Thank you for the feedback! This is all super helpful!!

General impressions

At first glance, I was intrigued without being overly impressed by the worldbuilding. Calling fantastic creatures Daimon is not exactly original. I confess I had a hard time concentrating, because of the tiring prose (many adjectives). Sometimes even the right adjectives can feel unnecessary if you use too many bad ones.

The characters are flat, the dialogue reflecting that. They are what they seem, they say what they feel, we know them from the start. There's no playing and no game. But that is not to say they are bad. It's fixable.

I think I understood most of it, but I have questions, like, are victims of Daimons 'infected' and become a Daimon? The wording seems to say that. I might've just not paid enough attention. They could be possessing people like the more traditional demons do, that last section of the prologue in a way seems to imply that.

 Even though it's thousands of words, it happens in one big breath. This is good when you want to give urgency to

Thanks so much for all the feedback and I'm glad you enjoyed the hints of the magic/parts of it where I wasn't shoving adjectives down the reader's throat lol. This is really helpful and definitely pinpoints a lot of places that were confusing/purple/slow (I'm a pantser and have realized that when I don't know where I'm going with a scene, I start waffling about the ocean hahaha). I'll definitely make sure to cut to the chase more in the next draft. 

This I think would definitely be kept as a prologue since it takes place roughly \~25 years in the past though both Greg and the little boy do play a part in the main story. I think part of the disconnect with Greg may be that I am also a young woman trying to figure out how to write a sixty year old man -- I'll see what I can do to make him pop a little more. (Actual MCs are women in their early to late twenties).

Similarly,   
  
quiet and loud at once isn’t a great was to describe a voice because, well, it isn’t a real thing anyone has ever experienced. It’s like if I said, he was tall but also small. The reader can’t really imagine that without added help like “he towered over me, yet stood with such bad posture that he curled into himself.   
  
Another confusing paragraph: 

  
The behemoth rose in the darkness, standing between him and his escape back to shore. The curved spines along its back pulsed with barely contained energy. Blue light arced through the air as its tail flicked patiently from side to side. Lightning dripped from its tongue and danced between its fangs.   
  
Like, behemoth means big, even big monster. But then I see his back, a tail, and lightening on his tongue. What does this thing look like??? Is it a lizard like godzilla? Is it a snake?   
  
You help us a little here:   
  
Blue eyes. Cold eyes. Strange and alien and angry, staring from a hairless, wolf

**OVERVIEW**

I thought this was medium, in that I liked a good number of things and didn’t like some other things. I felt bored throughout most of the beginning but then pretty excited towards the end. I would have stopped reading because of this boredom but would have regretted it because I do think there is an interesting story here which is being overshadowed by a lot of purple prose. Ignoring the ‘is it a prologue or is it a first chapter’ question (though it is one worth exploring for you), I think its a fine start that needs tuning up in a variety of areas.

**PLOT & STRUCTURE**

Well, it is a first chapter. So I want to be introduced to a character that I like, a world that seems interesting enough, AND I want to feel like I can root for the introduction character enough to make it to chapter two.

I think you should give this a read under the lens of those three questions. There is fluff here. A lot of fluff and I’m not one of those GET TO THE ACTION OH MY GOD YOURE TAKING TO 

Thanks so much for the helpful tips and pointing out bits that were unclear/confusing! Will definitely make sure to pare down and be more concise with future drafts.

General Remarks- 

First pass: Not exactly my genre of interest, but I will do my best. I will say, it is very intriguing. Your writing is impressive for sure, but I also think you try too hard. I want it to be simpler. I was often confused and felt that the elaborate descriptions interrupted the story and dialogue a lot. The descriptions are my biggest complaint.  
 As a prologue, I feel like I got a good idea about the world, but was not super comfortable with my understanding of it. If this is what you are looking for, that is fine. A little mystery about the world can be good, but I struggled to make sense of the physical space and the relationships among the characters on my first pass.   
  
  
  
Second Read & Third Read:  
Mechanics  
Would try to limit passive voice. There were many times where I just felt like I was observing and not in the story because of the verb choice:   
“Eurybia’s mouth pressed thin, her skin looked ashen and her wrinkles carved deeper than he

Double space your paragraphs, and don't double space between them. 
I commented on some other things you seemed to be doing repeatedly, but full disclosure... I didn't make it to the end. 


Try painting a little more with you words to describe the people, not just the environment, and try putting a bit more personality into your characters dialogue. I know those are vague and often frustrating responses without me pointing a finger specifically at a shot in your work, but let characters have more time on the page than the background info your reader "needs." We should be able to feel the gravity of the situation without you telling us about the gravity of the situation

Hello! I think I posted an earlier draft of this ages ago, but haven't been writing much for the last year and would love to get a little feedback on a slightly updated version of this prologue as I try to get back into writing again. I think a lot of feedback I got on it previously involved the beginning being too slow, so I tried to speed that up a bit...ended up being roughly the same word count, but there's less walking?

Anyways, I'm open to any and all critique! Draft is [here](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1buHranuud_V5z2XPgE4Kl08iq4pWOTTWJtrfjVW13KM/edit?usp=sharing). 

Critiques in return are here: [\[2007\] The Flaming Lily of Ashkeep](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/oegdat/2007_the_flaming_lily_of_ashkeep/h4cj4f4/?context=3) ; [\[2296\] Carve](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/oejkh7/2296_carve/h49vw7d/?context=3)

[3428] Beneath - Prologue