u/Small-Strike
i saved three times the amount i usually save! i cut down massively on groceries and impulse purchases! the story of “i’m not good at saving money” is a story i’ve repeatedly told myself for the 3 years i’ve been working. i decided that it needed to change this august. having a goal with a specific, time bound, realistic amount of money i wanted to save worked!
i am feeling proud of myself and am excited to continue :)
and now im slightly better mentally but dealing with this and the physical pain and stress that comes with it. having to spend so much money on teeth bc i dont have insurance and because i didn’t brush my teeth sometimes is so annoying. it causes me to feel despair as well since well i’m not depressed anymore but the effects of my depressive episodes are always there, always lingering.
i’m full,
gushing, overflowing
with emptiness.
it spills out of my chest
but never runs dry,
there’s still more in this void.
it fills me up in a way
only emptiness can.
somedays it bursts out from
my eyes and if i’m lucky
leaks out from my lips.
but that dull aching sense
of this well inside me,
filled to the brim with nothing
lingers still.
the words bubble up in my throat
“don’t touch me there”
“don’t talk to me like that”
“no, no, no, stop.”
but i remember you said i was good when i was silent
so i swallow my noise
and it’s soft and bitter as it slips down my chest
and soon my heartbeat’s quicker
and that boy thinks that it’s for him
so he smirks at me and goes on
as my eyes glaze over i’m wondering
are you proud of me now?
that david and alexis wake up from their sleep EVERYTIME someone switches on their room light.
i’m on the last 2 episodes of schitts creek and while i desperately want to know what happens, i can’t bear with the thought of finishing this show :( one of the greatest, most unique, funny, heartwarming family centered shows i’ve ever watched. and not a single drop in the quality of storytelling or acting over six seasons. an absolute masterpiece, i will miss the rose family and their wonderful surprises when i’m done. (until i start rewatching of course 😂)
edit: i watched it, i sobbed for an hour. it was such a good ending :’)
i just wrote a long letter to my best friend about my depression and it’s the first time i’m telling someone in detail about my struggles and i’m scared that i burdened her but i’m trying to not overthink it and go back and delete the messages anywayyy i’m proud of myself for finally having the strength to do this.
i’m going to try and sleep and not obsess over what her response will be lol.
the words bubble up in my throat
“don’t touch me there”
“don’t talk to me like that”
“no, no, no”
but i remember when you said that i was good
when i was silent
so i swallow my noise
and it’s soft and bitter as it slips down my chest
and makes my heartbeats quicker
and that boy thinks that it’s for him
so he smirks at me and goes on
as my eyes glaze over while i’m wondering
are you proud of me now?
i’ve been depressed for the whole of this year i feel so weak because my “trauma” isn’t even that severe and everyone else that i know has been through so much worse but they’re doing relatively okay, being productive and social and taking care of themselves, and i’m wondering why i can’t be stronger and learn to deal with this. i was getting better and idk what happened everything just went back again and now i hate my body as well as my personality, which is new for me. and it’s hard to even look at the mirror, and have quiet time with my thoughts. i just wish i wasn’t alive you know, i wouldn’t have to live everyday knowing that even in terms of depression, i’m not enough.
