Thanks for the kind words OT. I will definitely tell everyone here when I'm ready to publish.

Parts 1-3 of Bitter September are [here](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1co4N3uws04zhWHy9kXSm4Q7H00eZBEbKg9bCW7j0L5E/edit?usp=sharing).

>I am planning on publishing myself on Amazon after I have a body of work to present all at once.

Nice. I don't remember you being that firm you were going that route, or maybe my memory is off? Either way, wish you the best possible luck, and do let us know when it's up. I'll definitely be at the front of the line to pick up my copy, and maybe even leave a review. :) (Thought it'd also be great if you could publish at a DRM-free platform like Smashwords, but I suppose Amazon demands exclusivity)

Anyway, I'll write up some quick thoughts on this one later too, but might save the full crit for the final installment. Do you have a doc with the whole story somewhere for easy catch-up?

Staging:I felt like the staging of this piece was a little bit over described for me, I don’t really need to know that car doors get closed etc. it seems like the characters locations were very intentionally set forward even when they didn’t necessarily need to be. This may just be me.

Plot: the plot definitely moves forward! I think it’s a little hard to know, I can speaking from a place of isolation have an only read this section, with the stakes are, but I trust that they are well-established earlier on. No real complaints about the plotting of the piece. I think this was well done.

Wordsmithing:

Voice to text dictation hates the word prose. On a sentence level there were some minor filtering and filtering which were pointed out in the Google Docs comments. I felt like the piece overused clichés, and I pointed out a few in the Google dock. I don’t really feel like the clichés were necessary or used in specifically fresh ways.

Otherwise the wordsmithing was clear and goal oriente

I’m using voice to ask for this critique, so there may be some typos.

Upfront: I only read this section submitted here, not the other three.

Intro thoughts: the Intro line to the Chapter felt a bit cliché comparing the moon to over ripe fruit.

Tone: I feel like the tone here was a little bit uneven, alternating between comedic moments, but then with a more serious undercurrent of dark urban fantasy. I don’t know exactly what to do about that, and this may be your intention, but I always feel like moments of levity break the more serious tension. so to me, functionally, these two things are at odds and work against one another.

Characters:

Larry: the guy comes across as sort of a mad scientist type, not worrying about the effects of his actions on others. I understand he’s actually more of a magic character but as far as the archetype goes, this is the one that fits for me. Larry is definitely our most interesting character, far more so to me as a reader than the narrator.

Carla: 

Thanks, sounds great. Looking for input on characters and story flow. Does it keep you engaged, is it interesting, are the setting and tone effective? Do the characters seem distinct and would it convince you to read more? That sort of thing.

I am planning on publishing myself on Amazon after I have a body of work to present all at once.

I’ll hit this with a full review within a 7 day week, probably next Monday or Tuesday.

Let me know your goals (publication, fun, revenge on your ex who was a witch for sure) and, any areas you are trying to improve. I’ll hit the stuff you listed and the usual stuff

Thanks for the feedback, OT, sorry it took so long for me to reply.

>your "crazy villain" dialogue is always on point, and it doesn't disappoint here either.

Glad to know I haven't lost this important skill. 😀

>Nick's transition into helping Larry is too abrupt in both these stories

Nick fools himself into thinking he isn't interested or fascinated by Larry's antics. But he is, and it shows in how willing he is to rationalize his involvement. 

>Carla and Reggie are both automatons here, no more sapient than Mr. Bones...or are they? I enjoyed the sight ambiguity with Carla when Nick speaks to her, but I don't mind the story teasing us with that revelation a little longer.

Part 5 shows a bit more of this in regards to Carla. Reggie is pumped so full of *veve* that he's pretty well zombified tho.

>there's still a decent sense of progression here, and things seem to be picking up with this part.

I'm trying to get/keep things moving, because part 6 is the final segment.

>The earli

Not a full crit, just some quick thoughts. I'll focus on your specific questions for now and get more into my general thoughts when I review the full story later.

*Characters*

As usual, I think you're doing well here. If I'm going to be strict, maybe Nick's voice could be a little more distinct, since he's the first-person narrator. I'd still say they're sufficiently distinct, though, and Larry in particular has a lot of voice and personality. I know I say it every time, but your "crazy villain" dialogue is always on point, and it doesn't disappoint here either.

I'm more concerned about character consistency, especially in Nick's case. Even if I've touched on this before, I think it's an important point: Nick's transition into helping Larry is too abrupt in both these stories IMO.

Again, I'm willing to buy both the fact that he ends up doing it and his motivation (Carla), but I want the story to sell me on it a little harder. The idea of a guilt-wracked MC who falls into his old ha

Thanks for reading! Sorry it's taken forever for me to reply.

> If it's a singular short story I feel like it's bluffing a bit with the worldbuilding and the central conflict.

"Bitter September" is the second of three connected short stories. The first one "The Halloween House" was submitted here last year. I'll write the final story, "October Surprise", next Halloween.

>This is easily solved since you could just be less specific about where Nicky is when it contradicts other descriptions.

Your points are well taken for all of this. And you are 100% right.

>Nicky is pretty consistent and refreshing throughout, and for the most part I enjoy her interjections.

I'm glad you like the character, but Nick is male.

>I feel like the story's real antagonist is yet to come, if he isn't the two lovebirds already introduced.

Larry is a pseudo-antagonist. The overall antagonist in the 3 stories is the Golden Scroll group, who caused the death of Carla the year before. But they don't appear 

Hey. I really dig the halloween-style wizard action here. The slave skeleton lugging along their gear. This chapter feels like perhaps a second chapter between the first one in which a clueless Nicky is thrown into a world of weird magic after a chance exchange of insurance information with these weird characters after a car accident. If it's a singular short story I feel like it's bluffing a bit with the worldbuilding and the central conflict. 


POV
I'm not sure if this is established in an earlier chapter—I kinda woulnd't mind, for all the veves and erbium, the ouanga disks—but this chapter starts out a bit whacky. There's an omniscient feel in describing characters' faces, Larry peering and Carla expressionless, except then we settle into the mind of a dude in the car who could not possibly have seen those faces. So for example Carla didn't emerge at all, she actually left. She de-merged. The impression I get in the first page is that your MC is performing for himself or bluffing i

I've heard before that Nick is too passive a MC. The idea is that he's fascinated by Larry despite his disgust for the man. He also needs to stick around to find out if Carla is...Carla. But as a man of science he finds the supernatural strangely alluring. Maybe none of this is coming through, but that's what I'm aiming for.

I like the characters, and each one has a clear role in the story, except Nick, oddly enough. He’s the main character, but what is his role and stake in the story? So far, he has alternated between being a mother-hen, saying variations of *‘we shouldn’t be here’* and *‘we shouldn’t be doing this’* and being Larry’s errand boy. You established at the beginning that Nick and Larry have been friends for a long time, but at this point, I need to be reminded, and I think other readers will too, what is the value to Nick in continuing this dangerous friendship with Larry.   
  
Is this only about Carla?

In this segment, Nick discovers that the woods surrounding Newport are as dangerous as the town itself...

Please let me know if the story keeps you engaged and whether the characters are distinct and interesting. Or any other feedback you may have.

Edit: Previous parts of the story can be read [here](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1co4N3uws04zhWHy9kXSm4Q7H00eZBEbKg9bCW7j0L5E/edit?usp=sharing).

Story: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Er5JNySio3xNWlKOlJcr9xQXvF5nIxH5_fUfluAQRFI/edit?usp=sharing

Critique: https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/pw7jvy/1679_eternal_damnation_part_1/hek0fa3/

[1592] Bitter September, part 4