I died and became a vibration.

Last night, at Sea of Dreams in SF, I died and became a vibration. No really.

I been a psychonaut for years. I took L for the first time at 14, some 15 years ago, and have tripped regularly on just about everything since, many, many times puddling myself with 10+ his of L, but last night was by far the most intense, positive psychedelic experience I have ever had.

Ego death? Guess so..

I was dancing with my girl and some friends and, well, I'll try and explain as best I can but this experience doesn't really lend itself to words. I am not sure exactly which of these things happened when, as time didn't seem to exist in the conventional sense so my recall may be out of order, but here it is:

I felt hot. Extremely hot. There was a good crowd in a the small room we were in so there was a lot of body heat but this different. As my temp raised I sweat profusely and kept expecting the feeling to level out but it just kept getting hotter and hotter, like the heat was rising with the build of the music.

My vision was going. Or coming. It was transitioning. At first it seemed like it was fogging over, or like everything was whiting out or becoming smoke filled. As it progressed, or undulated, I could start to see that the "fog" was actually a complex layer of fractals, like I could "see" that all the negative space between people and objects was really interconnected by a fractal mesh linking everything to everything. At one point I gave my girlfriend and overly excited passionate kiss with lots of tongue and when I opened my eyes her face was made completely of fractals. Every line went on for ever, spiraling out in every dimension.

The synesthesia. Oh my, oh my, the synesthesia. I love synesthesia. I have experienced it several times, but usually in a much, much more limited sense. In the past I have felt or tasted music or one time I could see the music, but this time it was everything at once. It's not like I was seeing the music or feeling colors because I wasn't feeling or seeing or hearing in any separate sense. It was all one sense at once. The music, the visuals, the feeling of the my body, of the temperature, of everything was all one big psychedelic gloppy gloop of experience. Then it got more intense! I got what I can only describe as synesthesia of my mind as well as senses. I couldn't tell what was a thought vs what was a sound or color or anything.

As everything melted into one unified experience I had that psychedelic inter monolog that will sound so familiar to everyone who has been here. It went something like this:

"This is really hot in here. I might be overheating. Maybe I need to get out of here. This is dangerous! Get OUT OF THIS ROOM!"

"No, wait, chill, it's just the drugs. Drink some water. That's good."

"Too much water! You are going to die!"

"No, this is fine, just go with it."

"No really! Body is sending me warning signs like mad, abort! If you stay here you WILL DIE!"

"Ok, so be it... if I die I die, I have done this enough to know to ignore that part of my brain."

"You can't rationalize this like that! Seriously, you ARE DYING! ARRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH....... ggfefdljdsf....."

"..."

At this point I was in the full mind synesthesia/ego death so I didn't have any more thoughts, just raw experience. I also didn't have a body. It was impossible for me to feel where my body was but I could feel everything. I was simply a vibration in harmony with all the other vibrations that made existence.

I have had the "you are going to die" and then having to just accept it and go with it thing before on psychedelics but usually that is like the peak of intensity and after I accept it the experience subsides. This time the going to die/acceptance thing was only part was up the slope. It just kept getting more and more intense after I died. How can things get more intense after death? There was no 'me' to interpret the raw experience, but that experience itself kept getting more intense. My vibration melded further and further into everything. I don't really know if I was dancing or standing still or what. I could have sworn I dissipated entirely into the ether, but I think my girlfriend would have said something if that had really happened.

So that's that... After I somehow recovered my body and was aware of myself again I went out into the open areas again and felt totally sober. But not. I was as high as I had ever been, but not tripping at all. I was mentally clearer minded then I have ever been sober. I was completely mentally cleansed.

Then, this is what made this New Year by far the best I have ever had, I got a professional massage. There was a both at the even and an old asian lady manipulated my body in ways I didn't know were possible. It was the most heavenly experience ever. After the massage I floated around the rest of the night with no tension of mind body or soul. Then I saw Amon Tobin's cube show.

All this was from 1 hit 2c-I and a little MXE.

Thank you for reading through, this sub continually reminds me there are others on similar journeys.