Hi! First off, Thanks so much for spending the time to read and give me your thoughts.

The confusion you experienced is not just you, I had some reservations about how I referred to the main character by many different monikers.  I will explain, however, that I have a personal distaste for constantly reading, "he said, he did" or "Bill said, Bill did".  Its a personal preference, but even i could tell that it muddied understanding a bit.

Also, you are correct that for one sentence you see from the cannibals eyes. 


Referring to him stabbing his knife at the watering hole, I intended for it to be read as a scrap was being windblown, and brushed his leg as it was being blown. But I realize, this probably needed more clarity. 

I will say, I intentionally leave character description low, because I dont want the characters to be the main focus, if that makes sense. Additionally...this is why the confusion comes in when I use the term, "the beast". Here, I am referring to the horse this 

Hey! This is my first in-depth critique, so don't think of my opinions as facts. I'll do my best, though. Hopefully, this will be enough to not deem me a leech.

Also, I left a few comments on Google Docs as Matizu Yes. Or it might display me as anonymous, I'm not sure.

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Alright, so on my first read, I decided to casually read through without analyzing too deeply. First, let me say, I often have trouble concentrating, and I had a slight headache, so I probably missed a lot of things. Even still, the chapter felt quite difficult to read. I kept having to go back over and over, and even still, a lot of things were quite difficult to understand. I felt like it kept jumping from scene to scene without explaining why stuff happened. (More on this later.)

About your prose, even without thoroughly analyzing the chapter, I noticed that you use a bit too many pronouns. You did have good sentences here and there, but too many kept starting with "he did something". Some variety would d

Thanks for sharing this story - I really enjoyed it!

I particularly liked the writing style you used here, a rough and ready, visceral poetry. Many times you quickly paint an effective picture in your distinctive narrative style. Cart wheels crushing dry rocks, rust-dulled spurs on dusty ground, the nocturnal chittering of too many legs - you have an enviable talent with words.

I think the part that could use the most work is the intro and conversation between the brothers. Firstly: the cowboy dialect is a little heavy, I think you could ease off the runnin' and bleedin' and cursin' and horin' and shootin' a bit and let the individual characters shine. We get it: cowboys!  
Check out the scripts from the excellent TV show Deadwood for some inspiration:  
[http://turtlegirl76.com/deadwood/indexOLD.htm](http://turtlegirl76.com/deadwood/indexOLD.htm)

There also isn't a lot to distinguish the two brothers or make us care about them as individual characters, they shout at each other and 

 Hi there! This is a short story I wrote as part of a friendly competition to inspire me and my buddy to write more. Please give me any and all input. 
Thanks!

My last post was tagged leeching due to insufficient critique. Hopefully these are sufficient.


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https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-qRGsXruu_1gZ5k1yo-8hYqmqkzVk9uh/edit?usp=drivesdk&amp;ouid=102121017449672462869&amp;rtpof=true&amp;sd=true


Here are my critiques: 

https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/p7cnv6/comment/h9pyixw/

https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/pbfynm/comment/hai9ghl/

[2198] The Letter "D" (NSFW)