I have been circulating around this first part of the story for quiet some time now. I believe I need to continue with other parts so I don't stagnate.   


Your example was great. I'll try and practice dialogue for a bit and see how it turns out :)

I'll be fully honest with you - the parts that I've identified in your story and the things I've noted are all mistakes I've made in my own writing and gave the experieb e of learning to fix myself! Hopefully my experience shows somewhat, hahaha.

One of the things I've had to force myself to do with my own work is once I finish the piece, I jump in to a new one and don't look at it for a while after I finish it. I give it some distance so that when I do return to it, it's cooled off, I've grown from writing something else and the experiences of that other piece, and I'm able to look at it now with a fresh set of eyes and perspective. I do this between editing drafts as well. Otherwise I'm getting stuck in my head and I can't see past my own shortcomings as a writer.

It may help with dialogue if you even think of it as simple as having, for instance, the mother calming the little girl in the line or the guards shouting orders for people to move up in the line. It doesn't even need to 

Hi Cory, thank you for your feedback. It was awesome.  
I agree with all your points. Your critique in regards to the action first happening in the later part of the story was something I also noticed. But I had read my own story so many times that my brain got all smushy and I wasn't sure whether it was an actual issue or a made up problem. So I am glad you recognized it  as well.

Good idea with more line breaks and paragraphs. It wasn't something I really considered, but I get your feedback.

Also, you have a knack at identifying areas where I end up "telling" instead of "showing". Those parts I really appreciate, because after rereading those parts again I can already see some better ways of rewriting those sentences.

I'll try and add some more dialogue, it is on my to do list, but I find it a bit difficult to get started with an inner monologue without making it sound odd and forced. In regards to your comment in google docs:

**Story part (Part in bold is what is commented on):*

I will start by saying that I enjoyed this story but ultimately found myself wanting a few things out of it that I can provide as feedback in the hope that it can help you. I did throw some comments into the document itself - my real name is Cory Witt and my name shows next to the comments I made.

First and foremost, I didn't realize this was only two pages while I was reading it. While the scene feels short and is rather short (not a bad thing at all), I feel like it didn't get going until the end of the first page. The first half of the story feels like we are being told how the world is built around us while the second half feels like the actually story event that is being set-up. My first suggestion would be to mix this up - you could use the momentum of the line moving forward to shape the story with Ethan telling us about the solar farm each more to pass time in the line while reminding us that things are changing around him. The problem that I'm suggesting you fix here is the p

It actually did... I believe I am comfortable in the \[independent\],\[dependent\] way of forming my sentences that I don't end up exploring alternative ways of presenting them. What you wrote works great, I'll try and see if I can pick that up :)

Hi! 

Sure thing. Here's a copy/paste from the same paragraph in your story: 

>A young scrawny guy standing in front of the two had a worrying stare. Even though he was next in line, he showed no interest in proceeding. Underneath the scruffy appearance, Ethan recognized him on the board near the central office.

So, a way to rewrite this in a more active (as opposed to passive) voice, with shorter more concise sentences, might be: 

>Who was this guy? Youngish. Scrawny. Scruffy. A worrying stare. The guy was next in line but showed no interest in proceeding. Then, Ethan recognized him. His face was plastered on the board over by the central office. 

Did that help?

Thank you for your critique :)  
There are some parts of your critique that resonates well with me, especially  this part:

>I like to think when it comes to sci-fi, that the world should never be explained.

I agree with you. I think your suggestion of explaining the solar mirror from the point of view from Ethan would integrate it better.

I have a clarifying question:

> You have a lot of what I think are passive sentences, namely, they begin with: dependent clause \[comma\] end with independent clause containing the actual subject of the sentence. Here's an example: *Underneath the scruffy appearance, Ethan recognized him on the board near the central office.*

I am a hunch of what you are trying to tell me but I am not exactly certain what the alternative is and whether it is better. Could you provide an example?

>Does the world setting peek your interest?

Yes, but the first paragraph is really the crux there. For me, the first paragraph was the hardest hump to get over. I felt like the world didn't spontaneously come alive in my head, I had to reread the first paragraph in order to try and get it and make sure I'm not missing anything—it's the first paragraph after all. But it really just sorta dragged and I was still confused even after rereading it. 

For instance, your first sentence refers to people standing in line, the line being longer than usual. Fine. Thinking of a grocery checkout. Then your second line mentions "empty husks" and I'm wondering whether you're referring to the people in line or nut shells in their carts or what. 

Part of it is the goopiness of the writing. In other words, your first paragraph almost strikes me as overwritten. Take a look at this: 

>The sun appeared as a golden ring in the dark sky, it’s outer edge peeked out from behind the solar mirror. Apart from 

You did great, I can't imagine writing in a foreign language!

I'm glad to hear you're still excited and willing to work on it too, keep it up!

Thank you for your critique. I am not a native english speaker, so when I first started writing I was oblivious to grammatical errors and line brakes. It is your guys critiques that makes me realize this shortcoming :) I'll scan my story and see how line brakes improves the readability.  


And yes, there is some truth in your critique regarding the solar mirror and the line of citizens seeming disconnected. I'll take a look at that as well.

Hello!
I enjoyed the setting of your world and thought that the idea of opening with your solar mirror was unique and strong. I also want to say I agree with the other commentors about the styling (long description and sentences) so I won’t dwell on that too long.

**To your questions:** 

-	Interest: The mirror was interesting and gave me a sort of matrix-vibe (more on that later)

-	Grammar: Really need more paragraph breaks. Paragraph indents wouldn’t hurt either

-	Forced: Not much comes to mind as forced, but page one and two don’t really “click” with each other

**Page One:** The title of this subsection is a little cheeky because I want to focus on first pages in general. They should give the reader a sense of the world while also drawing people into it, the so called “hook”. Someone (totally, definitely not me) pointed out that you sorted of buried your hook:

>> Empty husks stared at the dusty brick pavement indifferent to the deafening mechanical roar that buried into their s

Hi all

Here is my 2. Revision of the intro to "*Solar Harvest*".

After posting the first revision it received plenty of useful critique and I decided to **completely rewrite** **it all** with that critique in mind. You don't need to read the 1. Revision.

Specific questions I would like your opinion on:

* Does the world setting peek your interest?
* What type of grammatical issues can I improve upon?
* Are there any bits that feel "forced" into the story?

\[Here is the story - 1112\] [https://docs.google.com/document/d/13I-sYhMNIh2tuixmbpENsLKReWfNpzxVmUgSCkN7Gu0/edit](https://docs.google.com/document/d/13I-sYhMNIh2tuixmbpENsLKReWfNpzxVmUgSCkN7Gu0/edit)

\[Critique - 1683\] [https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/pw0b80/comment/hes2r5e/?utm\_source=share&amp;utm\_medium=web2x&amp;context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/pw0b80/comment/hes2r5e/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3)

\[1. Revision - 1103\] [https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/pqczca/1103\_solar\_harvest/](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/pqczca/1103_solar_harvest/)

[1112] Solar Harvest - 2. Revision (Complete rewrite)