Source
r/OCPoetry•
TheUnco

Just Moon

Laila-Majnu, Romeo-Juliet, Orpheus-Eurydice,

Moon probably saw them all wane before he did,

In their realities, unmoved,

Betrothed as a timeless witness among the stars,

To them, their loves,

Only to see lovers’ misery,

​

In truth, not wanting it at all,

The blood to his name,

​

He still stands though, faithfully,

Immortalised, by nuances and clichés he didn’t want,

And even if he did,

He wouldn’t lilt,

Just for the sake of it, his purpose;

To revolve, and be, just Moon.

​

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Posted Jun 8, 2021, 3:28 PM UTC

14
softshadesofcream•

I thought it was beautiful. Great job with the imagery and how the lines were arranged. It was easy to follow through.

2
Rehnso•

This is a great step to an awesome poem. I like the idea that you're getting at. It reminds me of that childhood song - I see the moon, the moon sees me, under the shade of the old oak tree etc.

Here's a couple of points of feedback- I'd love to see this poem in a stricter metrical format. The subject matter is perfect for a sonnet or even a pastoral.

I'd also cut the list of doomed lovers and choose one couple to focus on for the poem, or one for each stanza, that way you could add some evocative imagery from each story and tie them together. References are great and evocative but lists are boring and not easy to make metrical.

Imagine something like-

Doubtless the moon listened enviously

As Romeo praised Juliet and the sun

Or maybe thought "why should it bother me?"

This pair is no different that that other one

Old Orpheus and Eurydice now THEY Were. . . Etc etc

2
TheUncoOP•

Hey, first of all thank you for taking the time read and comment on my piece! I really like your suggestion and will surely work on this piece to make it (probably&hopefully) a sonnet!

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