What Does Discretion Mean these Days Anyway

I was approached the other day by a 'straight' guy on FetLife who said that all his life he felt that he should really be gay, but could never quite be comfortable doing something about it. He said discretion was a must for him. But he took the idea of discretion to a level I'd quite never seen before.

These days I think everyone is familiar with guys online who use a need for discretion as a reason to never show their faces or bodies on sites where virtually everyone else does. Or having their pictures taken. Or never wanting to go to a gay bar. They have a need to act gay but never be caught at it. Of course, some of them are cheating on wives or partners and many of us don't care.

But this poor guy had quite a list he needed to make his journey into the gay world acceptable. He wasn't comfortable coming to my place or inviting me to his place. He didn't want to meet in any bar or restaurant, even in the suburbs away from the city. It couldn't be in a car because you could be seen. It had to be in a park somewhere right after dusk so we couldn't be easily seen.

If we decided to do something, he wanted it understood that we couldn't kiss, he didn't want oral or anal, and but we could rub each others bodies. He was sure he would eventually loosen up if I worked with him. He was an x-marine with a very hot bod and sincere as hell about everything. I couldn't laugh at him because I didn't want to hurt him, but his needs were way above anything I could give him.

When I suggested that in the 21st century people just really don't care if you go to gay bars or not, or that being with a gay guy doesn't necessarily mark you as gay too, he couldn't buy it. He thought I was naive.

I have a good friend who is a therapist specializing in the gay BDSM Community. I suggested he chat with him. He said he'd think about it.

I have to admit, if someone says they have to be discrete, I tend to think that in the 21st century in most of the first world living part way in or out of the closet is outdated. Not that there aren't still places where you really have to be closeted to stay safe in other parts of the world. Like in the country's infected with religious fundamentalism .

But must of us aren't there, we're in places where almost embarrassing things are readily admitted to strangers online. So are we really all that 'Discrete'?