hours without food and had him dig a grave for the last 3 hours leading up to this scene. I figured that might be enough to knock this guy off his game a bit, but you're right--not noticing the sneaky person still seems unrealistic. Do you have any suggestions?
The two-by-four: the scene is set in front of an abandoned farmhouse and I was trying to think of a weapon that would be easily accessible and cause broken ribs and a concussion. Any better weapon ideas?
Your anime comment made me laugh out loud. Thanks, I'll take that out.
Thank you again. I have a lot of work to do!
Farmhouse is a cool location. That gives you a ton of options for things to hide behind as well as things to hit someone with.
Depending upon how recently this farmhouse was used for farming, it might have things like sheds, barns, animal enclosures, or large pieces of farming equipment that broke down and were never removed. If it's been used more for residential purposes, you still might have things like garages, vehicles, neighbor's houses, as well as the farmhouse itself. If your guys are fighting near anything big enough to hide in or behind, that solves your problem.
Keeping someone awake & physical exhaustion would definitely throw them off. But IMO not enough that they wouldn't see someone coming from more than a few feet away. But his awareness doesn't mean jack shit if Sneaky actually has something to hide behind until he gets relatively close.
2x4 would definitely do the job, and a farmhouse would probably have some laying around. Did your MC have a shovel to dig that grave? That'd hurt like a bitch to get hit with and definitely break some ribs. You have almost unlimited options when you set your stage. I live in an area with a lot of older farms and farmhouses and I can tell you that a lot of them are absolutely littered with stuff. Shit accumulates over the years on a farm, and a lot of it is just junk that people don't bother to clean out when the owner dies/leaves.
Quick note on the grave digging+your frozen ground; sorry if this is nit-picky. If both of those things are not essential to your plot, but I'd suggest going with one or the other. Digging in actually frozen dirt is almost impossible, even with equipment. Where I live the ground freezes in winter and we don't even bury dead people until spring.
I didn't notice any issues with grammar, spelling, or punctuation when I read through, so I'd say you have a pretty solid start.
Hey, sorry to bug you again. I made a bunch of edits and I'm hoping you'd be willing to give it a quick read again and let me know what you think. You've been so helpful and I'm grateful that you've spent even this much time helping!
Don't worry about bugging me. Critiquing is what we're all here for, and you're giving me a good excuse to procrastinate on the shit I'm supposed to be doing today.
I think this is a good way to acknowledge that he's off his game, but could be expanded a little more. Why are you ignoring that feeling, Mr. Badass? He's spec ops. He should know better, and being tired is not a good enough excuse. Give us a good reason to believe he's making shitty calls. We don't need a play-by-play of his thought process, but we need something.
If this isn't directly relevant information, I'd cut it. I know I said in my first critique that Sneaky needs to come from somewhere, but I think you're better off taking care of that in your staging, which you've done with the doorway. If you've given him someplace to hide, I don't care where he came from. Your MC doesn't care where he came from either, BECAUSE HE'S BUSY BEING HIT BY A BIG ASS PIECE OF WOOD.
I made a couple comments directly on your doc too. Overall, I like this draft a lot more. It does still feel like something's missing that I can't quite put my finger on, but that could just be because it's a small snippet from a larger scene. Please remember that this is all just the opinion of one asshole on the internet.