How do other parents keep their relationship alive?
In between full time jobs, child care troubles, housework, and trying to sneak in 30 min a day for ourselves, our marriage has died. I don’t think he cares. With what little energy I had left, I took a nice hot bath and wore something nice. He comes to bed 2 hours later and doesn’t even look at me, just plops over and turns his back to me... It’s not like I have infinite energy to make more and more efforts. That was it. That was my best. I didn’t interrupt his shows, I waited patiently so he could get his hobbies in. Every single night is a missed opportunity. I could have sex every night if I had a willing partner. This is not me. I’m a shell of myself now. Just an undesirable mother with a flabby belly. Not even my own husband is interested.
Posted Jul 17, 2021, 3:19 AM UTC
There are so many factors that could be leading to this on his end. My wife and I went through something similar, but with time the groove returns. Being a new parent is hard - really hard. None of us can speak for his lack of desire or libido, but break the cycle - make him pay attention to you. Do you have a way to get away for a night? Can grandparents watch the baby and allow you both the chance for a night out and a bottle of wine? All just suggestions from a husband/father of a 2 y/o.
You’re interrupting my pity party with that useful advice. I’m having a hard time trying to do anything because every time I put myself out there I get my feelings hurt. Sex is just not even top 10 on his list of priorities. He’s a wonderul dad and husband even with all this but I’m a different person without a sex life. I’m becoming a bitter person. I want to be having fun sex and cuddling. That’s why I worked so hard to build good sleep habits for my baby, so I could still have a sex life. Sorry for the ramble.
So something I have learned over time with my husband, sex is not near the priority level for him as it is for me. He is also hella bad at picking up signals. We have had a couple really deep convos about what that means our sex life needs to look like. I conceded to be more blunt with my needs. I dont wait for him to notice me looking sexy. I point blank tell him that I am in the mood and want attention. Its not always as fun as being lusted after, but it keeps me satisfied and emotionally happy. Plus the sex is 10/10. I would just say TALK to him about your needs and how this is making you feel. He isn't a mind reader. Or he is asexual and you two need to have a totally different conversation.
Really accurate. Indeed just talk with him. There might be a 1000 things going through his head. Maybe he is afraid of doing damage, i know i was. Maybe he is overwhelmed by everything going on, a baby changes a lot, i was incredibly overwhelmed. So the first period i was just too scared and worried and that resulted in not really wanting to do anything. We might not seem very sophisticated but some men truly have some depth ;-) . To be honest im still a little bit scared cause what if i make a wrong move and something ruptures or something.
Dont assume things, dont jump to conclusions and just talk to him. And more important listen and dont judge. It might go back to how it was before or be even better than before, sooner than you think.
Can confirm that nuance is something that at the end of the day I as a dad really lack, but a direct statement of desire is rarely met with anything other than “oh I didn’t know what was an option!” I think it’s easy to get caught in the loop of assuming your partner is too tired or too mentally drained to want physical intimacy, and therefore not let them know directly (not just hints) that you want them.
This cuts both ways too: I know many husbands who don’t initiate because of long periods of stress and sleep deprivation, and then end up assuming their partner isn’t interested, when really it’s the opposite case.
Are you putting yourself out there verbally? Like telling him all this? As awfully unromantic as it sounds, it might be time to schedule sex in your calendars. And if he's not agreeable, I'd use those two hours after the bath with a whole bed to myself to masterbate wildly.
Oh man does this one hit close to home. I’m not sure it exists in her reality at all.
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Parenting is hard. Guys can be dense and not get signals. You might want to have a light discussion bringing up the fact that you would like to have some adult time with him in the near future, so he is aware... And then just make an obvious invitation when the time suites you.