Thanks for all the feedback, really appreciated! Given me a lot of useful insights. I've gone over it tonight and have taken on board a lot of the feedback I've received from yourself and others on here. I think it's in a pretty good place now and Daniel is much more likeable. Check it out via the same link from the post if you want to :)

Interesting story. I'll go through my thoughts chronologically:

> Daniel hoped there would soon be a whole family of juicy, black parasites hanging from the belly of his dog.

What an opening sentence. It's pretty revolting, and instantly sets an idea in our head about the type of person Daniel is. You go on to clarify that he's a leech hunter, but regardless of his profession, I think Dan is a pretty gross fella. To hunt for leeches is one thing, but to use his dog as a harvesting tool is another. Not saying this is a bad move: if you're going for a creepy anti-hero type thing, I think this works. In fact, it's a very strong character trait for him. At some point, though, if you want to win us over, Dan's going to need to do something nice for that dog!

> Blood in a leech meant food in their stomachs.

Need some clarity here. I thought this was a tautological statement at first. I read it as "blood in a leech means blood in a leech." Reading it again, I realize you mean that Dan is 

Well, the first line certainly caught my attention! That's a pretty good opening, though I'm not sure the comma after *"juicy"* is helpful for the flow of the sentence, and the following sentences in the paragraph are disjointed. *"Slowly draining her vital fluids."* on its own isn't a complete sentence, even if you can make sense of it in context, and it feels like it could just be appended to the end of the previous sentence with no drawback. The same goes for *"Focused on his plucking."* later in the excerpt.

Regarding the title, I'm not sure how much leeches will play into the rest of the work or how important they are in the world, so I can't comment on how appropriate it is as a whole, but I suppose it works well enough as a chapter title. As a title for the whole work, though, it seems a little mundane or over-specific, so unless the story is entirely about the mercantile struggles of a leech-seller and his struggle against bloodsucking tax collectors, I might consider somethin

One thing that I forgot to add... It might look a bit less cruel if we know in the first paragraph that this is how they make their living.  His dog having a bellyfull of leeches means that once they're sold they'll both have a bellyfull of food.

Thanks a lot, just had a look and ammended those few little bits, thanks for pointing them out  :)

Yeah, It comes across as cruel. He does love her. The rest of the story is going to involve them being together a lot and it's going to be very very clear that he cares about her.  I did a bit of research on medieval leech collecting and it's generally painless, so I'm going to mention that later. Too many leeches on you for too long results in dangerous levels of blood loss but other than that it's quite safe. I'm trying to look at it from the perspective of an actual medieval peasant trying to make a living in a bleak world, rather than through the eyes of a modern person with modern sensibilities. It's rough and unpleasant but he can't get enough leeches to sell by himself due to the blood loss.

If Nick knows Daniel, why did he start by calling him leech collector? - Friendly banter.

&#x200B;

I'd recommend going through some of the critiques on other posts and having a look at  the

I made a few minor corrections in the document.  There were a few things I misread on the first readthrough, but I think that was my fault.

I can't tell if Daniel feels sorry for what he is putting that dog through.  He's talking like he might care, or he might just be trying to convince the dog that he doesn't care more about the leaches.

I like how wordy you got with the descriptions.

If Nick knows Daniel, why did he start by calling him leech collector?

I'm unpracticed at this, so can I have my critique lightly critiqued?

**Overall Thoughts**

OK! Thanks for posting your writing. For me, this was a fairly repugnant concept that was nonetheless executed in a readable and competent manner. My writeup is coloured somewhat by the other critiques I scanned, particularly the guy who thinks your piece is an elaborate bit of trolling, although I think I probably disagree there. It also seems like you’re actively editing the doc as I look at it, since a few new paragraphs just appeared, so some of this might not make sense in a future context.

**Pacing and Structure**

So we have just one scene here, with a dude picking leeches off his poor (volunteer?) dog out in a bog. Eventually his friend Nick shows up at the end to fall down and complain like a wet blanket. I found it easy enough to follow along. I think you have the right balance between description and action in general.

**Writing Mechanics and Flow**

Some of the sentence fragments near the beginning threw me off:

> A whole community of them, dangling

I'll see about checking it out when I get home. For the record, I didn't find him that appalling necessarily since I'm not exactly sure how painful it is to be leeched and he might very well have real motivations to get leeches and no better means about doing than making his dog have a swim. Haha. He might easily make up for this craziness in other chapters.

Thanks for all the feedback, really appreciated and I'm glad you enjoyed it at least a bit! You've Given me a lot of useful insights. I've gone over it tonight and have taken on board a lot of the feedback I've received from yourself and others on here. I think it's in a pretty good place now and Daniel is much more likeable. Check it out via the same link from the post if you want to :)

Wow, what an awfully good first sentence. It just got worse and worse. Anybody can write juicy black parasites, but harvesting them out of the belly of a dog is such an awful vivid image. I guess I'm hooked on the writing already, though my mom would not be.   


Throughout what I suppose is an unfinished chapter, the writing was very vivid and creative. The vocabulary was for the most part super interesting, with few exceptions—there must be a word to replace soon-to-be income—and I very much enjoyed learning about this leech hunter and sympathizing with his poor pup.

I have no idea what happened toward the end or the purpose of the second human. He arrives and I suppose you're using creative language when you say he collapses to the ground. I thought he was passing out and going to drown in the bog. Not sure why he cannot breathe or what he's doing here.  


My appreciation for MC is contingent on how much money he reels in with simple fat leeches, and how much suffering the poor do

This is by no means finished but I just wanted to get a feel for what people thought about this short excerpt. Not much there yet but I'd like to know what you think about the tone, prose, character and descriptions. I worry it might be a bit wordy at times.

It is a dark fantasy set in a fictional medieval world.

&amp;#x200B;

Thanks in advance

&amp;#x200B;

\[ Chapter 1 Excerpt, 881 words\]

[https://docs.google.com/document/d/1mLPrs57qgdl92u0SdSCkVmVBC\_cQyyU\_gHJ-h-5nJSg/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1mLPrs57qgdl92u0SdSCkVmVBC_cQyyU_gHJ-h-5nJSg/edit?usp=sharing)

&amp;#x200B;

&amp;#x200B;

(Critique, 1577 words)

[https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/pmeels/1577\_goodbye\_horses\_part\_2\_first\_draft/](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/pmeels/1577_goodbye_horses_part_2_first_draft/)

[881] Untitled - Chapter 1 (Looking for Leeches - First Draft)