Untitled (Based off “The Scarlet Ibis” by James Hurst)

Oh, hi there; didn't see you! You've reached r/OCPoetry. This is a workshop site where you can share, read, and talk about eachother's poetry & etc. To post your own poems, you need to give feedback to 2 other writers. If you aren't trying to share, you're encouraged to give feedback, but aren't required. Try to be nice, questioning, and specific. If you can't do that - eat a cabbage and come back later. Try to give feedback to a writer without any feedback. Lastly, read our feedback guide , other writer's comments, or this author’s feedback links. If you still aren't sure whether your comments are useful ‘feedback’, or you have any other questions, send us a modmail!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

Okay, my major feedback is gonna revolve on lack of imagery and specificity.

The imagery you've got — "The Hostile Rain which falls so cold / Creates a path of bloodstained trail" — is not neither vivid nor particularly engaging. What does the rain taste like, when you open your mouth to cry out? What is reflected in those "fearful eyes" that's inspiring this emotion? Can the narrator see themselves, or is the absence of anything the frightening thing? To give this poem some umph you gotta expand on these images to support your poetic thesis.

This transitions to my second point: specificity. The Scarlet Ibis is about one very clear, singular moment captured through prose, and the scene you're describing (Doodle's death) is a culmination of the entire text's emotional investment AND context. However, without the associated links to Hurst's work, your poem is pretty esoteric. I encourage you to both a) separate this poem more from Hurst, and b) make this moment more specific. Why is the narrator sorrowful? What is he feeling beyond sadness? Is there anything unique to your reading of the original that you want to share / development?

Overall your poem isn't bad by any measure, but I encourage you to try to push past using the work of others in order to capture stuff with your own authentic voice.