Hi, I went through and put some comments on things. I wanted to provide some overarching feedback too.

I think you did a good job setting the tone I believe you were going for- dispassionate and a bit surreal, with perhaps an unstable (if not unreliable) narrator. I think you might have leaned into it even a bit too hard in your stylistic choices of how the narrator describes things (my comment about the rapid fire sentence structure, for example). I think another factor to that was that there were very few descriptions of emotions of opinions on the part of the narrator, which makes it hard to have any idea about what's going on in their mind, which can make it difficult to stay immersed. But, overall, I think you struck a good balance on things and set an interesting vibe.

The advancing dreams are interesting. The memories of traumatic events, the vaguely uncomfortable mentions of Father and Mother, the doctor's tests- there are a lot of subtle storylines being told at the same tim

“The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation." So said Thoreau and I never really understood what he's trying to get at. But your piece is a brilliant depiction of "quiet desperation." You portray a person whose life is so featureless that they're disappointed that they don't have a serious, maybe even fatal illness. I hope that's what you intended.

But I must confess that I don't completely get the worm theme. I thought it was consistent with the depiction of quiet desperation, but I don't get how it's associated with the ecstasy of the last three paragraphs. Unfortunately, that's probably the point of the whole thing from your perspective. I'm assuming it's your attempt to duplicate the surrelistic picture of the person looking ecstatically out the back passenger window of the car as it hurtles to disaster. That's a striking image, but I'm not sure it works this way in your piece. I'd love to hear your further thoughts about this.

For me another bit of evidence that you've done

For me, this story is centered around the line: "In our union, I'm not sure where they end and I begin. Not sure where my point of gravity lies. With myself, or with them."

This character has experienced something awful and very traumatic; a rape, I gather from the interspersed clues. And, in dealing with that trauma is in a perpetual loop of needing the support or expertise or prescription of others while simultaneously pushing the world away. Rejecting all sensory inputs and also grasping in darkness as is described here:

"Until I can't hold my breath anymore. My senses still grasp for air, something to attach to, something to cognite." (no idea what this means by the way. Cogitate, perhaps?)

Throughout the story you come back to this push / pull. A few more examples:

The first line: "I unpack the last item of the only box, and just hold the lamp in my arms." She is actively trying to unpack here, perhaps she's even trying to unpack herself; her emotional baggage. But she doesn't

**Story**

So, the story is about a girl who arrives to a new apartment and has a new job and has to go to a health examination.  She doesn’t have anything going for her.  I got the sense she was just going through the motions of living her life.  The only times we see her actually feeling something, is in her dreams and when she masturbates.  I didn’t understand the dreams a lot.  I think they were about being bullied or wanting to be a worm and hide in the dirt so no one could hurt you.

I finally got it that he was a boy and now she is a girl.  Maybe that’s why she is so hurt and anxious but I’m not sure if that is the case.  Be a bit firmer about this so that the reader can get it.  More clues about this.

I liked this story.  It has a good premise, about this person that just wanders around, and she thinks something interesting is going to happen with her test results, something she can cling on to, and yet…nothing happens, there’s nothing wrong with her.  It’s good.  

The thing 

**General Remarks**

I'm torn; I don't know if I liked it or not.

On the one hand, the story organization was very effective for me. Every scene brought me a bit closer to Frita (Frida! I'm leaving this here because the MC had such a small impact on me that I goofed her name), and you have this most wonderful ability to create sentences that start on one place, turn on a dime and stop in somewhere totally unexpected. I'm not sure if it was intentional, but they were nicely placed, too. The story is by nature very monotonous, but just when it was starting to drag, we'd get one of these cool little sentences that would give me something to chew on for a few more paragraphs.

On the other hand? I feel like I was eating bread. The story felt quite long, despite its brevity. I wasn't left with a particular flavor. It's bland. I started reading this story a few days ago and then came back to it this morning; in that time, I forgot everything beyond the fact that this person frequently mastu

STORY

https://docs.google.com/document/d/14RIkYU9nR6hdFOVOfOeLar5-i6PDfhzxM6K4X0rmnFI/edit

CRITIQUE

(1500) https://old.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/op00a3/1500_broken_things/h665l0b/


Some years ago I watched a film, I think it was German, I think it was called something like "Can't see the forest for all the trees". I liked it. The ending was interesting. SPOILER. In the end, the MC drives a car. Then she leaves the driver seat, without stopping the car or anything (the car continues forward), she crawls to the back, presses her hands to the window, looks in amazement and joy at the passing view. 

And that's all.

[1349] White Room