Source
r/bisexualadults•
stargazelle_

Needing advice re: internalized biphobia and a friend

TW- biphobia

Hi friends. I am struggling with some internalized biphobia and pretty rigid thinking, and need an understanding place to vent/ask for advice. TLDR : I came out as bi about four years ago and am partially out as non-binary (genderflux, please use they/them when referring to me). I have a friend who realized they were bi some time last year. We are both in our mid-20s, and both autistic. Friend talks about bi culture memes to the point where it seems like they’re only saying they are bi because of the memes.

Some time last year, a friend of mine realized they were bisexual. They find the “bi culture” memes to be funny and relatable, but to the point where I feel like the memes are more why they identify as bi than their actual attraction to their own gender and other genders. Example, sometimes they will joke around like “I know I’m bi because I sit in weird positions and cuff my jeans.” I hate to be invalidating, and maybe this is just because I’m autistic, but my first thought is usually, “memes and tiktoks aren’t what makes you bisexual. Your attraction does.” I know my friend is just trying to joke around, but it feels almost disrespectful to other queer people who really struggled with their identity. It feels like I’m being biphobic or simply invalidating to say my thoughts out loud. They will also say things like, “I probably won’t marry or date a [their gender] person, but I know I’m bi because I love converse and can’t sit in a normal position.” Assumingely as a joke?? That’s where I’m struggling with internal biphobia, thinking, “well then maybe you aren’t actually bi.” I’ve only ever dated cis men, but would date non-binary people, women, etc. so it’s hypocritical of me to say that. But it’s still pretty frustrating to hear my friend say these things.

For me, my sexuality is part of my identity, but it is just as boring of a trait as my having green eyes or being an introvert. I was raised in a really accepting family and didn’t have a hard time coming out to other people. My friend was raised in a homophobic family, so their experience was much different.

How can I respond when my friend references bi culture memes, particularly when they use it to explain their sexuality, whether or not they are joking? How can I combat my own internalized heteronormativity/biphobia when my friend says things like this? How can I be validating to my friend even though what they say rubs me the wrong way?

Posted Jul 30, 2021, 8:03 AM UTC

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stargazelle_OP•

All good advice! Always helpful to hear from other autistics :)

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vikepic•

Extremely good advice! I was probably assuming a bit too much about OP, this is a very good lenses to see the problem through. I'm not autistic and this possibility did not cross my mind.

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vikepic•

Yo, I'm really glad that you posted this. By the look of it, sounds like you've decoupled your thoughts and emotions from your ego and you're examining them in a very intelligent way. Kudos for that, that's not easy to do.

So, this is kinda complicated. Please take what I'm gonna say with a grain of salt because I don't know your situation, but I think that bad advice is better than no advice at all :P

I do think that the feelings you're experiencing are biphobia, especially the part where you're feeling compelled to invalidate your friends identity.

I was raised in a really accepting family and didn’t have a hard time coming out to other people. My friend was raised in a homophobic family, so their experience was much different.

This is important. They feel very safe around you and know they won't be judged for acting more "bi" than they normally do around other people, which is something that they have struggled with for a long time.

I suspect that if you tell them to stop "acting so bisexual", you'll be effectively forcing them to mask around you. Please note that while you have full rights to do so, It won't be free. Your relationship will suffer, and they won't feel as valid.

They’re probably going through a phase of affirmation of their own sexuality. They’re probably 1000% struggling with feeling valid. If you wanna make those "flashy" behaviours disappear, VALIDATE THE HELL OUT OF THEM.

If they label themselves as bi, they are bi. Period. I don't care that they have not been bullied. I don't care that they have had "no trouble" with their identity. I could not care less. They are happy, I am happy. Happy as fuck. Validating your friend does not invalidate your own sexuality and struggles, and viceversa.

Of course, if they say something that offends you as a bi person, you should talk it out with him. If they do not respect your identity or they diminish the suffering of the LGBTQ+ community that's not acceptable.

But if the only thing that bothers you about them is the way they expresses their own sexuality, then I really do think that you're struggling with feelings of biphobia. It happens to the best of us, nothing to be ashamed of.

memes and tiktoks aren’t what makes you bisexual. Your attraction does.

I don't really agree with this. Attraction is a murky topic. I, for example, just know that I'm bi. No other proof required. I just am. I feel happier labeling myself as bi. I am way more comfortable living life as a bisexual. I am miserable labeling myself as straight. Attraction for me comes second, and it might not have even been there in the first place if I didn't first accept myself as bi.

TL:DR: Your feelings are valid. Validate and support your friends. Examine yourself for thoughts you don't want to permeate your mind. You got this.

Edit: changed pronouns

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stargazelle_OP•

This is super helpful!!! I’m glad I came here for this!!! Thank you for being so blunt and thorough with your response. I definitely have internalized biphobia. I had it for myself as well when I first realized I liked women. At the time, I identified as a cis woman, and I was convinced I was straight, even though I was attracted to femme people. It is just difficult to figure out how to work through my internalized problematic thinking to get rid of it!

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vikepic•

I’m so glad to hear that! I struggle with biphobia a lot too, so I totally get where you’re coming from. Lotsa hugs, l’m sure you’re a great friend! Just the fact that you posted here is very telling of that!

btw: sorry for misgendering your friend, I corrected the pronouns on my previous comment

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stargazelle_OP•

Tbh my friend uses both he/him and they/them, but I am using they/them to protect their identity :)

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furryworries•

I’m curious about something- you mention primarily dating men, is that true for your friend as well? You don’t specify, but it could be helpful and relevant info here because we don’t all experience biphobia the same way. I think that people who were socialized to date men struggle more with perceptions that their queer identity isn’t valid. But people who were socialized to date women (or those who come from intensely homophobic backgrounds) often have the opposite issue, where both their bisexual identity and their prior relationships are invalidated when they experience queer attraction. Fuck, even some famous bisexual women have said that they won’t date bisexual men.

Homophobia is a motherfucker, and I’d assume that your friend is just trying their best to get to where you are. They just might have a harder path. (Also, some level of n00b cringe might be part of every subculture ?)

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stargazelle_OP•

My (amab) friend is primarily interested in women, but as far as I know, has never dated anyone.

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i-never-existed-777•

I wouldn't say that being tired of certain jokes is internalized biphobia. I can laugh at them from time to time, but feeling that your whole personality is reduced to a stereotype could be tiring sometimes. You can tell your friend that you don't feel comfortable with those jokes, setting boundaries is fine.

However, you should consider that this is normal. I've seen many people that do this the moment they come out, they want to express a lot what they repressed through so many years. Try not to be so harsh right now, they are figuring things out and is not your place to decide whether or not they're truly bi. Even if your friend isn't truly bi, that's not a bad thing, exploring your sexuality should be more normalized. Make them feel safe.

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stargazelle_OP•

This is helpful. Thank you ❤️

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mpclemensBisexual•

My guess: the memes are funny and light, and easier to face than the truth. Being joke-bi is certainly simpler than being stigmatized-bi.

If someone wants to believe they're bi because of pants cuffing, let them. As long as they don't start pushing that label on other people it's fine. ("You sit funny, are you bi?")

Everyone has the right to choose their identity, even if they go about it in an odd way.

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stargazelle_OP•

They sometimes say things like that to me, like if they notice I’m sitting funny. How should I navigate that? They know How I identify as well.

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mpclemensBisexual•

I think that depends on your relationship with your friend, and how much their autism affects their reading of social cues. I'd probably just say "I'm not bi because of how I sit" and then change the subject. If they persist, I would sigh heavily and go sit somewhere else.

I understand wanting to feel part of a group, and the stereotypes are safe ways to feel like belonging, especially if they come from a background of homophobia or biphobia. I feel like they're focusing on this because it's much easier than the harder conversations of gender, and identity, and breaking down social rules. If those rules are hard to understand already, it's easy to lean on something simple.

We used to say some pretty dumb things growing up: I think wearing green on Wednesdays "meant" you were horny, and if you had one ear pierced, it couldn't be the "gay ear." All silly, really, and a way of othering people. This is almost othering from the inside, and if it bothers you -- it would bother me! -- I would keep asking them to stop. If they don't stop, you don't owe them an audience.

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kissbythebrooke•

I when I first started to be more out, I had a tendency to be kind of annoying about it, but I was just tired of being closeted and wanted to be recognized as what I am instead of being assumed to be straight all the time. So I just mentioned things about being bi a lot, to the point where my partner was definitely annoyed, even though they are very supportive.

I say this to show that maybe your friend is just in a phase where he's not sure how to be out and is reaching for a way to identify himself. (Definitely not saying being bi is a phase--being annoying about it probably is though). Just talk to him about your feelings. Make sure he understands that you're supportive, but you feel like he is trivializing your experience with these comments.

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stargazelle_OP•

I had a phase like that too, but I wasn’t as into the meme culture. I was more about proving I was bi to everyone else. Definitely makes sense.

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PrincessDie123Bisexual Genderqueer•

Idk if it’s biphobia but maybe chat with them about it and ask what their feelings are outside of memes, maybe frame it as checking in with them to see how they are doing and let them know how you feel about the memes.

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