> is the story amusing/funny? Is it offensive? Just okay? What do you think about the ending and the language used there?

I didn't think the story was amusing or funny, it came off to me more as mean-spirited. I definitely think there would be a good amount of people who would read it and take offense, although I didn't find it personally offensive. As /u/lightfarming pointed out already, "floopy" doesn't make a lot of sense in the ending, unless that is some Alabama slang. Here it just sounds like trying to be offensive.

> The main character telling the story is from Alabama. How is her accent?

I read through the story before the questions, and until I read this question I had no idea she was from Alabama. Again, awkward word choices have already been pointed out. Only one that I saw is "mental arithmetic" doesn't sound like it fits in very well with the rest of the character's word choices. Other than that and the already mentioned phrasing, I liked how the dialogue was written. I

I**s the story amusing/funny**

Not in any 'laugh out loud' sense. It's comedic but it feels like someone venting about their day than someone going for laughs.

**Is it offensive & What do you think about the ending and the language used there?**

Short answer, yes. "floopy vagina" and the sentiment before it is all "slut-shaming". I'm not going to dive into the history, psychology, or philosophy of that. Hell, I'd not recommend diving into that anywhere on Reddit. But it's classic slut-shaming.

The character can be offensive. That's fine. You can even explore her beliefs and why she holds them (without getting too preachy).

Sidenote: vaginas don't get "floopy" or loose because of more sex. It's a myth and a doctor should know that. (haha, noticed this mentioned in lightfarming's and itsallpulp's crit too)

**How is her accent?**

It didn't come off as over the top to me.

>sadder than a Shirley Temple on Sunday

I'm not familiar with that saying. Original or did you hear it somewhe

Why would Shirley Temple be sad on a Sunday, I wonder. Does she hate going to church?  
  Okay, so this didn't succeed at getting a grin out of me but it doesn't appear that's the intention, really. I mean lines like the one I mentioned above, or floopy (floopy??) vagina feel like silly things somebody says while eyerolling somebody, not dialogue that is itself meant to get a laugh.  
  I'd be more concerned with whether it feels altogether \*real\*, and I think it managed alright. If a bit...sculpted toward a punch line that doesn't feel like a punch line, just banter.  
  It's an anecdote. And gets a bit into the protocol, describing tests that make me wonder what on earth this person's job is. It's literally never anyone's job to have five guys come in to test which among them is a father. Unless this character works for a trashy reality talk show.

  But i can accept all that since the character's telling me that's what they do. Makes me very curious.   
  Character-wise, we've got

Side note: pre-natal paternity testing is possible from chorionic villi sample (invasive), amniocentesis (invasive), maternal blood draw with fetal blood circulation (accuracy questioned, not really invasive). HOWEVER, why would someone do a chorionic sample/amniocentesis unless necessary or diagnostic (eg at risk pregnancy or forensic rape ((case I am familiar with was a woman in a coma, but in that case they did a dnc and tested from the poc. dilation and curettage/products of conception)). It's just easier and less risky to do it post-partum/dnc/abortion. BUT we can most definitely test paternity prior to birth and charge a lot of money for it that insurance companies will not reimburse for. I bet a JD probably could provide some precedent/case law stuff where pre natal paternity testing has been used to settle costs for prenatal care or some other specifics (paternal rights to neonatal medical records as parent?). IDK.

Hello~ let’s get right to it! <4

Your questions:
1) Is the story amusing/funny? Is it offensive?
To me, it seems borderline mean. Making jokes and sharing personal information of a another human being without their consent?! Not only that, but your PATIENT??? And you’re making fun of your patient who is bearing child??! Basically calling them a sl*t?! 
Please change the entire mood of the story. I know you’re going for a big comedy aspect, but don’t do things that cross the line! I’m sure you can make jokes about something like athlete’s feet or benign fungi, but not pregnancy! If the pregnancy is important, just don’t make fun of it and make it at least a bit more realistic. 

2) What do you think of the language used at the end?
It’s disrespectful. You can sort of pick that up from my previous answer, but I felt that calling her pregnancy “a classic case of floopy vagina” is just rude! Millions of women go through that realization everday, it’s no laughing matter.

3) How is her acc

"She can't even say it—just holds up a hand with each finger extended"

This line feels awkward. I'm sure you can find a more natural way for her to say this.

Also, another short suggestion; if you want this short story to work better, consider moving the dialogue tag in the beginning ("she said with a bursting smile") and keep it dialogue-only. In fact, remove anything other than dialogues, if you can.

As for your questions...

Is the story amusing/funny?

Personally, I didn't find it funny, but you delivered the punchline well. I'm sure others couldfind it funny.

Is it offensive?

As a woman, no, it is not offensive.

What do you think about the ending and the language used there?

I like it! I really do! I've always liked natural dialogues, and yours sound natural in my head!

The main character telling the story is from Alabama. How is her accent?

I'm not from the US, so I can't answer that.

Is the story unclear in any way?

Nope. It's about a girl telling a story. Nothing unc

This story is part of a larger piece, so it is not self-contained. There are two women talking, and one is doing most of the storytelling. 

The main question is: is the story amusing/funny? Is it offensive? Just okay? What do you think about the ending and the language used there? 

The main character telling the story is from Alabama. How is her accent?

Is the story unclear in any way? How is the flow?

Any other comments are welcome. 

Thanks in advance for your thoughts. 

EDIT: Link deleted (thanks to everyone for their thoughts!)

Critique:

[[651] Dark Waters](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/pw0ny6/651_darker_waters/heitpo9/)

[200] Short story told in dialogue.