Source
r/OCPoetry•
visiblyhuman

Chantey with revisions

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/oeteah/chantey/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

Here is the original version.

I made revisions based on u/Suitable-bones constructive critique!

loneliness has become of her.

she sinks in the recesses of her mind.

floating but never reaching the bottom.

where she can return to him.

years pass by.   faces change. nature blooms but ultimately shrivels. youthful beauty.   disintegrates.

still she waits.   softly calling his name.

outward projection.

onto the wide blue expanse.

the sound drowns.   submerges into its depths. reaches the darkness. where no light reaches.

longingly waiting for your return.

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/ofg8x4/pain_an_old_friend/h4d8mv6/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/ofbri5/the_quietest_room_on_earth/h4d9ay3/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3

Posted Jul 7, 2021, 4:27 PM UTC

113
Suitable-bones•

Hey! Wow, happy to be able to provide an opinion that you considered. To your credit, more importantly, I really like this version. It’s more cohesive, in my opinion, and I can really feel that needy sense of suspension. Looking forward to more of your stuff to read!

2
visiblyhumanOP•

Thank you! You gave such good critique haha

1
HarveyTDude•
Alone in a crowd 

loneliness is her

just beyond my reach
slowly into crevices 
recesses of my mind

she drifts
slowly at speed 
reaching depths 
sinking slow, 

she returns to him,

she floats by
pushing me away
I give her oxygen 
to breath, as

she takes my breath away.

Seasons change 
years pass
faces grow 
bloom and 

then shrivel
beauty fades 
disintegrates

I wait patiently 
calling her 
by my name

try manifest 
project 
into the universe

my screams drown   
sink into bottomless
depths of despair 

light fades
into nothingness
where even darkness
fails to reach.

When time has runout 
when day turns to night 
when all the songbirds quite 
and everything fades away

I shall remain
waiting for your return
in an infinite parallel multiverse
one day you will be mine
2
visiblyhumanOP•

Wowza! This has never happened to me before. I didn't think others would make their own poem from mine. Thank you, thank you!

1
visiblyhumanOP•

Gives me 'your name' movie vibes

1
HarveyTDude•

We watch Miyazaki and Shinkai movies as well; its the nearest thing to a religious experience for us.

1
visiblyhumanOP•

Agreed. It's the true religion out there. My spirit persona is chihiro.

1
visiblyhumanOP•

Funny thing is my really good friend in jp has the same name as the protag.

1
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1
mellow_seducer•

I do appreciate this version a lot. I love the really simple sentences that are painting this image and the keep coming in this wave of emotion. It gives a hypnotic quality. I do think the suggestions overall improved the piece too. The imagery is lovely and gives this really isolated feeling overall. Echoes of isolation. A very nice piece.

1
visiblyhumanOP•

Awe thank you! I really appreciate this

1
visiblyhumanOP•

For anyone who wants even more of an atmosphere immersion listen to the song "chantey" by akmu. It's korean.

1