Complex partial temporal lobe seizure disorder can present with possible auditory components coupled with faulty memory (postictal amnesia and transient memory loss) could mimic signs of dementia like confusion and behavior. Without a grand mal component, someone might be more concerned about possible other lesions (eg meningioma or drug-use). 25 seems a bit old for epilepsy initial diagnosis, but is with the realm of neurological disorders. 

Microbial etiologies (encephalopathies) can cause really weird initial signs, but like creepier diagnoses like familial idiopathic insomnia or CJD, they tend to progress superfast. 

IDK. I thought it was going to be magic and MC seems totally uncommitted to the relationship if unwilling to entertain additional causes beyond *dementia.*

Thanks for the great advice! I've reworked a lot for clarity.

Disclaimer - I didn't read the prologue, let me know if there's anything obvious I'm missing

**Structure**

P1 - Good, but awkward phrasing. Never split verbs. Heres what I mean by that: your verb here is "decided to cast." When you split that phrase with "when she left her apartment" you make it more awkward for the reader. Instead, start or end with the "when." Because your first word is your MC, I'd recommend replacing the sentence with "Naomi decided to cast a familiar shield over her heart when she left her apartment." The sentence flows better that way.

P2 - Two long sentences. Nothing wrong with that, just an observation

P3 - "welded in her heart" is not the saying, "welled" is. You've got a minor case of r/BoneAppleTea here lol.

P4 - good promise to the reader. You switch the way you're writing here, though. In the last paragraph it was written in prose, here its written in thought-dialogue. Try to be consistent with this.

P5 - Good visual to open up. The last sentence get

Hi hi! Thanks for your advice. I've reworded a lot for clarity.

\- You've asked all the right questions of Naomi and picked up on all of the things I was hoping to tease about her characterization so yay!

\- I too have a family history of dementia so that line came from a personal place and does play a big theme in the overall story. But I'm thinking now the first 600 words isn't the place to drop it, and not so casually. It's a complicated experience to have and I think you're right that a reasonable person wouldn't be so caviler about having a thought like that. It also may be hard for folks without the exact experience I am pulling from to sympathize with Naomi after knowing this deep secret about her. She's an ice queen but she's not a monster.

\-Yes, right after this ends, Naomi opens the door and the break-up begins. I go back and forth on if there should be action sooner...I've hopefully reworded it so it has more intrigue to keep the reader going before the break-up.

I haven't read the prologue, but I took a skim and it seems like one of those ones where it wouldn't make sense until much later in the novella anyways, so I'm going to critique under the assumption that I'm reading this with zero prior context. Here we go:

**MECHANICS**

First, getting this out of the way: I am not impressed by the title. I don't hate it, but I definitely don't like it, either. It's not necessarily something I'd pick up off of a library shelf. It definitely connects to the "fantasy" part of the urbfan genre, but.....that's about it. As far as we've been allowed to read, nothing connects Naomi and Veronica's story to any beast (possibly magic, but nothing beastly about it so far).

Now onto the meat. There are a lot of weird turns of phrase and sentences that are just awkward to read. I'm going to get really, _really_ nitpicky in this section specifically, so take it all with a grain of salt.

> Fight emotionality with logic. Dramatics with calm.

Not wrong, per se, b

First I’ll start with the negatives and the positives... and please take anything I say with a grain of salt

The Negatives

The Story Overall
Overall the story was like a dull knife with a few knicks in the edge. I liked it don’t get me wrong it was an interesting world to enter, but I feel that there are a few things that could be polished and improved to make it a really great piece which I will mention.

Setting
Unless I wasn’t paying attention and just looking at the words and not taking anything in I couldn’t really discern a setting. If you want to keep the location hidden you could give slight references to where they could be then that would help a lot. Like, for instance if the character were at a store that was abandoned you could point out the cans laying on the floor and the isles in disrepair.

Story Arc
If the way the story is right now then keep it, it’s your story, but I suggest that you quicken up the pace of the story itself. I believe that the flow of the writing is

Thank you for such detailed feed back!

\-I've edited a lot for clarity and fixing the prose/voice tense issues. 

\-Unhoused person is actually what you would call someone who doesn't have a house where I am from.

**The Beast Called Magic**

Heyo, I read the prologue when you posted it a few days ago but didn’t have time for a critique, so here I am now. I split up my critique into sections based on the story (focused on the content), and the writing (focused on how the content is presented).

**Story (4/5)**

**Plot/Pacing (3/5)**

As is, you manage three hooks in 600 words. The shield placed on her heart, the breakup, and a young person developing dementia. A good amount especially considering some writers struggle to place one good hook in 2000 words. However, the pacing suffers from how short the piece is, as it feels there is zero action (aka nothing happens but thinking/walking). It’s an easy enough problem to fix since you’re building up to actually seeing Veronica. Once you write more, I’d keep in mind that you need some kind of action to keep the reader interested after the first 2-3 pages.

**Characters (4/5)**

We only have Naomi, but she feels relatable and is well written. The ways 

\[591\] The Beast Called Magic (opening)  
  
I decided to only review the first couple of paragraphs, because that's all I could stand.  
  
\> Naomi decided when she left her apartment to cast a familiar shield over her heart. Fight emotionality with logic. Dramatics with calm. No tears would break through if Naomi could help it. Veronica wouldn’t tantrum her way out of this.   
  
Anyone that says "fight emotionality with logic" probably doesn't need much magical help.  Also, what is "emotionality?" Is that even a word?  (don't look through my post history)  
Overall, though, I know what's going on, which is that Naomi has some magic shit that she can use to transform herself from an emotionless bitch to a slightly more emotionless bitch.  Also Veronica is some evil kid or something.  
Ok, I actually did some small amount of work and looked up emotionality, and it is a word that means the outward appearance of emotion.  I still think you could just say "emotion" here.  
Als

Hellllllllllo everyone. You commented and I answered and changed the crap out of the name ya'll didn't like. How does this one grab you?. This is the first opening of a urban fantasy novella. 

Posted the prologue a few days ago (i'll like it under my critiques if you wanna take a look), got some siiiiick nasty advice and so I'm back for a deep dive into its true opening. Anyway, this is the chapter opening trying to establish a voice, POV, objective and motivation/characterization for little ol' Naomi. It’s an early draft so as nitpicky as you can get ;)

[The Beast Called Magic (opening)]

[\[568\]](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/nmnv8c/568_the_otherbody/gzsqtma/?context=3)[\[and 22 words of this 2808 (to take it over the edge\]](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/nkf9xf/2808_lock_and_key_22/gzkrxde/?context=3)

[Prologue]for viewing pleasure only

[591] The Beast Called Magic (opening)