I think the premise is really promising, and the first line is nice and hooky. The rest of the chapter doesn't pull me in, though, for a few reasons.

The main one is emotion. I have no sense of who the character is. How do they feel about moving near the wall? How do they feel about the authorities? They like the monkeys, but even that is conveyed in a pretty dry way. The whole time they're investigating this really weird thing, all I feel like I'm getting is a bullet list of facts. They're curious about the orb, but is that all? Eventually you get to "my curiosity came from misery," and maybe what I'm interpreting as dryness you intended as bleakness, but it isn't really coming across that way. Possibly it would work better in something other than the first scene, when I already have some more information to anchor me in the world and the character. The end in particular is really anticlimactic to me. If I found a weird, unidentifiable orb buried in the garden that turned out to be s


# **Setting**

> a short walk from the wall surrounding Terminus

I have absolutely no clue what 'the surrounding terminus' means in this context given that you capitalised the word to suggest it's ... a city? But how can it be worth mentioning if its 'surrounding' but you live in a 'abandonded neighborhood'. I don't like that you've spent your first few words telling us one thing several times and doing little to make us care. 

> We were the interlopers

Putting this in setting but could be in mechanics. You're using a new word and giving us little to go on here, and then moving on straight away. That is a good way to annoy the reader. 

> and not just because they peed on those they didn’t like.

This is funny but it's making me wonder whether this piece is intended to be more light hearted than I first realised. Some of your word combinations are comedic, spied spider for instance.

> saw me and froze, judging in a moment that I was no threat.

You're showing us, then telling us. 

# **First impressions**

The story narration feels totally flat, uninspired and even hilariously bad in parts. In fact, I am half convinced it is supposed to be a comedy? I'll get back to that later.  But I think you realise a lot of your own flaws, which is good, because I can see you amending them in parts. E.g. poor sentence openers, subtext, showing things. You often write something well and then ruin it with the next sentence. I think it shows a lack of faith in your own writing / or the reader ability to infer. You need to write this story without worrying about things being missed. The human brain is impressive. Trust it. I wanted to discuss your story and overarching flaws more, but I found a lot of them were just basic. Common. And endless. 

# **Mechanics / Description**

> "I decided to live near the wall."

This is an **okay** opener. There is **some** mystery here, some intrigue. But you have to (very quickly) give me something interesting for me to care about some 'wall'.

To open, this is my first critique in this sub. I am not technical, but I hope you find the thought of a casual reader helpful.

The chapter overall felt interesting. It builds up a premise of the setting and let me peek into a daily scene, intruded by a strange orb. A lot of information is left unknown but, in my opinion, that leaves ample room to explore them later down the line.

Despite saying that, I found some rather vague scenes and direction taken. The introduction opened with the protag choosing to live near the wall, no occupied houses nearby. Already I have to choose an imagery - is this person living in a shack next to the wall? Are they homeless and just live out in the open? What kind of wall is this; a wall tall enough to touch the clouds or long enough to stretch the earth? The premise is Sci-fi, but a "Great Wall of China" gives off a different feel from an "Attack on Titan" wall. Both can be used in sci-fi to depict different atmospheres, I think.

The protag spotted 

This is the first chapter of a sci-fi novel. 

Is it intriguing? Mysterious? Is it too mysterious--I mean, am I not giving the reader enough information?


How do you like the ending of the chapter, and the beginning?

Is there anything that needs clarification?

Any other comments welcome (pacing, phrasing, word choice, etc.). 


Thank you for your time. 

EDIT: Link removed. 


Links to critiques:

[[508]](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/pqqtcz/508_ayo_and_the_sea_of_lamentations/hdhdprs/)

[[1103]](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/pqczca/1103_solar_harvest/hdeuj62/)

[1216] Orb