Seems to me I need to better balance how I show vs tell. I mention this first because the part about the MC not wanting to look at the creature's eyes was about overwhelming anxiety, and the character not wanting to lose his focus at the wrong time amidst a horde. This wasn't evident, probably because I didn't give much context about the monsters themselves to begin with. 

Since this whole series of events is part of a larger story the nature of the monsters will later become apparent. I know for sure though that I have to make the monsters' nature clear early on regardless of how I choose to do it. If you're curious, they're their own version of >!zombies!<.

I'll keep your critiques in mind for the future. Thanks for commenting.

Don't forget your oxford commas!

I enjoyed the overall idea you have here, and I think there is potential in this story.  I initially was typing up some edits on the first section that's told in first person, but honestly after reading the entire thing I would just delete that first section.  It doesn't really forward the story, and thus is unneeded.  Also, instead of telling your audience "I am alone and fine with that," it's always better to *show* that your character feels that way.  I would start the story with "The message laid still"

Make sure you keep similar thoughts in the same paragraph.  Your first two could be combined into a single paragraph and tidied up, with more detail added.  I do like your line about the vertical line flashing in and out of existence.  I would suggest rewriting it a bit, perhaps something like "A vertical line flashed in and out of existence at the end of a message  that had been typed on the screen.  Whatever meaning that message was supposed to c

Very thorough writeup below. That was great to read.



# **Setting**

> The message laid still, imprinted upon the lingering light of a backlit screen

I'm calling this setting because there hasn't been any 'present setting' so far and I was getting worried. So this ties back to my earlier point, starting with hello world could be an overture to the idea that it's all fake. That means this laptop could be a big plot point to your story but I'm unsure if you accidentally struck gold or if you intended to. 

> them.

This is a good place for italics

> blotting out the horizon as far as the eye could see

Double phrase (bad) also, you haven't described them at all. Or even how dark it is, as an excuse not to. And where are all the senses? Visuals, yeah, but is that it? Are you just a pair of eyeballs?

> But then 

And then and then, re: chronology

> some of

Passive, some? Stop. Commit. "The monsters ..."

> general direction

General direction? Lol. At him. Be direct. 

> they fixated on him with blank eyes

See!!! You can do it. 

> As

# **Mechanics / Description**

>  just a survivor, but the only

Just want to quickly note that double italics in your (almost) first sentence feels excessive. If every word is rich, then no word is rich, right? 

> At least, I am as far as I know

Another minor point but... Hear me out. You start your story with a point of exposition, you then go on to misdirect it twice with "not just" and "at least" which I think detract from the readers trust in your narration. Plus, too much misdirection and the story begins to feel winding and unordered. 

>  If not, 

You aren't strictly being passive but, almost. The constant "two words, comma stuff here" makes your narration feel undramatic. Let me show you what I mean:

> "They'll be dead soon."

versus

> "If not, they'll be dead sometime soon."

I think sometimes the word economy of a sentence and writing piece can be its own technique. So, you can explain something important (like the premise that he is a survivor) and then end it abruptly


# **Intro**


> Hello world 


So before I start, I just want to say I can really appreciate your first line. I would call it almost brilliant if only you knew why and had used it correctly. 

So firstly, here is an explanation from wikipedia.

"A "Hello, World!" program generally is a computer program that outputs or displays the message "Hello, World!". Such a program is very simple in most programming languages, and is often used to illustrate the basic syntax of a programming language. It is often the first program written by people learning to code"

So when I first saw this I thought wow, that's a neat idea. It's one I had used myself in a short story, actually! But you wrote it wrong and I'm not sure you even intended it to be a reference or hint to anything else. It should be, "Hello, world!" 

Though, obviously, to use this line you are suggesting that all is not as it seems. Is this entire story a simulation, etc?

To be honest. I was bored by the end. You have some bad habits and I have done my best to expose them to you brutally and frequently. You started off (the first two words) brilliantly and it just progressively declined. You used comical words (juggling) which were totally thematically inappropriate. You used chronology far too often and did not seem to realise that the reader assumes time happens between one sentence and the next. Your narration was awfully passive, with this habit of telling the story like it was about another story rather than just telling us *the* story. On the minor end, a lot of badverbs (just don't use them till you figure out the other stuff more). I don't actually know if you used **any** senses except visual, and if you did it was so inept that I didn't notice. You did not describe the monsters almost at all, but this might be deliberate and brilliant if what you're really doing is calling humans monsters and the main character is a robot re: "hello, world" wh

Thanks! I'm definitely feeling more comfortable with the way I write. So far it seems I need to adjust the way I balance certain elements, but I think I'm getting there. I'm excited because soon enough I won't have to worry as much about the quality of what I'm writing, and can focus more on the content itself instead.

Also, thanks for the tip on the strengths vs weaknesses thing. Right now I'm trying to do my best to increase the quality of my writing as much as possible, and hopefully I'll get to that level soon enough. 

Cheers!

Not a full crit!

I’ve read some of your other stuff and read some of this and I agree you are improving!! That’s 90% of what I wanted to say.

The other 10% — be careful doing more of what you are doing right, it can be like putting too much salt on food, I speak from experience. I would focus on improving the weak areas not adding in more of your strengths. For ex if you feel strong at description adding more and more description can make it too, well, descriptive, mess with the pacing etc. learn from my mistake so you don’t have to repeat it

Actually did a crit of the first iteration of this in January, and yeah, I'd say there is improvement. 

That being said, I'd advise against getting complacent when worrying about the quality of what you write v. the content itself. You'll always need to balance your idea against the conventions of the medium. A lot of new writers get caught up in an awesome idea they've constructed and fall into the trap of writing only because they want to deliver that idea. To guarantee competency, you might just need to be *more* passionate for the nitty gritty of prose than you are to the story you're trying to tell. After all, authors write multiple stories, but the skillset they employ is universal. Take away a single publication and some value is lost; kill the inherent quality of the writing and it's all ruined (for me, anyway). 

I don't think you're close to the point where you can afford to focus more on content. I'm not sure if such a point even exists, for anyone. My $0.02—

Not a full cr

Hey!

This is my first ever critique, so be a little easy on me if it isn't in depth as some of the other comments, but I really like what you have going here. Making a post apocalyptic story nowadays can be a trying task. With so many types of stories being overdone, it's difficult to be original. So what's the best way to keep the reader involved right off the bat? Exactly what you did! Putting the reader right into the action at the beginning will make the reader think about exactly what is going on! There were a few things I feel like you should change/adjust, but I don't have much more than what was already said. So without further ado, here we go:

&#x200B;

>If I seem uncaring about the lives of others then that's because I am

Right before this sentence, you mention how Tomas is the only character living in the city. While I assume there were living people before the events of your novel, it'd be nice to give a brief description as to what happened. Whether it be a brief senten

This one. But if we keep replying it'll be too big to fail.

Nothing in this post was meant as a joke. I really did mean that I felt I was getting significantly better by posting here. The whole 'tenfold' thing was hyperbolic but it was not said in jest. I pay no mind to comments like these usually but I don't want people to get the wrong idea about what I meant. Have a good day.

The OP said their writing skills level up tenfold every time they post here.

Hi. I'm actually starting to feel a bit proud of the way I write. Every time I post something on here I feel like my writing skills level up tenfold. This is just another iteration in the process.

As for the story itself I think it stands on its own well enough to be a short story. Doesn't need much context to be understood, or at least that was part of the intention I had when writing it. 

&amp;#x200B;

What I'm looking for in terms of criticism:

* How's the prose? 
* What do you feel I'm doing right that I should do more of?
* Are there any mistakes I make that repeat themselves (plot, grammar, etc.)?
* Did the intensity of the scene come across as such?
* Any other criticisms I'd appreciate

&amp;#x200B;

My story:  
[To The City (Excerpt)](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Z5B3kQdXizg_3O5Gjofp6A5ZvjvHq_BMktthOQpQFtw/edit?usp=sharing)

My critique:  
[1751](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/pimffq/1751_goodbye_horses/hbxl8i0/?context=3)

[1687] To The City (Excerpt)