[1577] Goodbye Horses, Part 2. (First Draft)

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I'm drawn to stories like this -- most of what I write is about strange and disturbed people. This was right up my alley, though I think there are some things you can do to improve it.

I'll get my biggest nitpick out of the way. Your first sentence:

He slowly undressed and put her clothes back in the closet, careful to leave everything as close to how he found it as possible.

I think this is a strong first impression, it instantly sets the tone and grabs our attention. My only gripe is that the end of the sentence reads clunkily, and I think can be simplified. "Careful to leave everything as he found it" flows better. Again, this is a complete nitpick and I don't mean intend for the rest of my critique to focus on the minutiae, but seeing as this is the very first sentence, I think it warrants it.

You have a pared down, minimalist writing style. I tend to write the same way. It's immediate, which is good. But I do think you can expand on what you have in some cases to paint a clearer picture, and add some flavor.

He heard the music downstairs… he had gotten to know her taste in music pretty well.

What kind of music? You go on to elaborate that she listens to European metal, but I don't see any reason to split this point into two separate paragraphs with a timejump between them. Additionally, you can use the moment to do some scene setting. What does the music sound like coming up through the attic -- is it all bass? What does the narrator think of her taste? I think you can keep your pared-down style while still fleshing out the scene some more.

A few long red hairs clung to the counter. He picked them up and ran them through his fingers, wondering what kind of spell could be cast with them.

Love this. We're getting a peek inside the head of the narrator. What's his fascination with her?

He ran the string of the thong through his fingers much like he had done with her hair in the bathroom.

This reads a little like a textbook to me. This is another moment you could be more evocative, I feel. What's the sensation of the undies going through his fingers? Does he feel lust, or are they sacred to him?

I like how you build character for the woman he's stalking. The mystery surrounding her incense burning, fascination with the color black, the wolf knife, etc adds a new dimension to the story. Perhaps she's just as unhinged as the narrator is.

What I'd really like to see more of in this piece is the narrator's perspective. You hint at some things about him: being raised to fear witchcraft, a friend named Dave, perhaps a trip down south and a meeting with a gypsy. There's clearly a greater story with him, but I'd also like to see the prose bring out his personality. I think there's things you could be doing with word choice and description to better clarify the type of obsession he has with the woman.

There are hints of this, such as the sex fantasy passage where he wants to "lap up her juices" as she swallows him. That paints a picture of his mental state. I think you can go further and hint about how he knows this woman, and if she knows he exists. The sex he wants to have with her is violent, but does he have other violent intentions? Does he plan on killing this woman?

Overall I think this is a decent piece and I'm interested in learning more about the woman and what secrets she hides. This is decently written, but I wouldn't describe it as captivating quite yet. I think if you were to sit down and really polish the prose, making sure every sentence reveals character or utilizes the narrator's voice, it would make for a more interesting read. As it is, I think you have a good concept that needs a little seasoning.

Hi. I'm reading this just to get context for your latest post, "Courage," so I'm not writing a critique. But a couple of things bear mentioning, apart from saying this is powerful writing, like your others.

First, I don't get the title at all.

Second, it's really clear that the MC isn't supposed to be in most of the house. Presumably he rents an attic room? Or she lets him stay? But the restrictions on using the kitchen and bathroom are a little strange. This could use a little bit of setup.