Source
r/OCPoetry•
The_Land_Mammal

First Time for Everything

Perhaps the wind is nervous,

never knowing where to blow.

​

Maybe nature is uncertain,

always taking time to grow.

​

Gravity can get quite lonely,

so it pulls things to the ground.

​

And time can get so restless,

it can't help but move around.

​

Could our cold uncaring universe,

be just like you and me.

​

Reaching for the endless,

because it feels so incomplete.

​

And did life and death find struggle,

with newfound parenthood.

I ask,

With everything that's been

has nothing understood?

​

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Posted Jul 27, 2021, 6:06 PM UTC

1415
Epileptic_Keyboard•

oh my gosh let me just say i absolutely LOVED this, i especially liked how it rhymes and how smoothly it flowed. “reaching for the endless, because it feels so incomplete” definitely my favorite line in the entire poem - it makes you kinda just sit there like “wow”. thanks for sharing!

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The_Land_MammalOP•

Thank you! I tend to write everything with a little melody in mind, so maybe that's why? Also, I actually changed that line you mentioned as I was posting, so I'm glad it worked.

2
itmeliv•

I freaking love this! It’s so hard to write rhyming poems in this way that don’t come off feeling childish but you nailed it. You tackle the most human struggles in such a clever way. I guess if I had any feedback at all I would question if death ever struggled with “newfound” parenthood? That line made me stop and think for a minute but I understand what you were getting at. Thank you for sharing this!

One more thing: I would mess with your punctuation. You have periods at the end of your stanzas but the sentence doesn’t necessarily end there.

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The_Land_MammalOP•

Wow. Well thank you. I know my style probably doesn't has mass appeal, too existential, but I appreciate anyone that it resonates with. Wrote it for my wife who was struggling with not being perfect, so it was my way of saying we aren't alone in our anxieties and inadequacies.

The life and death line was the hardest one to translate from my head and isn't as accessible as I think, so it really needs to change.

Thank you again for taking the time to read and respond.

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itmeliv•

I know that struggle far too well (as I'm sure most do but just don't talk about it). It's beautiful you can relate to her in this way. Great work! :)

1
lenny_from_da_block•

Hi Op, this is lovely! My only critique would be to change the final stanza to make it fit better with the prior format and maybe make it a little more clear, for example:

Did life and death find struggle,
with newfound parenthood?
With everything that's been,
how is nothing understood?

Just a suggestion! The change in rhythm threw me off a bit and the wording, only there, felt like a struggle. Hope this helps!

2
The_Land_MammalOP•

Thanks. I actually like the idea of "How is nothing understood?" Almost adds a tone of frustration or disbelief to the end. Like, how are we not getting this yet?

The original line is trying to say that even all the greater forces at play in the universe, don't know why they're here and that there is nothing at the top that understands the sum of all these parts.

But I feel like that stuff is suppose to stay beneath the surface and might be compromising my theme a bit.

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[deleted]•

This is absolutely terrific and writing in this manner is challenging so I applaud a job well done :)

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The_Land_MammalOP•

Thank you so much. I'm such a.. faithful spouse for structure. I really appreciate all the positive feedback.

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[deleted]•

You're very welcome!

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[deleted]•

Great!!!

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mohitchouhan__•

Wow, sheer marvel! ..i.loved it, ...its arresting from the first line itself and essence of the poem too feels nice. The way you portrayed to just discover though its first time. And those last lines got my head to think...it was such a nice thought maybe the wind, nature, the time and gravity all are just discovering. They did what they had to in first place and it turned out to be great...newbie wind was nervous where to blow so it swayed everywhere and now for her it's most loving thing to do.... It's very important to move, nobody's perfect. They have their own hardships to plunge. It resonated with me! Loved it:)

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The_Land_MammalOP•

Thanks, I'm glad you grasped it so well. It was meant to inspire hope on the surface, help people be less hard on themselves. While beneath that, question if omnipotence exists and that maybe nothing can see the whole picture.

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Callingthewind•

Beyond..... bows

2
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