[2623] Fear and Loathing in North Fitzroy [1]
Fear and Loathing in North Fitzroy
G’day Gang.
Responding to the general consensus that part 2 of The Story Formerly Known as Pickled was an all-round better version of part 1, I decided to cram the two together to see what would happen. The result is a slightly different story, one more laidback and less focused on James’s internal ruminations over his lifestyle [at least immediately]. It’s a bit rough, but my eyes are glazing over when I try to figure out which parts need proper sanding.
If you read the previous copy of part 2, there won’t be a huge amount new here; some tidying up as per your advices, but nothing particularly fundamental yet. Take a look at the first page and a half – where I’ve crammed in most of the fusion – and see how the melange tastes.
Oh, and the title is working. More of a joke than anything particularly serious. I just prefer it over the previous ‘A Well-Pickled Soul’. And if Bex reads this: I tried to make it present tense. Worked great for some sections – your advice was on point – but I felt like I couldn’t pull off the voice’s characteristic retrospective sardonicism as well. For the moment, it stays in past.
Questions
1
Does this piece feel like it has sufficient momentum/enough direction guiding you through the extract? I’m intending this to be a kind of slow opening. Definitely not a quick-fast open. I don’t know, tell me how it feels. Plot is the bane of my existence. Any guidance here would be appreciated greatly.
2
Is the prose bearable? Broad question, but important. Got my prose roasted by an expert lately. The prose made them ‘too aware they were reading’, and the problem appeared stylistic. Curious to see if I managed to fix things up at all.
3
Does the account of their night out function as an introduction? I received repeated suggestions to open the story on one of their so-called Sordid Safaris, and this was my solution. Also: tense problems. I wrote it pretty much exactly how I would speak it, and wonder if the dialogue style blemishes feel unmerited considering its prose presentation.
4
Do any inconsistencies stick out to you? This is a fusion of sections, after all, and I have a lingering feeling that some of my needlework was shoddy and there’re rough patches that shouldn’t be there.
Critiques
1679 + plenty of leftover from this post. I’m drafting another at the moment.
A massive thanks to everyone who reads or critiques this. I hope you’re all well.
Posted Sep 28, 2021, 4:39 PM UTC