I really like the rhythm of this poem, there's a kind of hiphop flow to it that's very compelling. The message is well conveyed. 

My only reservation is the fallacy line. This is nit-picking, but to me it feels like it was put in there just because it rhymes, and not as a line that belongs there in its own right. I don't know, maybe you could lose it and not feel its absence. 

Still a good poem, I like it.

This is so unfortunately real. I love how short yet impactful your writing is, it really emphasises the hopeless feeling of situations like this.

u/laststarling I love your suggestions. I'm going to play around with them. I really do agree that those could be useful supplementing lines.

Thank you for posting this! It's wonderful in its clarity, brevity, and honesty, and feels like a sentiment that took a lot of you to reach and express. The way it's structured helps drive home its emphasis quite well, with the number of words reducing as their weight increases, and the resulting visual layout is nice. It's almost like a palindrome but with the added twist of insight at the end instead of symmetry. I see where u/d_hornman is coming from, though personally I like "a fallacy" as a landing point for emphasis and a hinge point for the rest of the poem. Maybe hearing it performed out loud would provide more guidance either way on that. I don't want to step on your goals, so please take this with my respects and a grain of salt, but you might consider altering the first line for the sake of flow to something like "nothing is more beautiful than the idea that could be" or "nothing is more beautiful than a future that could be," the latter providing the benefit of not using th

This is very powerful, despite being short. The rhythm reminds me of hip-hop, as noted by another commenter. I like the evolution of the first line throughout the poem, as it really is the same idea repeated with different contexts/perspectives. The "idea that could be" is first "beautiful," then a "fantasy" and then a "fallacy." At first, dreaming is beautiful and necessary, but with the little context provided it becomes something different entirely. It becomes something sad, it becomes a symbol of loneliness and desperation. The fact that this one line transforms so dramatically within these 7 lines is insanely impressive. I love this poem. It is raw, it is real, relatable, accessible... we all know someone who has ruined their life over this sort of dream. Really well done.

This is really beautiful
For some reason I get a Tupac vibe when reading it
Simple but full of soul

Only critique I would give is maybe the “ face you can never see” to “face to be unseen” just to get that second line out more fluidly but I appreciate your work and hope to hear more ✌🏻

If you were op , I'd say I'm glad you are who you are otherwise I wouldn't love you


Oh, hi there; didn't see you! You've reached r/OCPoetry. This is a workshop site where you can share, read, and talk about eachother's poetry & etc. To post your own poems, you need to give feedback to 2 other writers. If you aren't trying to share, you're encouraged to give feedback, but aren't required. Try to be nice, questioning, and specific. If you can't do that - eat a cabbage and come back later. Try to give feedback to a writer without any feedback. Lastly, read our [feedback guide ](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/wiki/feedbackcritiques), other writer's comments, or this author’s feedback links. If you still aren't sure whether your comments are useful ‘feedback’, or you have any other questions, send us a modmail!

*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/OCPoetry) if you have any questions or concerns.*

Oh, I really like this piece.  The beginning (to me) suggests the narrator is the one living the fantasy, and the twist at the end reveals it was their lover, leaving the narrator feeling like a disappointment.  I would suggest playing with your formatting to make the piece stronger.   For example:  


"Nothing—is more beautiful

 than an *idea* that could be"

This may be overdoing it a bit, but just so you have an idea what I mean.  Thanks for sharing!

nothing is more beautiful than an idea that could be

the most beautiful face you can never see

creating your own reality

living out a fantasy

a fallacy

you fell in love with an idea

thinking you fell in love with me

[1](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/q5uf1b/comment/hg840yo/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3) and [2](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/q6gubk/comment/hgc4rqa/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3)

A Lesson to the Bleeding Heart