Hi there.

I don't typically read horror but I'll try my best to give a good perspective on your story.

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I think overall as a short horror its a good concept, mannequins are creepy and being alone with a bunch that seem alive is a scary idea.

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I think someone else in docs commented on your opening sentence/paragraph but I'll just reiterate that its hard to read. It's a bit clumsy, which can be easily fixed by shortening it, and re-order it a bit so you don't have to say 'that that'

I think you're going for an effect where its like the protag is telling the read about this thing that happened to them, and it's coming across pretty clearly.

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Character

The voice is good, reminiscent sort of. I had a thought that she was a bit... i guess the word is braggy? with the line about saving up for college by the time she hit puberty. Like those types that always talk like they think they did something no one else has ever done. Aside from that line I found her lika

Some things work well but as-is this story fundamentally doesn’t work for me.Side note: This is my first critique here. I tried to focus on the #4 "Try your hardest to explain why you think it is either good or bad” from this post ([https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/4yrkna/meta\_make\_destructive\_readers\_great\_again/](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/4yrkna/meta_make_destructive_readers_great_again/) ) but it means forefronting my views on stuff which is worth exactly what you paid lol.  Also, I’m not a big horror reader so please toss anything or everything.

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**The good:**

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I like the voice. It’s feels YA to me because of the chatty way you talk to the reader. Sprinkling in “you” helps with that. “When I tell you I jumped at the opportunity” and “you could practically hear it woosh by” for example.I also like the moment where the protag describes her breathing. I like it because it slows the story down and I connect with it

Hey guys! This is my first attempt at a /r/nosleep style horror short story, and would like any kind of feedback - even on the title as it's just something I slapped on there at the last second lol

Looking forward to hearing what you guys think!

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[Story](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Pe0bJNUvugps-_dP6PsvUv5ttjCfGPEv6Q15pzWMp1I/edit?usp=sharing)

[Critique - 1500 words](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/op00a3/1500_broken_things/h6qxig9/?context=3)

[1446] Clothing Store Nightmare