I just replied with a full critique that also mentioned threadbare characterization, though I didn't read this comment before I wrote mine. Why do you think drunk people can't show character traits?

You've got a valid point, maybe I should add a bit more interesting dialogue. It would have to be earlier, though since they are a bit too drunk right now.

I guess the prologue would make you slightly more interested since you'd know what's about to happen, but I can't say for sure. Well, if you don't have similar opinions about it as well, that is.

I wouldn't start on the waking up point, as the two characters get separated for a long time, but do meet later on. It would be odd for the main character to just meet one of his friends without context. 

Anyway, thanks for the feedback! I'll try to work on this.

Please don't take what I say personally. 

Why should I care about Cole and Abner? Given that I didn't read the prologue, yet I have no context on these characters and they don't really express any qualities except being wasted or wanted to be wasted. Their interactions aren't really interesting. I would honestly consider beginning where Abner is waking up, and I don't usually suggest waking up as a starting point. Here, it makes sense though.

Edit: spelling

Thanks a lot for taking your time on this! Doesn't seem like you went easy on me, and I'm glad for that. I'll just respond in order so you get my thought process. I must say, I was expecting this to be bad, but I'm still kind of overwhelmed when I try to think of fixing this with your advice. Time for a second re-write then, I guess.

I do watch quite a bit of anime, and this is inspired by them for sure, but I do prefer watching more serious anime where they act a bit more like people rather than cliches. I tried to avoid writing stuff like that, but admittedly, I might have failed on that part.

I do know about the anime you're talking about, but I did actually come up with this title myself. Then 30 seconds later, I noticed the resemblance but went on with it anyway.

I only recently started writing and reading books, so I didn't realize a scene drinking could be kind of generic. Now that you point it out, I see that it probably is.

Okay, now that you explained it, I get why my cha

Title:
-“The Devil is a Stoner” felt very anime-y to me, so I checked the comments of your prologue post to see if anyone else had similar thoughts. Seeing there that it’s meant to be isekai seems to jive with my initial impression (meaning that it ‘fits’ the genre, I suppose), even if it’s not really for me. With that said, if your target audience is manga/anime fans and you have a title SO close to a current popular manga/anime (“The Devil is a Part-Timer!”) then that concerns me on a couple separate levels.

-Conversely, I love “Where the Fuck Am I?” as a chapter 1 title. It’s punchy and sets the tone.

Plot/Hook:
-You spent your whole first page in a generic drinking scene, without any setting/character descriptions or plot setting. I feel like from “Give him another shot!” to “Damn, is he really out?” could be condensed into one or two paragraphs if you cut the drinking buddy dialogue (that doesn’t add to either of their character’s/the story -- we already know they like getting “

Actually, I think the other commenter and I agree on most major points. Their critique just tends to point out instances of a mistake and why it's bad, whereas mine is less specific/explained but gives pointers about how to fix it

Agreed that the biggest barriers to success here are general cliche and shallow characterization. If you cut the fluff as the other commenter suggested and use that space to give Abner and Cole space to show their personalities in interesting (and unexpected!) ways, you can fix all the major issues in one fell swoop.

Thanks for taking your time writing this! I'm glad you found some positives after the other commenter thoroughly destroyed the whole thing. I feel like you're giving me a bit too much credit, though.

I've edited a lot of these things after posting, and I'd like to say some are fixed, but it still needs polishing.

I agree that my grammar could use some work. I probably should have mentioned that English isn't my first language, but I won't use that as an excuse.

I guess my characters are still the biggest problem here. I admit I suck at adding tropes to people's speech other than politeness. Then again, I only started two months ago, and I will have plenty of time to learn.

After re-thinking the characters, I tried actually going for something like you said with their relationship. Cole provokes Abner to do stupid shit, here it's drinking way too much, and Abner accepts. One, because he's too drunk for decisions, but also, because he wants his friend to have a good time. It's just d

GENERAL REMARKS

So overall, I think you have a quite a few things working for you. However, this is a pretty rough draft, and it still needs attention to not only language conventions (mostly punctuation and verb tenses) but also development of character and voice.

I get the sense that you’re a “skinny” drafter – meaning that you expand/flesh out your work as you draft, instead of trimming like I do. I’ll focus on areas that I think could use this treatment.

MECHANICS

First off, kind of love the title. Lets you know exactly what you’re getting into in terms of genre, voice, and sense of humor… and it’s original (EDIT: at least to me, I don't watch much isekai), which is always nice.

The writing voice *almost* delivers on the promise made by your title. This stripped-down, fast-paced prose is appropriate for the genre and keeps things moving. However, I’d like to see a little more of the ballsiness of the title in your voice. Take, for example:

> Cole and his friend, Abner, were o

You seem to have similar thoughts as the previous commenters did. After taking their advice, I edited the chapter accordingly but didn't update it here to not change the word count too much. If you want to check it out then do PM.

Thanks for the feedback, though!

This doesn't draw me in. I don't care about Cole or Abner. Maybe I'm not your audience, but who is? I don't know a lot of big partiers who read a lot, and even if someone who parties like this is a reader, why would they want to read about this. What's the extra something that makes me want to keep reading: the question, the mystery. You start to have one with the ending where he isn't sure where he is and definitely isn't in the house anymore. But that's it. I don't know what's mysterious about that, which is what I'm going for. Is there something else that he is going to find or see or something dangerous that's going to threaten him? The reader has to care about the character enough to want to know what happens to them--even if they aren't sympathetic. This doesn't make me care.

Thanks a whole lot for writing these! You are correct in that I am still a new author. As I mentioned, I started two months ago, and English is my second language. I still got plenty of time to learn.

A common complaint here was that the characters are too boring for the reader to care about them. I'm thinking, you were too focused on the prose to start thinking about the plot, which is understandable.

I actually edited the first chapter quite heavily with the characters in mind, and it's a lot better now, in my opinion. Though, I would assume the prose still has similar problems. If you want to quickly check it out, then do pm.

I definitely need to do that with the prologue as well, it seems. I agree, I was quite vague with a lot of my descriptions, especially. 

But again, thanks for taking your time!

I don't mean to be a nitpick Nancy:

>One stoned out of his mind, the other shitface drunk.

But don't people just say, "he was shitfaced"? That already means the person was super drunk, right? You didn't say he was "stoned *high* out of his mind." You just said, "He was stoned (out of his mind)," because that already means the person is high. So I would think you would just say, "One stoned out of his mind, the other shitfaced (insert cool modifier here)." Oh well. Crazy jargon, I guess, lol.

\~\~\~

Typically, authors will write three letters so that it's not mistaken for a typo:

>“Aand, now he’s gone.”  
>  
>“Aaand, now he’s gone.”

You should capitalize brands and companies:

>~~uber~~ Uber

Why didn't you say he was baked *high*?:

>While Cole was practically sober compared to Abner, he was still quite baked.

Okay. Deactivating nitpick Nancy mode.

\~\~\~

Try to limit *began to, started to,* and the like. You often don't need them:

>Cole began inhaling the smoke, only to sta

This is half of the first chapter of my first novel, The Devil is a Stoner. I posted the [prologue](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/pcqz49/1186_the_devil_is_a_stoner_prologue/) earlier, so if you want to check that out, go ahead.

Again, I'm looking for tips on anything you think needs to be addressed.

[Link](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Gx67c6VrC_xuHTiT2wJQyhB1SOcRro32AG01ccgOZ0E/edit?usp=sharing)

[My critique](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/pcefh0/2198_the_letter_d_nsfw/hakl1wo?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3) (1012 left)

Thanks for all the responses! I have now heavily edited the chapter after your feedback. The word count is a lot bigger now, so I won't ask for critiques on this, but [here's](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1H18M33GIaZxVbNiUbJo8wtAYM5ERReVpdAulXuEMo5s/edit?usp=sharing) the link anyway.

[856] The Devil is a Stoner, Chapter 1