[553]All is Forgotten in Paradise

Need access.

The opening sentence lacks the punch. I would try to find a construction where you begin with “a wave swept a young girl away”; it is more impactful than having the two first clauses be adverb phrases. I’m not sure what to make of the plot. I lacked that connection between the opening lines; it built expectation—oh a mystery about some young girl swept away, oh, a man who was angry? This sounds neat. Then, puh—I get exposition about the uneventful summer, boredom, he suffers, learns how to fake a smile. What does this have to do with the opening? This disconnect really, really weakens the story. I won’t say that this story lacks action (it does), because I think I see what type of opening you’re going for, but you just need to cloak this introspection in the mystery of the opening paragraph. You must do that. Unless, why should a reader be interested in hearing the reminiscing of some guy?

The prose seems fine. I don’t think it is where it should be for the story you are going for (literary fiction?) but I don’t have too many problems with it as it is now. You can overdo dependent clauses though. E.g. your second paragraph is littered with them and makes it a tedious read. (Your second paragraph has 14 commas, third paragraph has 8, including semicolon). The third one felt easier to read. This is an area where you can improve, I think. You need to create that rhythm with your sentences, sometimes you want to have long ones—to draw out the reader, make them wish for reprieve. Then you give them a snap. Maybe two. Weave them back in, bring an extra clause. If you want, maybe two—maybe you think they are so good they deserve three—but what do I know? I don’t know your genre. I know I’m no expert at this myself though, but I’m telling you my reaction to reading it. There are plenty of resources about sentence structure. You’ll find ‘em with a quick google.

One glaring choice of word is the word disabled in “Disabled me to feel properly”. This sounds really strange and off. I did not see any other of those that just struck me. That’s good.

My overall opinion on this is that I lack the character and the plot to really make out any opinion. It just…is. The opening is great. Mysterious. But the rest of the work is not connected to that at all, and I don’t know what to make of it as one piece. I do not get any insight into the character other than he’s bored and learned how to fake a smile. He does not interact with anyone, does not do anything other than reminisce (which is fine, but remember—mystery), and he does not advance any sort of plot that would make me want to go to chapter two. I wouldn’t even know what to expect from chapter two, and that’s a huge issue.

Not sure what else to say. Just ask me any questions if you have, and I’ll try my best to answer. On a finishing note, you should fix the format: justify the text and double space it—makes it a whole lot easier for others to read (and is expected by agents, if you ever plan to query).

Critique

I like it, but it needs some ironing out. The middle is the best part, but the beginning is a little rough, and the end is vague. You can't be vague in the beginning because the reader already doesn't know what's going on. It's not a ghost story (I hope) it seems like the character is talking about ghosts (of his past at least). Make the character an active participant of his own story, even if it's just through memories.

Despite this being a short submission, I am unfortunately going to be marking this as leeching. Your critiques do not meet our effort standards. Their analysis is purely cursory, and often insufficiently substantiated. For example, you say "The pacing sees off to me", a broad claim applicable to the entire work, and then provide only a single example with little explanation.

Please go back and expand upon your critiques to have the leech mark removed. Here are two exemplar critiques for reference:

Exemplar 1

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Best of luck. Ping Mod-Mail when you're done, and one of us will remove the mark.