Source
r/OCPoetry•
asearchforyou

The Criminals of Blue River Indiana

William Penn Truebloods' home doesn't look like much to the naked eye.

Five windows proportionally surround a central door

on a two story, side gabled, white house in the plainest of federalist styles.

However, if you could see through the front wall to the blueprint,

you'd notice some highly suspect deviations.

For example, in a closet on the second floor and in the basement,

there are hidden doors that lead to narrow, hidden passageways,

and each narrow, hidden passageway leads to a windowless room full of comfortable bunk beds.

​

Have you guessed what crime the Truebloods were committing?

William Penn and his nonviolent brothers in faith were human traffickers.

They smuggled runaway property to maple sugar promised lands of opportunity and freedom.

The next stop was in Seymour. The stop after that was in Azalia.

1 2

Posted Sep 21, 2021, 12:37 PM UTC

136
asearchforyouOP•

"Since 1776, Quakers had forbid their members from owning slaves and were advocates for equality, regardless of sex or race. Quakers became part of the underground railroad because they were convinced that they were right in God's sight, even though they knew they were breaking man-made laws."

4
LincolnWasALiberal•

This is a nice little part of history you brought to life, search! I never knew the Quakers opposed slavery. And I like how you don't immediate reveal it. Instead, you masterfully set the scene and drag the reader into the world by describing a house with peculiar features, leaving one to wonder why this house is important. This makes the actual reveal in stanza two so much more powerful. Kind of like a mic drop. Opening the stage curtains. I'm a big fan of this one. Great writing.

3
bootstraps17•

Great stuff! Love me a little history lesson dressed up in poesy. And being a student of American architecture, I can see the house very clearly. I have a couple of suggestions if I may. Most likely you'll reject them, lol, but here goes:

Would you consider moving the second line of the second stanza north and making it the opening line of the piece? That would make it a hard slap in the face and drag the reader into the poem. Then, you could do away with the question, "Have you guessed...", as well as allow you move the final two lines up to join the first stanza.

Boots

2
asearchforyouOP•

Would you consider moving the second line of the second stanza north and making it the opening line of the piece? That would make it a hard slap in the face and drag the reader into the poem. Then, you could do away with the question, "Have you guessed...", as well as allow you move the final two lines up to join the first stanza.

Interesting! I will strongly consider these suggestions. Thank you, Boots.

1
CaesarTheFirst1•

Very pretty, thank you for the history lesson.

William Penn and his nonviolent brothers in faith were human traffickers.

They smuggled runaway property to maple sugar promised lands of opportunity and freedom.

Clever two lines that fool you and reveal the trick. I do wonder what it would look like if you fooled the reader for longer?

2
AutoModeratorMOD•

Oh, hi there; didn't see you! You've reached r/OCPoetry. This is a workshop site where you can share, read, and talk about eachother's poetry & etc. To post your own poems, you need to give feedback to 2 other writers. If you aren't trying to share, you're encouraged to give feedback, but aren't required. Try to be nice, questioning, and specific. If you can't do that - eat a cabbage and come back later. Try to give feedback to a writer without any feedback. Lastly, read our feedback guide , other writer's comments, or this author’s feedback links. If you still aren't sure whether your comments are useful ‘feedback’, or you have any other questions, send us a modmail!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

1