Source
r/OCPoetry•
Different_Speaker389

First post: a short, simple poem from a recent short story I wrote (untitled)

For whom I lay the flowers down:

There’ll be no wedding bells or crown.

Thine wilted hearth remain unsown;

Seasons lost and days unknown.

A child here has died today,

For thee I hang the flowers down.

​

Context: Hey y'all, happy to be here :) I wrote this poem about the death of children, as I have just recently thought of the idea of hanging flowers upside down to symbolize continued growth in the afterlife (petals to the grave, roots to heaven).

​

Feedback:

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/pcrte1/starry_eyes/

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/pcr423/live_fast_die_young_bad_bees_do_it_well/

Posted Aug 27, 2021, 5:42 PM UTC

89
Felouria•

Ok, I will say what you have written is really great. But when I read the context, I feel that the poem can be much more. I love the idea of flowers hanging down symbolizing continued death in the afterlife, it's an amazing thought. But I feel the poem doesn't fully explain this. It doesn't necessarily have to, but the image is so beautiful I personally feel you should. Explain it in the poem. Still, for what it is, its a great poem. I love your style a lot, its very old fashioned (in a good way).

So, I don't know. The poem is still great on its own and I almost want to say don't change it because its so good as it is. It's really up to you, I would try adding a few more lines, but not too much, maybe even just one or two extra lines, because this poem has power in its short length i think. If you can't figure it out, just leave it as you've written here. It's really up to you.

2
Different_Speaker389OP•

Thanks for the reply! I like the thought of expanding it as its own piece. For my story it was left deliberately short, old-fashioned, and plainly sad. I think a more uplifting, expanded version would be kind of cool.

1
jameskorver•

Nice one, definitely brings out some emotions - personally not always a fan of some of the more archaic language however it seems to work well in the context of this poem! Keep up the good work brother

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Different_Speaker389OP•

Thanks for the reply! I find it hard to find honest critique sometimes. In the story, the poem is supposed to be a rough translation of an "old Gaelic sorrow", hence the archaic language. I will keep this in mind with other poems I write though :)

1
SafeGuard52•

I find this very touching. simple yet quite capturing. Each word exercises itself with a very concise purpose and while serving to deliver the entire message as a whole while not breaking the emotional trends that the message sets whilst reading. The message is quite evoking and while clear the emotions conveyed are quite clear leaving the reader to empathies and process within themselves as though its is them having gone through such a peril. I like this one very much, thank you.

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Different_Speaker389OP•

Very kind of you to say so! My favorite poems tend to be relatively short, frank, and packed with emotion, so this is also something I strive for in my own writing. I'd like it to read almost like an old saying from your tired grandparents while you're sitting next to them on the porch. It was my pleasure to share it with you :)

1
TuttleDotCom•

Awesome!! Always love the poetry that uses old english!!

2
Different_Speaker389OP•

Happy to oblige :)

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