Forgive Me

I really like this poem. My favorite parts were definitely the opening and ending stanzas. Great imagery in the last stanza really portrays the problem for the speaker, while the reference to an older maybe odd poem in the first portrays the initial idiosyncratic draw of new relationships.

However, what didn't quite mesh so well with me as a reader was the bulk in the middle. I did like the part about "Leonard Cohen's Chelsea Hotel to Happy Monday's Step On", but overall, I was pulled out of the world of the poem and into maybe a less intriguing and more mundane version in the real world. Which, I admit could be intentional, but I think if that's what you want, maybe you could change the language and/or descriptions of your first interactions to at least allude to the fact you're using technology, instead of just saying "blowing up my dms" and "she will share her instagram". These lines just didn't do it for me. Perhaps if this was intended, you could even use other media platforms as metaphors for types of expression or something. Like maybe:

"she shares her pictures through instagram, her favorite songs on Twitter, her videos on Youtube, and her heart with me." Just an idea, I'm not sure if this is really any better!

Even so, the opening and ending are the strength of the poem for me. I feel like the opening was so well written. It had me wondering and confused, but in a way that made me interested. I was not deterred to read on. While the ending brought me down to earth and painted the speaker's (potentially) incompatible lifestyle in just a few lines.

As an additional note, the form of the poem seems most consistent in the opening stanza, in terms of length and meter. I don't think this in any way affected my experience, but it was noticeable. Might be intentional.

Aside from that, maybe the poem could benefit from more concise word choice, or by simply removing some words here or there that are redundant. For example, "I haven't been in this position many times before." Many times could probably go.

Of course, I'm just nitpicking because like I said, I like this poem a lot and the concept is deeper than just a love poem, so it would be awesome to see this given some more depth in some areas.

Thanks for posting! I hope you post more as you continue writing :)

Good morning, afternoon, or evening asfy,

People sometimes confuse the word 'poem' to mean non-narrative fluffy literary device. You and I know that poems and narratives are not mutually exclusive categories. In fact, the best poems are always, always stories. I will go to my grave believing that to be the truth.

And the best stories are those which surprise in ways that strike us as episodes of remembrance. We all know what a good story looks like, because we are living in the best story there is all the time: real life, as interpreted through the natural story teller in our heads. The best stories take that real life story for a ride through a world that looks a lot like the one it is always already telling, except the story looks different.

The story changes the internal storyteller for the better, making it more able to tell nuanced, creative stories about the world around it.

Let's talk about your story. I love how it begins. It is surprising in its specificity about a certain poem that the speaker posted on the internet. You can tell it is a specific poem because there are no other poems like it. It is not a cliche that the speaker speaks of, but a beloved and remembered literary object.

The unnamed antagonist or foil of the story is a feminine presence who becomes seemingly obsessed with the protagonist because of the poem the speaker posted. I want to know why she obsesses with the reader. What about the poem struck her as remarkable? What about it captivated her and made her obsessed with its poet? Or, is she simply sending out mass DMs to all the poets on the site?

What is the connection between the undepicted subject poem and romance songs? Is the feminine antagonist a romantic at heart, or is she romantically interested in the speaker? More importantly, what inside her prompts her to spend the time type out her incessant messages to the speaker, and (I think this is the crucial unspoken idea) why does the speaker take to this attention so negatively?

At the conclusion, I wonder, more than anything, what the montage of photos of children, leaf piles in living rooms, and firearms made in America is saying about the nature of the protagonist's mind, living conditions, or attitude toward the unseen antagonist. Not to mention the crack cocaine, which, while admirably shocking, does not immediately trigger the feeling of recognizance of life truth that one would like to elicit in a culminating line, whether of a story or of a poem.

I believe, though, that your decision to narrativize your poem is an extremely smart one. I would love to see in a revision more of the central themes being answered: who is the speaker, and what does this identity have to give to our inner storyteller? Who is the feminine antagonist, and what does her femininity, attention, or other aspects have to say about the speaker or to give to our inner storyteller?

Take my critiques how you will. I am somewhat eccentric in my feedback, and am no master poet myself, but rather pretend to be in the story I tell in my head.

Till one of us posts next, I remain

Respectfully yours,

Schizoid

I love this. It is specific on the narrative while leaving a lot open about what the characters are feeling. Is the narrator flattered but hopeless, or just plain annoyed and cynical? Is the woman being clingy / overenthusiastic, or did they genuinely connect over something that isn't mentioned in the poem? I really like that ambiguity.

Mossy Stag? I think you mean Mazzy Sun

Bro. You got me.

This is wonderful, it has sort of a haunting quality to it.

I love how this poem leads the reader to believe that the character is innocent in the beginning, but the shift at the end provides a refreshing surprise. This helps it stand out and not sound like a generic teen love poem

I totally adore this. Especially that ending xD reminds me of my life

I like the poem a lot, particularly the last stanza, which creates a bit of mystery. I like that the quote divides the poem. The first two stanzas focus on a beginning and the last two on a possible, maybe inevitable end. There were a couple spots where I think you could’ve used contractions to make the lines flow better, but that’s just me.

oh, hi there; didn't see you! you've reached r/OCPoetry; this is a workshop site where you can share, read, and talk about eachother's poetry & etc. to post your own poems, you need to give feedback to 2 other writers. if you aren't trying to share, you're encouraged to give feedback, but aren't required. try to be nice, questioning, and specific. if you can't do that - eat a cabbage and come back later. try to give feedback to a writer without any feedback. lastly, read our feedback guide , other writer's comments, or this author’s feedback links. if you still aren't sure whether your comments are useful ‘feedback’, or you have any other questions, send us a modmail!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.