Need funny non-insulting retorts to people thanking god whenever I achieve something.

TL;DR looking for funny ways, non insulting to respond to pleas to be thank god. Want them to be PC but scathing so I can do them anytime it happens.

After many years of ignoring it, it finally got under my skin and I would like to actively start responding to people who ask me to “thank god” for something I’ve achieved myself.

I am tired of my wife and I working our backs off to achieve career goals and constantly hear “god willed it” or “praise the lord for it”. I am more tired of having to deal with cancer, and be told “god is testing you”, or “pray for forgiveness and you shall recover”. No, listening to doctors and scientists, changing my entire sedentary lifestyle, cutting meals, alcohol & other activities to the point that I can now complete a triathlon is what helped me recover. Not “repenting for once living in sin” (dated a guy. I know, the horror…)

So I want a non insulting way to respond to those inane comments given by my family who knows very well I’m atheist. I’ve already had the talk with them of “you can’t indoctrinate your beliefs on me and trample mine” yet it still goes ignored. Time to add active rebuttals that are not bible based because they retort that “I’m misinterpreting because I’m not a practicing Catholic”

Give me your best.

As examples I’ve said to “thank god”:

• “Where can I venmo him money?”
• “Does he take dogecoin”
• “Call him up, I never get through”
• “With like a goat? That’s kind of not PC anymore”
• “start the fire, I’ll get the wine” (bible based, they don’t even know he takes quarts of wine burnt in a pire”
• “Does he accept if I overcook a chicken? It’s basically the same”
• “No no, this is not high school, if he doesn’t do the work he doesn’t get credit”
• “no way, we aren’t even yet, I’ll say ok when he balances out the cancer”