Source
r/OCPoetry•
soreloserta

Under the Dock

I think perhaps a summer ago

We could have gone to the docks

And kissed our faces to the sun

While you told me about your new life,

​

You would tell me how you got a new cat

Or planted new blueberries and roses

And I would listen as I saw silent tears

Roll down your cheeks as you recalled

​

That I have been listening all these years,

Begging for something more to drip from your lips,

That I have been a silvered sea within your heart

And catching every tear of salt -

​

That while you have been a ghost in your own bathroom,

All it took was the mirror in my eye

To let you know

I have been waiting all your life.

​

1: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/of3u8c/goodbye_to_what_we_could_be/h4aaf56/?context=3

2: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/o99zi5/contemporary_worship_music/h3althh/?context=3

Posted Jul 7, 2021, 12:12 AM UTC · edited

59
LHreid10•

This is a sincere poem.

One typo I think I caught for you: All it took was a the mirror in my eye

Can't wait to see what you do with this stanza it was one of my favorite parts...

​

One other critique - I am a little confused about the spacing/punctuation early on. It might take away from the writing.

2
sorelosertaOP•

Haha! Thank you, I totally missed that. What other parts were you looking at, if you don't mind me asking for additional criticism?

1
LHreid10•

Obviously a lot of punctuation/spacing is artistic freedom to begin with, but I'd consider working in some actual periods.

It is an interesting idea to have just the one at the end, but it sort of reads weird at the top because there are a lot of complete thoughts that transition to a new line, with a capital letter (sometimes with a line break in between). So it is just a little conflicting is all I think.

Here is an example:

From this:

I think perhaps a summer ago

We could have gone to the docks

And kissed our faces to the sun

While you told me about your new life,

to this:

Perhaps a summer ago

we could have gone to the docks

and kissed our faces to the sun,

while you told me about your new life.

2
sorelosertaOP•

I see what you mean. Thank you for reading and constructive criticism, I really appreciate it! I'll definitely chew on the advice you gave me.

1
Small-Strike•

the line “i have been a silvered sea within your heart catching every tear of salt” is honestly so profound. it’s beautifully penned and makes me feel so emotional. as if one persons depth and beauty is made more by catching and holding onto the other persons sadness. good job!!

2
sorelosertaOP•

Thank you for your response, I think you've captured what I aimed to convey completely. I appreciate you reading and commenting :)

2
Suitable-bones•

I like this, thanks for sharing.

Can you clarify why you chose “under” the dock for the title? it sounds a little nit picky but the third line “kissed our faces toward the sun” seems to contrast a bit with the title imagery - but maybe that was purposeful.

2
sorelosertaOP•

I understand your confusion. I think here I tried to characterize 'myself' more as the setting, the water under the dock. I will probably go back over this piece and edit to make it clear and explore that a bit more. But some of it was also a kind of restlessness. That everything being said there isn't what I'm looking for, that there is something 'under' the conversation lurking. Thank you for your feedback, I really appreciate it.

2
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