chantey
loneliness has become of her.
always waiting.
same spot, same place.
hoping for his return.
years pass by.
faces change.
nature dries and shrivels.
youthful beauty.
extinguishes.
still she's waiting.
softly calling his name.
to the wide blue expanse.
the sound drowns.
submerges in its depths.
reaches a darkness.
where light doesn't reach.
longingly waiting for your return.
Posted Jul 6, 2021, 11:54 AM UTC
37
I like that the end has a feel of natural darkness or almost watery depths. It does feel sort of like halfway through you introduce this nature theme and work into it from there, rather than tying the whole theme together from the start (perhaps that was your intention) but it might be interesting to bring that weepy/dreary nature feel through toward the beginning of this piece, I might start in the verbs.
I hope it helps, first time commenting!
I love solid constructive criticism! Super helpful.
Thank you for sharing!
I'm working on v2 now while I still feel inspired